Husband's Depressed..Am I?
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| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:32pm |
"will need it when I lose my job". Incidentially, he has had this job for 3 years and, even with the disability periods, has gotten good reviews, raises and bonuses each year.
He has no interest in anything. He gets no enjoyment out of anything. He is so wrapped up in his personal cocoon of misery, he has no time to have a life other than that and no inclination to be a part of my life. The only thing we ever talk about is this. Sex? What's that? I could go on and on, but you probably have heard it all before.
My question really is....could I be depressed too? I have been dealing with him so long, I can't tell where he leaves off and where I start. I'm not even sure there is a ME anymore. I think about him all the time....how was his day...how was the traffic on his way to/from work....what kind of a mood will he be in tonight? I'm so wrapped up in this I think I'm losing myself.
I get nothing from him. He is too busy being depressed to see or care about me. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me but I don't FEEL it. I'll tell what I feel like. I am a table lamp. Think about it. How often do you notice your table lamp. When you need light. Then you turn it on and get what you need out of it. When you've gotten what you need, you turn it off and it's just there. An inadement (sp?) object. Just there. You don't feel the need to ever thank or show appreciation to the lamp for being there when you needed it or for giving you it's light so well. That's how I feel, I'm just there. "do for me..go for me..get me...take me..." but once that's done, I'm just there. No thank you for all the years I've stood by him or for all the support I've tried to give. No appreciation for any special thing I've done. Just there.
All I want to do is get in my car and just drive....drive until I run out of gas..and end up where ever I end up. Not tell anyone where I am and just start over, alone. Be someone else, a new life. But I know I can't do that. I have a life here but I just don't know how to live it anymore. I have a teenage daughter I can't leave and an aged mother who needs me. I'm trapped and I don't know what to do to get out.

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