newbie...and not starting year well
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newbie...and not starting year well
| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:04am |
I'm a freshman in college home for the holidays. I haven't read everyone's posts on this board but after sifting through a few posts, I've decided that perhaps this is a place where I can actually feel calm and safe.
First I'd like to say that I'm not sure at all if I'm truly "depressed". I have not been diagnosed by any psychiatrist. I try to avoid talking about me whenever possible. However, I have a history of eating disorders and what I think may be emotional abuse from my father. I also used to SI but I'm not sure if that was all a part of my "teenage angst" phase. This all happened around the ages of 14-17. For a year or so I thought things were going to be okay again. This thought was especially reinforced when I met my caring and wonderful boyfriend who has been a wonderful support to me whenever I have problems with my dad. But just this week, things have been getting worse at home again. When i was away at college, my parents were nice and open---but also fake, to me. Now that I'm home for the month, they seem to have shifted back to their normal selves---critical, strict, insulting, and controllative. In my house, you don't talk about what you want if you're the younger generation or you're viewed as "ungrateful". You don't ever say "no" because you'll get yelled at. And if anything goes wrong, it is automatically "my fault" because I'm always "up to mischief".
My father is an emotionally unstable individual who is melodramatic, selfish, and crude. He was never taught manners properly because he was the doted one of his parents. As a result, he has become very socially inept because things were always done his way. Of course now the burden falls on his children---me and my 7 year old brother. However, I feel that I take more of the burden because my family has a history of liking males better than females. I have felt this to be true more strongly as each month passes---even if my brother throws his toys on the floor and creates a mess, its somehow MY fault because *I* am suppose to be taking charge for HIS mess. Sometimes I feel rather used and abused because I have never been allowed to go out with my friends because it is ALWAYS my job to babysit. To this day, I have yet to ever gone to a sleepover or stayed out past 10:00 oclock at night.
It wasn't until maybe two years ago that my father became physically abusive. once, we were at a restaurant and I quietly asked him to stop slurping his soup. The response I got was a whack across the shoulder that knocked me from my stool. A couple of months later, me gasping at his inability to drive (he nearly ran into another car on the interstate highway) got me a bloody nose as he swung his arm around at my face. I don't think I can describe how wronged I have been over the years and how I feel abused and tired emotionally and physically. They have never supported anything I've done and I can count on one hand the number of times I remember them ever praising me for my accomplishments. The only thing that makes me feel better is my wonderful boyfriend whom I hope to marry someday and being away from home. Is it normal that home makes me feel unsafe and unhappy? Might I be depressed? I'm not even sure if my ramble is making sense. I'm sure somewhere up there I am sounding like a spoilt brat and being melodramatic. But I felt that if I didn't tell my story to someone tonight I could possibly just lose my mind.
First I'd like to say that I'm not sure at all if I'm truly "depressed". I have not been diagnosed by any psychiatrist. I try to avoid talking about me whenever possible. However, I have a history of eating disorders and what I think may be emotional abuse from my father. I also used to SI but I'm not sure if that was all a part of my "teenage angst" phase. This all happened around the ages of 14-17. For a year or so I thought things were going to be okay again. This thought was especially reinforced when I met my caring and wonderful boyfriend who has been a wonderful support to me whenever I have problems with my dad. But just this week, things have been getting worse at home again. When i was away at college, my parents were nice and open---but also fake, to me. Now that I'm home for the month, they seem to have shifted back to their normal selves---critical, strict, insulting, and controllative. In my house, you don't talk about what you want if you're the younger generation or you're viewed as "ungrateful". You don't ever say "no" because you'll get yelled at. And if anything goes wrong, it is automatically "my fault" because I'm always "up to mischief".
My father is an emotionally unstable individual who is melodramatic, selfish, and crude. He was never taught manners properly because he was the doted one of his parents. As a result, he has become very socially inept because things were always done his way. Of course now the burden falls on his children---me and my 7 year old brother. However, I feel that I take more of the burden because my family has a history of liking males better than females. I have felt this to be true more strongly as each month passes---even if my brother throws his toys on the floor and creates a mess, its somehow MY fault because *I* am suppose to be taking charge for HIS mess. Sometimes I feel rather used and abused because I have never been allowed to go out with my friends because it is ALWAYS my job to babysit. To this day, I have yet to ever gone to a sleepover or stayed out past 10:00 oclock at night.
It wasn't until maybe two years ago that my father became physically abusive. once, we were at a restaurant and I quietly asked him to stop slurping his soup. The response I got was a whack across the shoulder that knocked me from my stool. A couple of months later, me gasping at his inability to drive (he nearly ran into another car on the interstate highway) got me a bloody nose as he swung his arm around at my face. I don't think I can describe how wronged I have been over the years and how I feel abused and tired emotionally and physically. They have never supported anything I've done and I can count on one hand the number of times I remember them ever praising me for my accomplishments. The only thing that makes me feel better is my wonderful boyfriend whom I hope to marry someday and being away from home. Is it normal that home makes me feel unsafe and unhappy? Might I be depressed? I'm not even sure if my ramble is making sense. I'm sure somewhere up there I am sounding like a spoilt brat and being melodramatic. But I felt that if I didn't tell my story to someone tonight I could possibly just lose my mind.

Welcome to the board!
I relate to a lot of what you talked about in your post. My dad was abusive, though luckily (I think) it was only verbal/mental abuse and not physical. Also, I am the oldest of three girls and my youngest sister is 11 years younger than me, so I was *always* babysitting.
Have you ever talked to a doctor about all this?
I'm not an expert, and I'm not sure if you're depressed, but you are dealing with a lot of garbage. I'm glad you have someone who loves you by your side.
Depressed or not, you're definitely welcome here. There are some awesome ladies here..Keep us posted on how you're doing..
Jenn
Welcome to the board sweetie,
Verbal and emotional abuse can be more harming than physical abuse.