New here and very worried!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
New here and very worried!
15
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:20pm
I have been 'lurking' here for a while now, but this is my first post. I have seen how supportive and caring everyone on this board is and am looking for some advice, support, just someone to talk to really. I have no idea where to start here and apologise in advance if this is long. I am 29(in January) and live in Scotland. I have had mild depression since finishing my MSc at university 2 years ago, although it has only been recently that I have realised that's why I wasn't completely myself! This year, however, I have been through some stressful situations and underlying those was the fact that I had been looking to start a career since finishing my MSC, but it just never seemed to happen. Just didn't seem to get the interviews and felt more and more hopeless as time went on. I have been working in an airport retail outlet as Supervisor during this time (this was the job that I had whilst at university)but it wasn't challenging, although grateful to be employed, I felt that I would never get anywhere.

I won't bore you with the details of the 'trigger situation' over the summer (although I think it played a significant role in 'pushing me over the edge'), but basically it just went from mild/moderate depression to severe depression and anxiety, which I have had now since August. I somehow managed to get a few interviews in Nov. and 'pulled myself together' or 'acted' for a few hours and I was offered 3 jobs in a row and I accepted a position with an Investment Bank as a trainee analyst back in November.

I start my new job on 5th Jan. but am extremely worried/anxious that I will not be able to cope as I am going through a very bad period in my depression and still cannot accept that I have this. Finding it really hard to get help. Scared that I will never get over this or feel 'normal' again and it's so hard to face every day. Have seen 2 different GPs, who prescribed different antidepressants, but I am extremely reluctant to take them due to what I have read concerning side effects, withdrawal and long term effects on the brain. I find myself in a situation which seems to be spiralling out of control and I have no idea what to do other than just take the medication, even though I don't want to take these drugs.

My entire world feels wrong, I feel wrong and I am very scared at the stage this is at now - I have been having suicidal thoughts and anxiety levels are extreme, have lost a lot of weight and all the other physical symptoms which I'm sure you have all experienced too. Feeling disconnected from everything and everyone and finding it hard to do even small everyday things. On the days I get myself out of bed, which is so hard to do, I feel worse when I can't seem to cope with day-to-day living. I thought, even knowing all I do about this illness, that I could still try really hard and get myself out of this, but it doesn't seem to work and then I get even more scared at just how this takes control of your entire mind and body. I am not eating hardly anything and feels sick when I think about food. I know I should try harder to look after my physical health, but I feel trapped and can't seem to do what is recommended, like exercise, diet, other activities.

I would really like to talk to a psychiatrist or pyschologist and have been reading up on CBT, although don't know if it would even work. However, the NHS in the UK has waiting lists of more than 9 months and private treatment is very expensive. I saw a different GP recently who has referred me to a private psychologist, which I will just have to pay for, even though money is tight at the moment. I can't see the psychologist for at least 4 weeks though and am very worried in the meantime what I should do. I can't give up this job as it's my only chance to work in the area I want and where I live too, but I don't think I should tell them or ask to start at a later date as I'm afraid they will not take me on (there still is a stigma attached to this illness and I don't want them to think I'm crazy or weird, although that's how it makes me feel anyway!)

I have seen a counsellor twice, but she feels she can't do anything in terms of 'talking' about issues until my mood lifts. It has gone deeper than surface issues now though, it's more about my irrational thinking and extremely negative thoughts and feelings. I can still see how far downhill I have come from the person I once was and I feel so helpless now and scared - very low self-esteem, everything seems so bleak, unreal, pointless and I don't even like looking in the mirror now because I think I look awful now, even though people tell me I don't. I never understood depression before this and I never thought anyone could ever have the intense feelings, emotions that it produces. So scared that I won't get through this. I just wanted someone to talk to who can understand what I am going through, because no one that hasn't had this can ever understand. Thank you for listening and I'm sorry this was so long.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:45pm
Thanks for your help and replies, Trac. So, have you tried Haggis then? If not, don't! You won't want to know what's in it! I'm interested to know more about Virginia and the US in general. I have always been fascinated by everything about the States and would love to visit and maybe work there some day. My new job's company head office is in Houston.

I think that's one of the ways this board is helping too, because it's re-introduced my interest in the US, kind of lost sight of any and all of my interests due to the stage of depression that hit!

Everything seems so much more exciting over there, but I guess that's always the case when you don't live in the country you have an interest in. Anything you want to know about Scotland, just let me know. Have you ever visited?

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:19am

No, I have not tried Haggis, but yes I know what's in it and I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 11:18am

Is haggis anything like pig's stomach (stuffed)?

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:16pm
Barb,

The Amish culture sounds fascinating, but far removed from our (usually crazy) pace of life and 'big city' problems doesn't it?! I remember watching a documentary on them once and also that film with Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis! What fascinates me about your country is the sheer diversity of the states within it. The deep south, like Savannah, etc, I would love to see and all the big cities to and Arizona, California and definitely everywhere along the East Coast. I'd like to see Lake Louise, Banff Springs, Vancouver, Toronto, etc, in Canada too.

To answer your question, traditional haggis is: the outer is sheep's or lamb's stomach and it's stuffed with oatmeal, mutton, liver, heart, onion, spices and salt - sometimes ingredients can differ slightly and you get vegetarian haggis too and smoked venison haggis, but none is my thing I'm afraid! Not all of our food is yuck though, honestly.

You would like shortbread, it's a kind of biscuit, but high in calories though! Let's see...whisky cake, black bun (rich fruit cake), oatcakes, scotch broth, porridge (everyone knows that one!). We do have some fantastic salmon, seafood and fresh fish, all types of game and nice island cheeses - Orkney, Shetland and the Western Isles. Despite what people think though, our diet doesn't really consist of those traditional things!!! We just eat 'normal' every day foods and our restaurants have a wide range of food and different cuisines.

I'm sure you've probably tried whisky (our spelling)- single malt is the best, but you get blended malt too. I've only been on one tour around one distillery (there are loads!), but it's free and very interesting - they are found on the 'tourist trail' into whisky and castle country with some fantastic scenery!

If you want an old scottish remedy for the cold or feeling run down in general - called a 'hot toddy' - made by teaspoon sugar in glass, add teaspoon pure honey, add measure of whisky and top with boiling water. I'm not a whisky lover so not my thing. Just one of those old country home-made recipes though.

Hope I haven't put you off my country now! I live in the third largest city in Scotland, which has a population of around quarter of a million, maybe more. Not big by US standards, but it's big enough. It's the Energy Capital of Europe, a very rich (in monetary terms) city and very expensive cost of living and house prices due to the oil industry!

If you, or anyone, wants to tell me more about some US states then please go ahead. You can't ever have too much info. Also, I'm struggling with my mood at the moment and very worried how I'll cope with starting my new job on Monday, so anything to try and keep me 'lifted' a little will be greatly appreciated.

Take care.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 11:06am

Yvonne!


Its so cool to read about Scotland and learn of some of your Traditions.. Someday my dream is to travel and see a few of these wonderful places and the British Isles tops my list.


I myself grew up in NY but have lived the last 12 years here in Vermont.

*hugs             

Pages