What can I do for my Mom? (m)
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| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:28am |
My Dad died almost 7 years ago -- my parents were married for 31 years when he died. My Mom coped fairly well. In August of 2002 a friend of hers from an old job was in need of a place to stay while he was in between leases so she offered her spare bedroom. It was supposed to be for 3 weeks. He stayed for about 10 months and their relationship developed into more than just friends. He's about 20 years younger than her (he's a year older than me). During the time that he lived there my Mom lost a tremendous amount of weight. She was very petite and thin to begin with, but she went from like a size 6 to less than a size 0. She also started drinking a lot with him...wine with meals, a cocktail before bed, etc. At about the same time she lost interest in her grandkids (my kids), with whom she had a terrific relationship before. She also used to be a workaholic and now has lost interest in work. This "friend" moved out in June because he had met someone else and was in love. She seemed very sad and lonely during the time he was gone. Needless to say, that relationship ended and he moved back in with her in early September.
She has dropped hints recently about him -- that he's obsessive compulsive and anti-social, that he's nuts, etc.
She went to visit my brother and sister-in-law last week out west (we're on the east coast). My SIL e-mailed after my Mom left that she was very concerned about my Mom. She said the weight loss was alarming and that my Mom almost never ate a meal while she was there. She said they all went out to dinner with SIL's parents (who were also extremely alarmed at how skinny my Mom had gotten) and that my Mom opened up a little about what's been going on with her -- can't sleep at night, wakes every hour or so and her mind conjures up things, that her relationship with this guy is not healthy, that he's "nuts, nuts, nuts" (although she said he is not dangerous, just crazy)and that she was trying to do someone a favor and now couldn't get rid of him, that she's been taking kava kava pills to help her sleep. My SIL also observed that the drinking has increased -- wine with every single meal, between meals, before bed.
My Mom and I have a good relationship, but not an emotionally open one, so while I want to talk to her about this, it will be very weird for both of us. For those of you suffering from depression, what can I say to her? How do I even start a conversation without making her defensive? How can I help her?

It is a very hard thing to do trying to talk with someone with out them getting defensive I know at times I take things as a personal attack when someone tries to talk with me about my actions so try to think about what you will say before you say it.
Your mom sounds like she has developed an eating disorder from what you have said at times becase of depression you wont eat or cant eat and that can lead to eating disorders maybe start with that how you all have grown concerned about her lack of eating and weight loss see what happens from there I know for me it was easier to talk about my eating problems that to talk about the depression or any of the other things that I have done to my body plus weight loss is such an apparent thing that it is hard to miss it and not notice it.
This man that your mom had living with her is not a good person to have in her life the drinking well that causes depression also since alcohol is a depressant anyways so that could also be another cause well good luck hun talking to your mom.
erin
Welcome to the board hun!
Its true that your Mom may become defensive it you try to talk to her especially "head on" so to speak. Perhaps the best course of action is to just mention that you are generally concerned with her health and see if she will see a doctor. You can at least rule out any other medical conditions for the weight loss and her doctor may be able to prob into emotional areas without her getting defensive.
*hugs