never more scared
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never more scared
| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:16pm |
I probably have felt this bad in the past but I don't think so. I have a long history of depression, hospitalizations, severe memtal illness...I've been on every drug imaginable. Nothing works. I don't believe I'm bi-polar or anything they have diagnosed me with in the past 4 years. I'm just depressed - soooo depressed - and frightened all the time. It's so bad That I haven't been able to do even the basics most of the time; take care of my children, shower, shop, pay the bills. I believe I'm this way due strictly to the events in my life and not any chemical or mental disorder. My childhood was horrible. My mom died when I was 7. (A photo of her dead body is on the internet and her death was documented in a PBS special) My sister and I were left with an abusive father. Very abususive. But I loved him - he was all I had. I was put into fostercare for my protection and he died while I was there. I never got to tell him I loved him. I never got to see him again. I never got over it. I was orphaned and felt alone and scared until I met my husband in 1990. I had a daughter from a prior marriage (he was abusive) and had two more children with the love of my life. For ten years I was the happy mother and wife or so I thought. I was a community volunteer, received community service awards, directed the childrens' art program at my kids' elementary school and thought I had an almost perfect life. My only complaint was the severe migraines that would knock me down and make me deathly ill every month. But in between headaches I was happy. Two days after Christmas 1999 while the family sat happily and content around the Christmas tree my husband's pager went off and I read the 3 numbers on it to him. My teenaged daughter was shocked and informed me those 3 numbers were pager code for I love you. The page was from our babysitter who claimed to love our children and they her. She had been watching them since she was 18. She was now 20. She had stayed in my home with my husband and kids while I was out of town. There were gifts under the tree for all of us from her. I gave her gifts. I treated her like family. I learned she'd been sleeping with my husband the whole time. She'd used my children to be with him. Never once did my father's fist hurt so bad. I lost it completely. Two weeks later I found out he had twin babies with a different woman. It wasn't until last Christmas that he confessed his love to yet another. She had been in the picture for 9 years and in the deep recesses of my mind I had feared this. The nightmare was complete. It was love at first sight he claimed (that "first sight" was ten years ago). He was sleeping with her, with me and yet another woman that year. I spoke with her husband - he didn't know, just that his marriage was unhappy. I learned she was calculated and thought she could have both her husband and mine. He confirmed the lies and answered my questions. They've started over but the phone bill shows my husband still calls her almost every day. I love him and I need him and I don't know how to live without him. I haven't had a moment of happiness in 4 years. He's still in my life part time and can be very critical and hurtful. Always about my mental state. Not his fault. What's wrong with me? I hate him half the time. I'm afraid to be with him and afraid to be without him. I'm alone with no family. I don't have any friends left. I was too ashamed to keep up any friendships. This holiday season was the most depressing I've had yet. Memories of last year when he confessed his love for her. Sleeping with all these other women hurt but loving her has destroyed me. I want to be loved. I need to be loved. I'm scared and alone and don't know how to keep on going. The only thing I know is that I never want to end up in a hospital again and have been faking it in front of him and the kids so they won't send me back. But this is not living. There must be some way to get better. Please, if anyone knows how to rid my mind of these bad memories. How to learn to live alone. How to accept my lost youth. How to want to keep going. Tell me. Please.

Welcome to the board hun
Time is the only thing that will help the memories and if we look back to hard we will always find regret so the best thing to do is Look forward.
Dont try to change your past (you cant) but you can change your future! Do you see a counselor or therapist? It might be a good place to start. Coming to terms with the fact that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, regardless of all that has happened to you is the first step.
I hope that posting here will help too and im sure the wonderful ladies here will take you into their hearts as well
Lots of Support coming your way!
*hugs
*hugs
Welcome!!
I'm very sorry that you're having such a rough time right now.
Blessed Be!
Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches