Want to stop feeling this way

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Want to stop feeling this way
6
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:32pm
Hi everyone,

I am so glad that I found this board.

This past year has been bad for me, to say the least. My boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me in Feb. Right before that, in January, I was diagnosed with depression- actually, a relapse, as I went through a bout of it five years earlier. Started on Prozac in Feb., then switched to Wellbutrin in June.I lost my job in May. Tried to maintain my COBRA benefits but couldn't.I have been without benefits since Sept. but am still taking the medication.

I have had an especially bad time the last few months. I have a contract job that ended, and now I still cannot find a job. I have only two months of unemployment left, and this past Saturday I found out that my state will stop granting extensions- I thought I would be okay until June. Add this to the fact that I was home visiting my parents for the holidays, and on Saturday had a disagreement with my father (he was being very difficult, as he can be sometimes). I was up all night Saturday- literally no sleep, and crying. I decided to come back to my home Sunday.

Since then, I have been crying and crying and having anxiety. I normally get a little sad after the holidays, because they are over, but this is crazy. Everything in my life is falling apart- no job, no relationship, I have gained weight, financial problems- you name it. I have completely lost my spunk, and am nothing like the girl I was a year and a half ago. I wish I was closer to my family, and I miss them horribly, especially after seeing them at Christmas. (I live about 2.5 hours away)

I don't know what to do. I have no health insurance so I cannot see a therapist. If I go back to see my psychiatrist (who just prescribes my meds) I will have to pay out of pocket, but I have enough Wellbutrin to last for another month or so.

I hope all of this makes sense...I feel like I am babbling. I just need some advice on what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:44am

Welcome to the board!!!!


All of the things you have gone through in the past year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:13am
Trac's suggestion to go to Catholic Charities is very good. I don't know too much about United Way, but it sounds like they do many of the same things.

Catholic Charities can probably set you up with free counseling. They can also direct you to free clinics that should be able to get you free medicine. There is also is disability available through most state social services. Catholic Charities will be able to connect you with the right places and people to get what you need. There are services available for people in your position.

I'm so sorry for all of the terrible things you have gone through in the past year and a half. I had a period of time somewhat similar to yours. I was going through a divorce and starting a whole new life in a new city. I couldn't get a job that could even cover my rent and food. My older sister moved in with me and started verbally abusing me whenever she was around. I had lost everything. Then my dad died. I lost my hope and belief in myself.

I finally got a job at a department store. That with my two part time jobs had me working seven days a week trying to catch up. I still didn't have money for food and fed myself with a few dollars worth of vegetables I got at the farmers market every week. But I was on paying all my bills within a month and a half of working around the clock, trying to keep myself from crying every minute. It was a longer road to getting out of my depression. Cognitive Behavior Therapy and antidepressants have helped me immeasurably. I came so close to ending my life in the middle of that dark time. I felt that I didn't have any strength or hope left inside me. I thought that God had abandoned me. I prayed, asked for help so often, and did the things I thought I couldn't do.

Reach out for help, even if you think you don't want to. There are many services available to us when we are going through such times. You will work again. Weight comes off. I know because I was at the fattest of my life a few months after my divorce. But once I was running around Nordstrom all day, the weight melted off.

I'm glad you found this great board. It is a fantastic place. And there are many women with humor, compassion and creative solutions to life's challenges.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:43am
Honey

God I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you over this past year I kniow how it feels when things seem to be snowballing and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

You said that you do contract work well what exactly do you do?

Have you tried boards like monster.com or hotjobs.com or maybe called an agency A freidn of mine works for one he is a head hunter and there is usually no fee for you to pay the companies that post jobs with them are the ones who pay the fee.

I am sorry to hear aout your boyfriend but maybe it was a blessing in disguise if he cheated on you then it is better that you are not with him any longer.

Maybe try to excercize like yago or something even just taking long walks usually help with feeling better, I know working out helps me out alot and it relaxes me especially after an overly exhausting day plus it kepps the weight off and tones your body.

I know how you feel about being awau from your family I moved to Arizona a few years ago and was 2500 miles away and I missed my family and friends so much that I moved back to Connecticut which is now a decision that I regret doing I have not been happy since I moved back here which was 4 years ago I am actually more depressed than when I was away from them.

But this is all just my own experiances and opinions we all have the power to make ourselves happy we just have to find out what that happiness is and run with it never let it go.

Good luck sweetie and feel better things will not always be like this it will get better for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:55am
Thank you so much for your responses. I never thought of Catholic Charites but I located the one here in Pittsburgh and I will contact them today. I also have never heard of using benadryl for anxiety. Does it make you drowsy? If it works, I will try it.

I am actually crying as I type...I am just soooo sad and lonely. But the loneliness was brought on by me because I have really been isolating myself- don't really want to go out anymore, not only due to money being tight but also I just don't enjoy going out. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin, if that makes sense. My one friend that I hang out with is blond, thin, and very outgoing, and I feel like the "ugly friend" when I go out with her. She still tries and tries to get me out, and tried to be encouraging but I think she is starting to lose patience with me. She is very type-A and I think she feels I am not doing "enough" to help my situation(s). As anyone with depression knows, it can cripple you and when everything is going wrong- it is overwhelming and you don't know where to start to fix things. Or, you get a step forward and then get slammed right back.

Anyway, I have been coccooning for the past few months. Went through that stage right after my breakup, went out little more this summer, and am now back to coccooning. Hence the weight gain- all I seem to do is eat. I have a very big problem with emotional eating.

Thank you so much for listening. It is nice to talk to someone who doesn't say "things could be worse" or any of those platitudes that I am sure we have all heard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:39am
Hi irisheyes1975,

Thank you for your kind words. To answer your question- I am a recruiter and the contract job I had was doing recruiting for a big company. I had hoped it would last til the end of the year, but they ran out of work and it ended right before Thanskgiving. So the money I was counting on having for Dec wasn't there, plus I used up another month of my unemployment. My original plan was to work until year end (when the project was supposed to originally end) and then go back on unemployment in Jan. I would have had unemployment til April, then I figured I would get an extension. That plan has fallen apart. No one hires in December, so I felt Dec. was a wasted month. What little money I had saved was to pay rent and such until unemployment kicked back in, and even though I cut way down on Christmas presents, still had to buy gifts.

Even though I am a recruiter- I can't find a job for myself! There are SO many recruiters and HR people out of work in this city. I have had four interview in the month of December- but none of them seem to be panning out. I don't know why I am getting interviews but no offers. I checked out the Job Seekers Support board on iVillage but truthfully, it just panics me. Everyone talking about how bad it is out there- I know that it is, and reading that board made me riddled with anxiety.

I am on the job boards all of the time, and I have talked to headhunters but they are inundated with HR resumes. I am even willing to relocate but no one wants to pay for relocation.

Thank you for listening...it feels good just to be able to vent...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:35pm
Lonelygirln,

I know I can't offer you much help in terms of recruitment, but I know how hard the situation can be. I posted for the first time a couple of days ago, after lurking here for a long time. This board has been so helpful to me, even just reading posts, so I'd like to offer any support I can, even if it's only very minor. I finished my MSc two years ago and since leaving university, I have been in the same retail job I had whilst I was studying! Although I was still grateful to have a job, I felt increasingly helpless at the lack of interviews and job offers. It has only been recently that I was offered the job I had always wanted and I had pretty much given up so please know that the job for you is out there - it will happen!

I know exactly what you mean about the 'cocooning' or isolating yourself from others! I still live in the family home and I have, until recently, been staying in my room all the time and hardly talking to my own family! Feeling disconnected from them, others and the whole world! I know how hard it is to try and make yourself do anything, even get out of bed! I know I can't offer that much advice, but I can tell you that my mood has lifted a lot since forcing myself to spend more time downstairs with my mum, dad and sister and talking a lot more to my mum about my feelings (or trying to anyway!). I hope you have someone you can talk to whether it's a therapist, family, friend because it really does help change the brain chemistry.

I went from thinking everyone was a stranger and everything felt hostile and wrong and having major active suicidal thoughts to my mood lifting within a couple of days, just by trying to do the things we're told to do to help ourselves. I know how hard it is and I know what the 'rock bottom' of despair feels like. Don't get me wrong, it's not a 'cure' as I'm sure you know, but it's weird how this illness makes us want to do the exact opposite of what we should do, or know we need to do, to help us lift our mood. I only hope it's not just the 'calm before the storm' on the rollercoaster again!

There have been a few jobs for recruitment consultants posted here where I live and in the local papers, internet sites, but then I'm pretty sure you won't want to relocate to Scotland from the US!!!!! Great scenery though! Friendly people too. Don't try haggis though - yuck!! You don't want to know what's in it!

Yvonne