Husband's Depressed..Am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Husband's Depressed..Am I?
21
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:32pm
I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this question. If not, please let me know. My husband was diagnosed with clinical depression 6 years ago. After the initial illness and treatment, he did pretty good for about 3 years. But, the last 3 years have been up and down (mostly down). He missed about a month of work on disability because of it in each year and even when he isn't on disability, he isn't well. He always looks down, like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. He hates his job, feels he is no good at it, and it's only a matter of time before his employer "catches on" and fires him. Because of that, we are never allowed to discuss buying anything new for the house, or going on a nice vacation or anything that means we will spend his "reserve" because we

"will need it when I lose my job". Incidentially, he has had this job for 3 years and, even with the disability periods, has gotten good reviews, raises and bonuses each year.

He has no interest in anything. He gets no enjoyment out of anything. He is so wrapped up in his personal cocoon of misery, he has no time to have a life other than that and no inclination to be a part of my life. The only thing we ever talk about is this. Sex? What's that? I could go on and on, but you probably have heard it all before.

My question really is....could I be depressed too? I have been dealing with him so long, I can't tell where he leaves off and where I start. I'm not even sure there is a ME anymore. I think about him all the time....how was his day...how was the traffic on his way to/from work....what kind of a mood will he be in tonight? I'm so wrapped up in this I think I'm losing myself.

I get nothing from him. He is too busy being depressed to see or care about me. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me but I don't FEEL it. I'll tell what I feel like. I am a table lamp. Think about it. How often do you notice your table lamp. When you need light. Then you turn it on and get what you need out of it. When you've gotten what you need, you turn it off and it's just there. An inadement (sp?) object. Just there. You don't feel the need to ever thank or show appreciation to the lamp for being there when you needed it or for giving you it's light so well. That's how I feel, I'm just there. "do for me..go for me..get me...take me..." but once that's done, I'm just there. No thank you for all the years I've stood by him or for all the support I've tried to give. No appreciation for any special thing I've done. Just there.

All I want to do is get in my car and just drive....drive until I run out of gas..and end up where ever I end up. Not tell anyone where I am and just start over, alone. Be someone else, a new life. But I know I can't do that. I have a life here but I just don't know how to live it anymore. I have a teenage daughter I can't leave and an aged mother who needs me. I'm trapped and I don't know what to do to get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:10pm
It's funny that I only have the one daughter too. I had always said I wanted to have at least 2 because I was an only child and didn't want to raise one. But I never got the urge to have another one. I always wanted a girl. I know I said, "I only care if it's healthy" like I was supposed to when I was pregnant, but I really did want a girl. I got my girl, and in my opinion, the best one I could have possible had, so why try again?

My husband never wanted kids but he did it for me and, of course, loves her to death! But he didn't want another one and, since I didn't either, it worked out. I sometimes wonder if something inside me "knew" of the trouble ahead and told me not to. Never know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 6:28pm
Hi Lyn:

This is too funny. I have three siblings and they all have boys. I am the only one with one child and the only one with a girl. I feel exactly the same way you do, she was/is an excellent baby and girl that I know I couldn't cope with any more and I always wanted a girl. So, having lost a baby new years eve one year and then go in the same christmas eve and deliver her christmas day, was more than a miracle and blessing for me. So, I definitely didn't want any more and had my tubes tied in l996 with no regrets. However, my ex husband said at the time, it was pretty much up to me, which was true, but no one could ever convince me to have more. I was pretty definite about that. Also, in hindsight now that I am a single mom, it worked out pretty good. I thought I wanted about 3-4 kids. (What was I thinking).

Changing the subject abit here, how are you doing now that the holidays are over? Are you happy/sad or whatever? I know I am glad they are over, but I am pretty depressed right now. I guess spending last night on the boards here from 5-9:30 and then going to bed wasn't such a great idea, but I had nothing else to do and didn't feel like partying.

I am glad it is over.



How are you coping with your husband lately?

Hugs,

Anne





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:26am
I'm ok, I guess. Christmas was a fun day. I did all the work, of course, as usual, but it was fun anyway. We had 12 for dinner but I like to cook so it was ok. After was a bit of a let down. My husband's mood plummeted right after so, of couse, mine followed right along. It's like we're tethered or something. I have GOT to stop riding the roller coaster with him. I don't understand why I do that.

For instance, we had a big blow up a couple of days after Xmas. I tried to tell him how I was feeling and I was sure he didn't hear me or care. But, the next day, he started to do his meditation exercises his therapist gave him. He's done them almost everyday since and his moods seem to have improved. He says the meditation does help clear his head and calm him down. So then, of course, my moods the last few days have been ok too. But, Monday is only 2 days away and that is ALWAYS his worst day. I know it's going to be bad this time because it will be the first full 5 day week he will work since November (he had lots of vacation time he had to use so he took off every Friday in December plus he had the two long holiday weekends). I just KNOW Monday night he will come home looking like hell and acting like his world is ending and, of couse, I'll spend all Monday night and most of Tuesday in tears. What is wrong with me? I know this is going to happen, so why can't I stop it?? I hate feeling that way but I always do.

I really am seriously considering joining the gym to get out of here at night and do myself and my daughter some good. But, here again, there's a rub. I told you how my mother's sister died at the beginning of December and my mother and I have only a few weeks to clean out her apartment before her lease expires. I work 3 days a week, my mother expects me to be at that apartment everyday I'm not at work helping out. My mother is 78 years old and can't possibly do it herself, so I HAVE to go. When I get home after work/cleaning, I am soooooo tired and sore, the thought of the gym makes me want to jump off the roof. How can I spend all that money and join now only to not use it. Then my husband will be on me for wasting money. It's a Catch-22. I can't seem to get a break on any front.

I do medical billing for a doctor's office. I really like my boss but he and his wife are nuts about money. Why is it that people with a ton of money are always acting like they don't have enough money? The minute either one of them walks into the office its "how much did we get in this week"..."why didn't we get more?"...."are you sure you're doing all you can to get more?" and so on and so on. But the truth is, I'm not doing what I should be doing. In the last couple of months my concentration level has dropped like a stone. Sometimes I find myself just staring at the computer screen and not really seeing it. I'm not making the calls I should be making, not filling out the forms that need to be filled out. I'm going to get fired if I don't shape up and I CAN NOT lose my job. Then what will happen to this family???

So, let's run a list. My husband, my mother, my aunt's apartment, my job, my daughter, my house (which is being neglicted because I'm doing all this other stuff). Hmmmm...seems the only thing not important enough to get on this list is ME.

I just keep holding on the thought that March will be better. I've pretty much given up on January and February already. But by March, my husband's therapy group will be over and hopefully he will be feeling better. My aunt's apartment will be empty and gone and spring will be just around the corner. If I can just hold on 'till then, maybe I'll be alright.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 11:00am

(((((((Lyn))))))), I'm glad you had a good Christmas.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 4:42pm
Thanks Barb. My husband has an apppointment with his therapist on Wednesday and I was thinking of going along with him to see if his therapist can recommend someone to me. It is a large practice with many therapists. I, obviously, don't want to see the same one he does.

But, I am really beginning to believe I need to talk to someone. Today for instance, my mom went up to my aunt's apartment without me. I just couldn't get myself to go. She seemed ok about it, but I'm here all day feeling guilty because she's up there alone. I made her promise me she wouldn't do anything to strenuous but I'm still feeling guilty. My husband actually wanted to go out today and get out of the house and I just didn't want to go. I did go, but I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I managed to take down one Xmas decoration and put it away but that really took effort and it's all I did. I told my mom I couldn't go with her because I had too much to get done around here, and I've done nada all day.

Just talking to all you guys these last few days has made me feel better. I was beginning to feel I was the only person in the world who felt this way since everyone around here acts like the only feelings that count are their own. I know they all love me but I always have to be the strong one. When my daughter has a problem at school, I'm the one who goes to straighten it out. When ever she needs to be driven somewhere or picked up, it's me. My mom has been relying on me to help with my aunt since the summer when she got sick, through the funeral and now the apartment. My husband..well, you know that story.

The second I walk in the door after work they're at me. "Mom, I need...." "Mom...can you take me to...." "Lyn...I got letters from the lawyer you need to read..." "Lyn...the apartment furniture needs to be moved..." "Lyn...did you get my scrips filled?...." "Lyn...my shirts need to be washed...." Sometimes, I can't even get my coat off before one or more of them have something for me to do, or read, or fix. I just want to scream. The other day when I left work, there was this huge traffic jam. One of my friends who works with me goes home the same way I do and she took a different route to miss the jam. The next day she asked me why I didn't go the other way and miss all the traffic. Honestly, I wasn't in any hurry to get home and sitting in a traffic jam suited me just fine at that moment. How sick is that?!?!?!?

Why do I always have to be the strong one? It seems weird but everyone is so worried about that flu that's going around. I wish I could get the damn thing. A week flat on my back, in bed, sounds like a small bit of heaven to me. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing asked of me..ahhhhhhh. The three of them actually doing for themselves for a few days? Someone taking care of me for a few days? Having them think about my health and well being for just a couple of days? Geez...civilization as we know it may cease to exist!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:59pm
Do I ever understand what you are feeling! The car thing, get in the car and drive until "they" can't find you, then maybe you can breathe, not have to think about all that "they" need and expect from you, the telephone, I hate to hear the sound of the ring, all I ever get on the other end is what "they" need from me. I want the flu also.

I have to be very careful about my wonderful husband, he works so hard to provide for us (I only work a couple of days a week)and I have to check myself and not make him feel he is responsible for how I am doing on any given day. I try to keep things as normal as I can, that is why a therapist and friends are so good to have around because I can vent with them and still be the wife and mother my family needs.

Is your husband aware of how stressful and helpless you feel? He needs to understand(I have to reminded myself about this often, so I am not being judgemental towards him)this depression is not your fault and you can only go so far down the road with him, he must be the one that takes the journey, support and kindness, yes, but the journey is his and no one can take it for him. When I have my really bad days I tell my husband to not listen or take to heart what I say that day, I tell him when I feel out of control and on that day I stay by myself as much as possible and go to my room alone and do my crying, on my better days I don't mention my problems or say anything negative, I just enjoy him and my little son. I hope you can communicate with him because I think maybe he doesn't even know what this is doing to you. I wish you all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 12:07pm
He should understand how I feel, I've told him plenty of times. I got the courage the other night to tell him that "feeling like a table lamp" think and he said the same thing he always says when I try to tell him how I feel. "Oh, come on. You don't really feel that way." AAUGGHHH Why doesn't he hear me?!?!? I know he loves me and I know he cares but he just doesn't hear me. Is it he has no capacity for understanding me because he can't understand himself? If that's the case, I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.

I've done that "go to my room and have a good cry alone". It makes my eyes nice and red and my nose good and stuffy but the situation is still out there when I open the door. Then I get a "what was that all about?" and I don't really know. What was it, in that moment, that made me lose it? Probably, whatever it was, was really stupid and not worthy of the cry but it was only one last tiny thing on top of a huge unresolved pile of things that finally toppled over and made me cry. What do I tell him? The one silly thing that toppled it or the days and days and days of things piled one on top of the other? I've tried that in the past. It's like talking to a little kid. The attention span doesn't last long enough to even begin to try to explain then it's wondered off into whatever it is that's bothering him that day. It's always about him and his problem, his job, his pills, the strees he's under. Sometimes I wish I could just melt into the wall and disappear.

He makes me feel that my feelings don't count. I know he doesn't mean to do that, I know he cares about me, but it seems to me that in his mind whatever I'm feeling isn't as bad as what he's feeling and since he HAS to deal with his problems, I should be able to deal with mine since mine aren't as bad as his. Did that make sense? He's used those words to me on more than one occasion "what stress do YOU have?".

Maybe I won't go with him to his therapist. Maybe I'll just call the office on my own and ask them if they know a support group or therapist I could call. At this point, I don't care if my insurance would cover it. If I don't get to talk to someone my insurance is going to have to pay for my hospitalization when I completly break down. Ha...that would serve this household right. That was mean, wasn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 12:20pm

Hey, Lyn, I think you hit on a good idea.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 12:39pm
I think you right Barb. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself and of him. Maybe he doesn't have the time or maybe the mental energy to think about me. Maybe all his energy is used up just trying to get himself through a day at work and what he's feeling. Maybe isn't unfair of me to expect his help with the way I feel.

I've been focusing on my trying to help him and not focusing on myself. Maybe I'm trying to get him to do the same thing. Focus on me instead of himself. I guess that really isn't fair. Maybe the best thing for both of us is to think about ourselves first and each other second. I never thought that was what a marrage was supposed to be but after 19 years together, maybe it's how it should be from now on. How can two people be happy with each other if they don't even like themselves? You've given me a lot to think about tonight. I just hope this clear headed thinking lasts until tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 1:26pm
i can relate to your story because i am experiencing what your husband is going through; hating the job, feeling i'm not good at it, that i will get fired any day. i saw myself in your description of your husband. i think you need to go do more for yourself. my husband plays basketball at the gym, flag football and volleyball in leagues. he occasionally plays poker and has been on a guys weekend with a friend in baltimore. i need to take the que from him and start doing stuff out on my own too. all i do is sit at home crying. not because he is out, but because i am depressed about my job and being so far from home. i think joining the gym with your daughter is an excellent idea. not only will you both feel great from exercising, you will both motivate each other to go. it is so much easier to go when you have someone to bug you to go and to keep you company there. plus, i think you will set an excellent example for your daughter.