so how was new years?????? sad today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
so how was new years?????? sad today!
4
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:14am


I wanted to thank those of you who gave me advice about make up and hair I tried to remember what you all said to me I did go with mairac's idea of the white eyeline and it looked great really braught out my eye color and got a great compliment from my friends I wore my hair half up half down and curly the chandelier earrings looked beautiful I got a great dress which I am in love with so thank you to all of you I had a great new years eve drank a little too much but all and all it was a pretty great night took lots of pictures I just hope they came out okay.

Now however my 3 week high is coming to an end I can feel myself slipping back a little as each day passes, I started to hide in my room yet again get up go to work go home work out and crawl under the covers granted this is all just starting so maybe I can do the whole mind over matter thing and kick it to the curb I will try, I felt it showing its ugly little head new years eve I was sitting at the resteraunt thinking and I just started to tear up dont know why I thought about this past year all that has happened to me I get diagnosed with bipolar attempt suicide diagnosed with ocd possibly an eating disorder almost get kicked out of my house discover that my son calls his step mother mommy and I am mommy Erin slip over the summer do a coke binge sleep with some guy that uses me ect.....granted there is alot that I have overcome also but you cant help but wonder if this is all just a temporary and things will just go back downhill...

So I sat here the other day and went over in my head all that has happened to me this past year and I have come to see alot of things....number one I am so afraid to be happy number two I have to have chaos in my life if things are too calm I get anxious number three I am alone I have no one to come home to no one to love and that hurts so bad I hate being lonley number 4 I miss my son so much but alwyas think of giving my rights to him up beacuse he thinks of his step mother as his mommy not me as his mommy I know I sound stupid but my heart is just breaking when it comes to my son he is in Arizona and I am here in Connecticut and I want to be out there with him but I am so afraid to go back out there yet again I am afraid of everything when it comes to actually living for me it is safer to be motionless and just go about my day to day routine than to take a risk maybe it is because I am afraid to be happy who knows.

So here I am assessing my life with nothing to show for it I try so hard to be better to smile to laugh and most of the time I am happy but I always feel like something is missing I dont feel at home here in Connecicut I dont have anything or anyone keeping me here but still I stay since I have been back here my life has been turned upside down with nothing but regrets and no true happiness..

I know I am just throwing a pity party for me but I can not help it at this point in time in my life too much thinking on my part probably but at times as sad as this sounds I felt safer in my black hole than I do not in my little hole sometimes I want to give up and crawl back into it okay well I think that I have droned on enough for now.

I hope you all had a happy new year

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:16pm

(((((((((Erin)))))))))), hon, I wish I could have seen you on New Year's Eve.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:31pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ERIN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Sweetie, first, thank you for the reply to my post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:42pm

Question?


Did You Make one person smile?


Did you do something that made you feel good? even for a little while?


Did you do the best the could in each situation?


THEN YOU HAVE A LOT SO SHOW for all that you have done!


Dont try and look at your life like an award show.. Not everyone does things that win awards or changes the world or gets recognized by the masses. In fact Most people dont! and thats OK!!


Your life is measured by if you Tried! For the only failure in this world is

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 12:54am
Erin,

I have to tell you something very important. Most of the people in my life (besides my immediate family) think of me as really smart, beautiful, together, giving, wise, and lucky. But I could look back on the last year or at least the last year and a half and think the same things about myself that you think about yourself.

I've learned that this thing called depression is often mostly a matter of how we interpret our lives.

Yes, I've had some suicidal times this past year.

Yes, I've slipped in some areas that I'm proud of. In fact, I don't even tell people about two ways that I slipped this year because I don't want them to lose respect for me.

But I've also gotten more insight about myself this year than I've had my whole life. I've learned that I can slip back into depression, but I can come out of it by taking good care of myself.

I think you've learned that about yourself, too.

You went from sleeping with your sister's lover to shutting him out completely despite his agressive efforts.

You went from going out drinking and doing things you regretted, to taking care of yourself and not going out or drinking so you wouldn't put yourself in a position where your loneliness would land you in bed with someone you would regret sleeping with later.

Part of recovery is backslides. We all go through them. There are things that we think we are past that we find ourselves doing again. And in doing them we see how we have outgrown the pattern.

What I think is great about the past three weeks is that you put yourself in a position where you were doing what you wanted to do with people you wanted to be with. And as a result you had a good time and were happy, excited, and enjoying yourself.

Now you are back in Conn, a place that you don't like. You feel that it's going backwards. But in fact, you have learned that you can be happy when you are in surroundings that are healthier for you.

I went through the same thing a few years ago. I was living a life I hated and had no one in it that I could relate to. I felt alone. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears all day while I was running around selling clothes at Nordstrom.

Then a friend of mine came into town for a week. We were just friends, but having him stay with me was HEAVEN! I went from this hellish existence, living with my vicious, abusive sister and having no one who cared about me to being cared for and listened to. I still have to work 5 days of the time he was visiting. But on my days off we stayed in my room and talked all day. He played me songs on his guitar. He held me (platonically). I slept in his arms (platonically, believe it or not). He brought me picnics on my lunch break. One night I woke up at 3 am and told him all the hell I'd been going through. He just held me while I cried. I hadn't had anyone care for me like that in so long. Maybe ever. It was like the hell I was living in was lifted for this beautiful 7 days. I saw what I was capable of feeling and living.

But when my friend left, the same miserable life with uncaring people descended on me. I couldn't believe that life was still so unhappy when I'd just had such a beautiful week.

But it gave me something to shoot for.

And I started to change things about my life one by one. I kept working hard to be the top salesperson in my department and get enough money to not have to live with my sister anymore.

So I changed roommates and had someone move in that I really liked.

It took me almost three more months, but I got rid of this jerk I was dating. We had great sex, but he was hot and cold. When he'd leave in the morning I always felt crappy and empty.

Ultimately, I changed jobs to one that paid less, but I liked more.

Then you know what happened?

My wonderful friend who lived two thousand miles away came to visit me again. By the second night, we had gotten together.

That was over seven years ago. He's my sweet dh. He's the great, loving man that I always talk about on this board. He's the first person who ever made me feel loved.

So my point is that when you have good times like you just had, it can show you that having the right friends and a life you enjoy more can bring you more happiness.

Even after I changed my life, it still took me a while to get over my depression. As I said, I still have bouts with it. But changing my life was the first step towards that.

And this past year, getting into my masters program in psychology and getting out to spend time with people I've met who are like me has helped me to be happier than I've been in over ten years.

So I think that what you have been through this holiday season shows you that when you spend time with people that you like in a place that you enjoy, you feel that you belong and are happy.

It also shows you that when you focus on the present and what you want for the future, you are happy. When you focus on what you think you have failed at in the past, you are miserable.

I used to think that I couldn't control what I thought about. Now I've learned to stop my negative thoughts and focus on happier things. Sometimes it takes me a week or two to remember to do that. But we can all do that!

Erin, I can't wait to see the beautiful pictures of you from New Year's Eve! You've got to post them or email them to me. If you do, I'll email you a picture of me and my little dog-baby.

I'm so excited that you did all of the things that I suggested. Personally, I think that getting dressed is usually the best part of evenings like that. I can't wait to see your dress! It's so fun to be a girl, isn't it? It's like that Shania Twain song, Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

I'm proud of how far you have come. You are very strong and capable of amazing growth.

We love you, Erin! Your words help me so much. I appreciate the support you've given me this past year when I've been in need.

All My Love,

Maria C


Edited 1/3/2004 11:01:34 PM ET by cal70