Husband's Depressed..Am I?
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| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:32pm |
"will need it when I lose my job". Incidentially, he has had this job for 3 years and, even with the disability periods, has gotten good reviews, raises and bonuses each year.
He has no interest in anything. He gets no enjoyment out of anything. He is so wrapped up in his personal cocoon of misery, he has no time to have a life other than that and no inclination to be a part of my life. The only thing we ever talk about is this. Sex? What's that? I could go on and on, but you probably have heard it all before.
My question really is....could I be depressed too? I have been dealing with him so long, I can't tell where he leaves off and where I start. I'm not even sure there is a ME anymore. I think about him all the time....how was his day...how was the traffic on his way to/from work....what kind of a mood will he be in tonight? I'm so wrapped up in this I think I'm losing myself.
I get nothing from him. He is too busy being depressed to see or care about me. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me but I don't FEEL it. I'll tell what I feel like. I am a table lamp. Think about it. How often do you notice your table lamp. When you need light. Then you turn it on and get what you need out of it. When you've gotten what you need, you turn it off and it's just there. An inadement (sp?) object. Just there. You don't feel the need to ever thank or show appreciation to the lamp for being there when you needed it or for giving you it's light so well. That's how I feel, I'm just there. "do for me..go for me..get me...take me..." but once that's done, I'm just there. No thank you for all the years I've stood by him or for all the support I've tried to give. No appreciation for any special thing I've done. Just there.
All I want to do is get in my car and just drive....drive until I run out of gas..and end up where ever I end up. Not tell anyone where I am and just start over, alone. Be someone else, a new life. But I know I can't do that. I have a life here but I just don't know how to live it anymore. I have a teenage daughter I can't leave and an aged mother who needs me. I'm trapped and I don't know what to do to get out.

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I found your comments so enlightening, but from the other point of view.
You see, I was the depressed person in my marriage and had no (or at least, I couldn't see the support) I got from my ex. I was the one working full time since we were married. He dealt with my depression by leaving the house alot and drinking and through your letter, I understand how he was feeling now, but I wonder if you and your husband shouldn't seek counselling (psychiatric not marriage). Do you think it would help?
I understand that the depressed person has to help himself/herself too, but right now, you need help and I think that yes, you probably are depressed but mainly because of your lifestyle, living with him. I know just how hard that is to do. In fact, I actually attemped suicide (and almost succeeded) four years ago. I ended up leaving my job, my husband and moving on my own. I still suffer depression, but at least it doesn't directly affect him. (He is still drinking by the way). His lack of concern for me, his drinking, going out all the time, all added to my depression and he was doing this probably because of my depression. We never did have closure since I left.
I think you should get counselling yourself. Hopefully, he is seeing someone and can try some new medication/therapy, etc., to help him. It is good that you are aware and recognize the possibility that you may be depressed also.
Please take care of yourself and keep in touch.
Anne
My husband has been on meds since the very beginning but he has just started therapy about a month and a half ago. I really like his therapist a lot and I think he can really help if my husband does what he's supposed to do. What I mean is, there is a Cognitive Behavior group starting at the end of January and my husband will be a part of that. However, the therapist thought, since my husband has never had any kind of therapy before that a few one on one sessions would be benificial before the group starts. So they've been meeting once a week for that month and a half. The therapist gives him "homework" to get him started on the techniques but he either doesn't do it or does it sporatically. I try to talk to him about it but he only get annoyed at me, saying I don't understand the pressure he is under and so on and so forth.
My friends have told me the same thing about seeing someone myself or with him. I was thinking of going along to his next therapy session and talking to the therapist myself. I did go for the first couple of appointments but that, obviously, was for him. I don't want to interfere with what they are doing together but maybe he could recommend someone for me to talk to. Thank God I have friends to vent on. If it weren't for them, I think I would just crumble up into a dusty ball and blow away.
My friends tell me I have to stop thinking about my husband so much and think about me instead. They say I should stop worrying about him every minute, stop asking about his day, stop reminding him about his meds and exercises since I get no feed back from him anyway. They tell me I can't change him or help him, he has to do it himself and I should concentrate on the only person I can help or change, and that's me. I KNOW they are right, but it's just so hard. I have been worrying about him for so long, he has been the center of everything for so long, I don't know if I can stop. Then I also ask myself what would be the best way to do it. I don't want him to think I don't care about him or that I'm denying him any support. I'm scared if he thinks I am doing that, that he's now in this alone, he'll do something drastic. But if I continue as I am now, not only am I driving myself nuts, am I an "enabler" and perpetuating this situation?
He just doesn't understand how his actions or rather, his inactions affect me. He gets annoyed at me when I get upset, when I say how stressed his behaviour makes me feel. He says, "STRESS??....what pressures are YOU under?" like I live in some happiness fairyland. He doesn't understand that living with him and seeing him like this day after day, YEAR after YEAR is soooooooo draining. I consider myself a pretty upbeat person. I can get enjoyment out of simple things...a good book...a colorful garden....watching the dog chase squirrels. But he brings me so down I can't seem to enjoy these things as much.
On his good days, things seem like the old days, but that doesn't last long and then we're down again. This up and down emotional yo yo is really wearing me down. I don't want it to be like this. I wish I knew what to do next. I love him with all my heart. I don't want to break up. I want to spend the rest of my life with the great guy I married. I just wish I could find him.
Hi Lyn!
Welcome to the board!
In answer to your question, you could well be depressed from dealing with your situation for so long and Anne had the right idea, why not seek a bit of counseling for yourself? It always help to have someone objective to talk to and they can help you find ways to deal with situation so you dont feel so 'trapped'. Its important to remember its YOUR life too and you need to do what makes YOU happy sometimes.
and in reference to your statement *wink... You do notice a table lamp more if its turned on! hehe So why not think about doing some things for YOU sometime? If he wants to sit home in misery there is no reason you need to ALL the time! Get out and head to the movies or a class or something for YOU!! Shine baby!!
anway,, look forward to having you here and getting to know you better!!
*hugs
*hugs
I've been thinking about joining the gym to get some exercise. All I seem to do these days is worry, cry and eat (other than an hour with the dog, that is ) Maybe it would do me good to get out of this house for a bit. My daughter, just turned 14, has been bugging me to join the gym so she can go too. Maybe I'll do it. I was going to wait until his therapy group is over so he can come too, but I'm thinking "why should I wait for him?".
What I don't understand is, if he doesn't ever get better, isn't this just an emotional treadmill I'll never get off. I mean, I have a friend who's husband is a recovered alcoholic. She's one of the ones who's been telling me to take care of myself and all the stuff that you guys are saying. She's told me about her struggles with her husband when he was drinking and how she dealt with it. But he eventually stopped drinking so her efforts weren't for nothing. What if my husband never feels better? How do I live the rest of my life like this?
I'm sorry to be such a downer but this is the first time I've really talked to anyone except my two friends about this. It's nice to have someone else to hear me rant. Thanks for being here.
Welcome, Lyn!
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CL-ladybug987
Thanks for posting back. I am impressed that you could enjoy yourself with you dog, but yes, you could still be depressed. However, distracting yourself like you did and focusing on something other than depression or your husband, you found something you liked to do. It doesn't have to be a big, major event, just going for a walk, and of course animals will help you a great deal.
I think you will enjoy joining a gym with your daughter fpr a number of reasons. First of all you and your daughter can bond during this time while also taking care of your body and health and fitness. Also, who knows, maybe if your husband sees a change in you, with your energy (new found from the gym) and you will definitely feel better about yourself just from that alone, that he may even want to give it a try. But you have to look after yourself first. He has to make an effort to help himself.
I am glad for your friend who has an alcoholic husband. At least he realized his problem and got help. Yes, it will be ongoing (mine never realized he had a problem and blamed it on me and now continues to drink). I wouldn't wait for your husband to joint you guys. Make it a mother daughter fun day. (I have a 14 year old also--she turned 14 on christmas day.)
You are not being a downer at all, but realistic. If your husband doesn't get the help he needs or makes a real effort to try to help himself, then you don't necessarily have to stay with him. (This is a last resort of course, so try everything else possible).
I am proud of you for enjoying your time with your dog. You could also try going for drives, walks along the beach, just getting time for yourself and than can help keep you focused more on you and less on his problems; after all, they are his problems, honey, not yours and you can only do so much. He has to help himself.
I am lucky in that I have alot of support ( I am also now divorced, single mom with no one special in my life, and sometimes that gets me down).
But, good luck. Keep in touch.
Happy new year.
Anne
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Many years ago, the ex had a siezure disorder and for a while there it seemed like because it would not respond to meds and he was having horrendous siezures, some that lasted half an hour or more, the doctors told me that one of these siezures could kill him.
Sometimes I think I'm just a fool. I do and do for everyone in my family and some part of me thinks that out of love and appreciation for that, they will just, I don't know, do what there are supposed to do. Does that make sense. I shouldn't have to yell at my daughter to straighten her room. She should SEE what I do for her and just DO it out of love for me. Why do I have to tell my husband that trash needs to go out when it's spilling all over the floor and the dog is wearing half of it. Shouldn't it just be done because he knows how much it bothers me and he wants to not make me angry? See...I'm a fool. Teenagers are teenagers and men are men and me getting myself tied up in knots because things are not the way I want them to be is just nuts.
My daughter is 14. She's a great kid but she's 14 with all that goes with being 14. The things she does are not bad....they're 14. Does that make sense? My mother lives with us. A stress all on it's own! Her sister died at the beginning of December. My aunt was more like a grandmother to me than an aunt. My mom and I are executors of her will with all that goes with that. We also have 6 weeks to get everything cleaned out of her apartment and my aunt saved ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING she ever owned and every bit of paper she ever received. My mother seems to think that I'm going to be at that apartment every day that I'm not at work. She gives me that guilty look when I say I can't go today, I have things I need to do here, as if I'm letting her down and not a good daughter. So, I don't do what I need to do, go help her, then I'm running like a idiot trying to get my stuff done. Then add my husband to this mix. Is it any wonder all I want to do it get away!?!?!?
You're right about what you say about my daughter. I really feel sorry for her sometimes. It's like she growing up without her father. He's there, of course, but he's not. I try to point this out to him but he says I exaggerate the situation. I get so stressed that I yell at her for things that really aren't that bad. I over protect her more than I should because I don't want anything to happen to her because, not only don't I want anything to happen to HER, I don't want to deal with anything else. She's a great kid, gets good grades, hangs out with some really nice friends and I sometimes feel I let my frustration get the best of me and I take it out on her. She's an only child and spends alot of time with her friends. I encourage it because I never had friends growing up I could count on and she does. But I wonder if she just wants to get out of here too, that's why she always wants to be at a friends house. I always thought it was just because she was bored, being alone with no siblings but now I wonder if it's all this stuff going on all the time.
I'm ranting again. Sorry...but God does it feel good to get it out!
Being an only child myself, I like the fact she has good friends. I never really did growing up. I was always the picked on kid. My "friends" were transient. My friend today, but not tomorrow if a better offer came along. I would do almost anything anyone wanted just to have a friend and they almost always let me down in the end. Thank God I grew up and stopped caring about whether they liked me or not. Thank God I grew up when drugs and sex were still college things not high school or grade school things like they are now. I would have been in real trouble if I were that teenager today. Thank God my daughter isn't like that and has good friends.
But she is out of here a lot. She's bored being alone and that's natural but I sometimes wonder if all this stuff, subconsciencely, is driving her away? Like I said, I posted this already. What do you think?
My brother's birthday is December 28 too!
Oh yeah, I can agree with you there about kids. Thank heavens I only have the one. I knew I couldn't handle another child with my depression. She is my world, but right now at this age, I am hardly hers! She also has some great friends with whom she spends the night with and I know their mothers, etc. She is also a cheerleader so I know most of the girls' parents through competitions, etc. Being a single mom I wonder if I am not expecting too much from her--comforting me, etc., almost forgetting she is not my spouse and expecting her to do things around the house for me. Then, I think, well she is 14 and can handle some responsibilities on her own and help me. Then, I feel guilty, soooo it is a cycle.
My daughter spends alot of time(daily) down at her dad's and he has a girlfriend and a new baby daughter (one year old) and she seems to enjoy it down there, I have to say more than here it seems to me. But to me, it is whatever makes her happiest is fine with me. Actually, his girlfriend and I have become good friends and talk more with eachother than my ex and I do. She is extremely, good to my daughter and loves her like her own. Luckily for me, with my depression, there are lots of times I am just not up to going out or doing anything, but she will take her out and do stuff with her. (I sort of get off the hook and my daughter has fun), so it works out for everyone. Most people don't understand how we can get along but she had nothing to do with my marriage breakup whatsoever and my daughter is the most important thing in the world to me and her being happy.
I don't ever worry about where she is or what she is doing. Her marks are all 90's and l00's. I don't know where she gets that from, but it isn't from me! Even when she and I moved out, in October 2000, her marks never changed and she continued to see her dad everyday and now sees him more since we've divorced. I have learned first hand what NOT to do when divorcing from a family member. Their children are so messed up even 11 years later and I wasn't doing anything to jeopardize her in any way.
Sorry, I am rambling on here.
Happy New Year :)
Love, Anne
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