New here and very worried!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
New here and very worried!
15
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:20pm
I have been 'lurking' here for a while now, but this is my first post. I have seen how supportive and caring everyone on this board is and am looking for some advice, support, just someone to talk to really. I have no idea where to start here and apologise in advance if this is long. I am 29(in January) and live in Scotland. I have had mild depression since finishing my MSc at university 2 years ago, although it has only been recently that I have realised that's why I wasn't completely myself! This year, however, I have been through some stressful situations and underlying those was the fact that I had been looking to start a career since finishing my MSC, but it just never seemed to happen. Just didn't seem to get the interviews and felt more and more hopeless as time went on. I have been working in an airport retail outlet as Supervisor during this time (this was the job that I had whilst at university)but it wasn't challenging, although grateful to be employed, I felt that I would never get anywhere.

I won't bore you with the details of the 'trigger situation' over the summer (although I think it played a significant role in 'pushing me over the edge'), but basically it just went from mild/moderate depression to severe depression and anxiety, which I have had now since August. I somehow managed to get a few interviews in Nov. and 'pulled myself together' or 'acted' for a few hours and I was offered 3 jobs in a row and I accepted a position with an Investment Bank as a trainee analyst back in November.

I start my new job on 5th Jan. but am extremely worried/anxious that I will not be able to cope as I am going through a very bad period in my depression and still cannot accept that I have this. Finding it really hard to get help. Scared that I will never get over this or feel 'normal' again and it's so hard to face every day. Have seen 2 different GPs, who prescribed different antidepressants, but I am extremely reluctant to take them due to what I have read concerning side effects, withdrawal and long term effects on the brain. I find myself in a situation which seems to be spiralling out of control and I have no idea what to do other than just take the medication, even though I don't want to take these drugs.

My entire world feels wrong, I feel wrong and I am very scared at the stage this is at now - I have been having suicidal thoughts and anxiety levels are extreme, have lost a lot of weight and all the other physical symptoms which I'm sure you have all experienced too. Feeling disconnected from everything and everyone and finding it hard to do even small everyday things. On the days I get myself out of bed, which is so hard to do, I feel worse when I can't seem to cope with day-to-day living. I thought, even knowing all I do about this illness, that I could still try really hard and get myself out of this, but it doesn't seem to work and then I get even more scared at just how this takes control of your entire mind and body. I am not eating hardly anything and feels sick when I think about food. I know I should try harder to look after my physical health, but I feel trapped and can't seem to do what is recommended, like exercise, diet, other activities.

I would really like to talk to a psychiatrist or pyschologist and have been reading up on CBT, although don't know if it would even work. However, the NHS in the UK has waiting lists of more than 9 months and private treatment is very expensive. I saw a different GP recently who has referred me to a private psychologist, which I will just have to pay for, even though money is tight at the moment. I can't see the psychologist for at least 4 weeks though and am very worried in the meantime what I should do. I can't give up this job as it's my only chance to work in the area I want and where I live too, but I don't think I should tell them or ask to start at a later date as I'm afraid they will not take me on (there still is a stigma attached to this illness and I don't want them to think I'm crazy or weird, although that's how it makes me feel anyway!)

I have seen a counsellor twice, but she feels she can't do anything in terms of 'talking' about issues until my mood lifts. It has gone deeper than surface issues now though, it's more about my irrational thinking and extremely negative thoughts and feelings. I can still see how far downhill I have come from the person I once was and I feel so helpless now and scared - very low self-esteem, everything seems so bleak, unreal, pointless and I don't even like looking in the mirror now because I think I look awful now, even though people tell me I don't. I never understood depression before this and I never thought anyone could ever have the intense feelings, emotions that it produces. So scared that I won't get through this. I just wanted someone to talk to who can understand what I am going through, because no one that hasn't had this can ever understand. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry this was so long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:42pm

Welcome, (((((Scottishgirl)))))!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:03pm
Thanks so much for your reply, Barb. Good to know that other people can understand this, even though I wish no one had to suffer with depression! I'm not sure what time it is where you are right now, but it's 4am here so I will keep this brief for now and look forward to talking with you and others on this board soon.

I hope I am using the boards correctly for postings and replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 1:40am

Welcome to the board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 12:13pm

hi hun!


As always my dear friend Trac has said the words that would say hehe...


I do want to add though that here you should feel safe ... there are no wrong ways to post or reply (unless you use inappropriate language hehe)


But honestly hun,, please dont worry. We all understand and have all been there before.


For now try and take those baby steps and Im sure things will work out with your new job.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 7:45pm
Thank you Trac and Caly for your kind words. It is a comfort just to know that I can be open with people who understand. I had an extremely bad day yesterday (I'm sure you know the 'depths of despair' I am talking about!) but today was an 'ok' day, although it's the rollercoaster that I hate. Never knowing when a really bad day will hit you. I've tried to work out triggers, but it just seems like everything overwhelms me. Is the 'rollercoaster' a 'normal' part of depression?

I am trying really hard to interact more with my family (mum, dad and sister)as I have been very withdrawn from them for months now and spending a lot of time on my own in my room, sometimes feeling like they were not my family anymore, like I wasn't a part of the family. Feeling guilty that I was not talking, but didn't want to either. I guess the more I isolated myself, the worse the depression got, but you all know the vicious circle here! They have been very supportive though and I can still see how hard it is for them to see me so ill. My mum has always been there for me to talk to, even when I was angry or snapped at her sometimes (then felt even worse, helpless, guilty that I couldn't even talk to my own family).

I have been prescribed Cipramil (I think it's called Celexa in the US) at 20mg to start. I was wondering if anyone has tried other alternatives like St. John's Wort? Is there anything else I can do to try and keep myself on a more even keel and not have the overwhelming bad days and extreme anxiety and awful thoughts? I am trying to take some gentle exercise for a start, like walks, but are there any supplements you could recommend? I read about B vitamins, folate, etc?????

I really am grateful to have someone to talk to who can relate to this. My mum and family have been great, but they still don't understand how bad depression really is. I have bought some books on it to read and one I have just started is 'Feeling Good' by David Burns, which seems like it might be a start anyway.

Thanks again for your support and I hope I can be of some support to others too, although I know we can only do what we can and take each day at a time.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:45pm

Hi, ((((((Yvonne)))))))!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 11:07pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{Yvonne}}}}}}}}}}}


Welcome to the board sweetie:-) To answer one of your questions, the rollercoaster is definitely part of the depression.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:27am

Yvonne,


St john's wort can help mild forms of depression but is not much good for full blown problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:55pm
Thank you to everyone for all the replies. I hope everyone else is doing well. Just to give you a little laugh though....sunlight!!.....in Scotland, in Winter!! We get the occasional glimpse, but nothing like you probably get where you live. The Winter hasn't been too bad...yet! Still very cold though.

Thanks for telling me your story about your anxiety, it's good to know that I'm not going crazy when I have these major anxiety attacks, although it's not like full blown panic attacks I don't think. I think that is what makes the depression worse because it seems to heighten all the bad feelings and it's the days with extreme anxiety that are accompanied by the active suicidal thoughts and urges! Is that 'normal' too?

Yesterday and today have been the first 2 days in months where I've felt my mood lift quite a bit, although I'm still feeling 'foggy' and very, very lethargic. I've cried (a lot!!) every day for the past 5 months and I can't believe that today and yesterday have been the first 2 days that I haven't actually cried! Have still felt like it and very sad, but somehow managed to control it and not 'need' to cry endlessly. I also have not had the passive suicidal thoughts that I had before, even on 'ok' days. Does this mean that I might be starting to take the first small steps to lift myself out of the severe stage of the depression? What worries me is that it's just a 'good' period and I will suddenly hit rock bottom again drastically! Although, it does feel different to the way I have felt before in the 'rollercoaster', but that could just be my mind 'playing tricks on me' as usual.

Do you think it's strange how quickly and drastically your mood can change on the rollercoaster? Our brain chemistry must be all over the place - it would be good if it would just even off and stay there, as I'm sure everyone wishes!!!!!

Thank you again for all your support. I think posting here is one of the things that is helping me and I'm going to start trying to do some more exercise too, maybe try and learn some meditation or relaxation techniques - would that help with the anxiety?

I will try to reply to some of the other posts and 'meet' others.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:31pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Yvonne))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Yes, axiety can lead to really bad thoughts of suicide or other types of self harm.

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