What can I do for my Mom? (m)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What can I do for my Mom? (m)
3
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:28am
I've never been on this board before, but I'm hoping to get some sound advice. I think my Mom is suffering from depression.

My Dad died almost 7 years ago -- my parents were married for 31 years when he died. My Mom coped fairly well. In August of 2002 a friend of hers from an old job was in need of a place to stay while he was in between leases so she offered her spare bedroom. It was supposed to be for 3 weeks. He stayed for about 10 months and their relationship developed into more than just friends. He's about 20 years younger than her (he's a year older than me). During the time that he lived there my Mom lost a tremendous amount of weight. She was very petite and thin to begin with, but she went from like a size 6 to less than a size 0. She also started drinking a lot with him...wine with meals, a cocktail before bed, etc. At about the same time she lost interest in her grandkids (my kids), with whom she had a terrific relationship before. She also used to be a workaholic and now has lost interest in work. This "friend" moved out in June because he had met someone else and was in love. She seemed very sad and lonely during the time he was gone. Needless to say, that relationship ended and he moved back in with her in early September.

She has dropped hints recently about him -- that he's obsessive compulsive and anti-social, that he's nuts, etc.

She went to visit my brother and sister-in-law last week out west (we're on the east coast). My SIL e-mailed after my Mom left that she was very concerned about my Mom. She said the weight loss was alarming and that my Mom almost never ate a meal while she was there. She said they all went out to dinner with SIL's parents (who were also extremely alarmed at how skinny my Mom had gotten) and that my Mom opened up a little about what's been going on with her -- can't sleep at night, wakes every hour or so and her mind conjures up things, that her relationship with this guy is not healthy, that he's "nuts, nuts, nuts" (although she said he is not dangerous, just crazy)and that she was trying to do someone a favor and now couldn't get rid of him, that she's been taking kava kava pills to help her sleep. My SIL also observed that the drinking has increased -- wine with every single meal, between meals, before bed.

My Mom and I have a good relationship, but not an emotionally open one, so while I want to talk to her about this, it will be very weird for both of us. For those of you suffering from depression, what can I say to her? How do I even start a conversation without making her defensive? How can I help her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:49am


It is a very hard thing to do trying to talk with someone with out them getting defensive I know at times I take things as a personal attack when someone tries to talk with me about my actions so try to think about what you will say before you say it.

Your mom sounds like she has developed an eating disorder from what you have said at times becase of depression you wont eat or cant eat and that can lead to eating disorders maybe start with that how you all have grown concerned about her lack of eating and weight loss see what happens from there I know for me it was easier to talk about my eating problems that to talk about the depression or any of the other things that I have done to my body plus weight loss is such an apparent thing that it is hard to miss it and not notice it.

This man that your mom had living with her is not a good person to have in her life the drinking well that causes depression also since alcohol is a depressant anyways so that could also be another cause well good luck hun talking to your mom.

erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:28pm

Welcome to the board hun!


Its true that your Mom may become defensive it you try to talk to her especially "head on" so to speak. Perhaps the best course of action is to just mention that you are generally concerned with her health and see if she will see a doctor. You can at least rule out any other medical conditions for the weight loss and her doctor may be able to prob into emotional areas without her getting defensive.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:01pm
Depression can be a touchy subject for people. I know that trying to talk to men about being depressed they can get very defensive. I am not emotionally close with my mom either and I am the one who has depression but my advice to you is to one day when you are with her say mom I would like to talk to you about something, then explain that you are doing this not to hurt her but because you love her. Tell her what you and others have noticed as far as like the eating and lack of interests. Then ask her what she thinks about it and what she thinks it could be. Then tell her what you think it is (depression) and what can be done to help her. Just to let you know that ultimately the decision is hers to get help and it will be hard to stand by and not do anything if she chooses not to get help. I am where I am now a days because I chose to get help but not every one does just to let you know. Also you might want to tell her about this board. There is a bunch of caring and supportive women here. Let us know how it goes. Andrea