Need advice plse, very scared(triggers)
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| Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:41pm |
I'm scared I won't be able to cope tomorrow when I start my new job. I want to be able to enjoy it and do it well, but I can't seem to control this, especially the anxiety! I'm worried that I won't ever recover from this or even manage it successfully and I just want to be able to live 'normally' like others seem to and like I used to - it's so hard to fight this (like you all know!), feeling very unreal and so angry and hopeless that I can't seem to do even normal things.
I think I look really awful now and hate even looking in the mirror, even though people tell me I don't look any different. My skin looks and feels different, probably due to the stress my body has been under for so long, but it just makes me feel horrible. I know I have an 'obsession' with my skin and appearance and the rational part of me knows that I don't have much to worry about, but it still overwhelms me! I think that it's my 'perfectionism' thinking that's the worst and always wanting to be more and do more than I would expect from anyone else! I even panic about small things too, like changes in my skin from oilier to dry and some redness or a small mark, etc! I know it sounds crazy, but to me it's a huge deal.
I think it's because I'm still single and getting older (29 soon) and have never had a long-term relationship (just a few major mistakes instead, the last one contributed to the onset of my severe stage of depression!) and worry about never meeting anyone again and that they won't find me attractive enough or emotionally healthy enough to want to date me. I feel that now I know I have this illness, which most people don't understand, that a guy would not want to stick around, think I was weird or something! I just don't want to be left on the shelf! I still think I have a lot to give, but I'm also very wary now (due to last guy - very screwed up man! no abuse or anything though, just mind games due to his own insecurity!). I think that all men will want from me is either friendship or sex and I want the whole deal, I want someone to want me for me! I know that sounds 'needy' and I never was, but I seem to be focused so much on all these 'life' things now and that it won't ever work out. Certainly don't want a man for money or security (have always been very independent and plan to still be) but just to know that I could share life with someone now that I'm getting older.
can anyone else (single) relate to this? I know it sounds strange, but it's my reality. I also worry that I won't be up to the challenge of this new career since I'm struggling to just get through every day right now. I'm sorry that I've blurted all this out, but I just can't see a way out of this right now, I'm feeling very 'unreal' and have been crying a lot today again after 3 days of being sort of ok. Feel like I haven't achieved anything in my life (except my BA Hons and MSc degrees), but they don't seem to really count now! I also feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be at this point and look back on all the mistakes I've made and the future looks pretty bleak at this point. I know I have a lot I should be grateful for, and I am, but I would give anything right now to just be able to function 'normally' again!
I'm sorry this is so long, but other than my mum, I don't really have anyone else to talk to! My one friend doesn't understand and I've never felt close to her anyway - I don't want to sound nasty 'cause that's not me, but she is very competitive and jealous of other women and has a lot of issues herself, which I don't think she even recognises, seems like she's in her own little world and to be honest spending time with her was making me feel worse! I tried to explain how awful I was feeling and even said the illness makes you not want to be here anymore, etc. She replied with (and I couldn't believe it was any kind of 'sane' response) 'well, everyone feels like that sometimes'!!!! So, I basically haven't seen her for quite a while, for my own health.
It's so good to be able to 'talk' to people who can understand and offer any advice. Do you think I can fight this without the ADs or should I wait to see the Psychotherapist? Also, very concerned about my new job - any coping techniques? Or has anyone been in this situation? Thank you so much and I'm sorry this was so long.
Yvonne

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Think of your new job this way: An explorer going into a new territory is kind of scared precisely because it's new and unknown, but also excited at the possible adventures and discoveries. Try to think of it that way. You're meeting new people, probably testing new skills. A lot of good to discover! I'm looking for a new job myself right now, so I can relate.
We're always here for you, so post as often as you like!
I have been away for a few days, so I haven't yet read your introductory post.
I am 25 and I am single also. I live in a pretty small town and it is really frustrating being alone. I can relate to feeling as if you aren't worth it or pretty enough for someone to love.
I am on Paxil, and I know that I couldn't battle depression without it. I think you should maybe at least talk with your doctor about medications.
Please take care
Pamela
(((((((((((((((((Yvonne)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie, It sounds like you are having a panic attack over starting that new job.. so i want you to take a Deep breath and relax!
I know its not easy but try focusing on the positive for just a little while. You got the job because you are qualified and you CAN DO IT! Try to put failure out of your mind for just a little bit. Go run a hot bath and pick out your clothes for tommorrow so the morning runs smooth.
I wish I had some advice about the relationship thing but im not single. I can share that I didnt meet my husband until I was 29 and was married at 30 so dont think that being a 'little' older means it too late. The thing about relationships is the best ones seem to happen when you arent looking for them. *wink
Sending lots of hugs and support and caring your way!

*hugs
*hugs
Thanks for your support. It's a relief to know we can post anything on this board and no one will judge you or think you're weird! I feel bad being selfish when others are in worse situations or have gone through more 'life' issues, but I guess it's all relative isn't it, it's how it makes you feel. The only 'good' thing about this illness is that it makes you realise that helping others is important and that trivial matters or material things are not related to happiness or health. I've always given to charities and distributed raffle tickets, but I have a much stronger urge now to become involved in volunteer/charity work at some point on a weekend basis, especially relating to mental health issues. You sound like you have some wise words of wisdom to impart and I know you have had a great deal to cope with from reading your profile. Thanks for taking the time.
Pamela,
Thanks for replying. I was prescribed Celexa 20mg, but I talked in my first post about how hard I'm finding it to make the decision to take it! You know the deal...worries about side effects, withdrawal, long-term implications. Sounds stupid, I know, but I thought if I tried really hard that I could fight it without them and try CBT instead, but I'm not so sure now! It's been very bad over the past few months and I did a 'Burns Depression Checklist' for a few weeks on and off to check the level of depression and it said severe depression - and I was being as accurate as I could about the feelings and symptoms. Have lost a lot of weight so that and the stress is obviously contributing to my tiredness and general health!
Thanks again to you both and I just hope I can pull myself together enough to get through my first day at least! Take care.
Yvonne
I have looked out my clothes for tomorrow, sorted my lunch and my paper/pens/bag, etc and set my alarm - will have to get used to early mornings again! My last job was evenings so my body clock is kinda upside down!! Not so good...maybe that's why I feel so tired all the time??
What is the time difference between West, Middle and East Coast of US compared to the UK at the moment? I thought it was 8, 7 and 6 hours, but I could be wrong. It's almost eleven pm here now, if that helps.
Take care.
Yvonne
(((((((Yvonne))))))), I'll be praying for you tomorrow.
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CL-ladybug987
Im glad you are all set for tommorrow Yvonne! I know you will do great!
*hugs
You certainly did not intrude into my space so don't think that! I listen to everyone's advice and I know no one would take these drugs if they didn't have to. Thanks for the website. I am thinking a lot about taking them and am scheduled to see a psychologist in the next few weeks, although I have to pay for it privately, which is a bit of a struggle right now! The NHS has waiting lists of over 9 months so that's not an option!
I will let you know how my first day goes.
Yvonne
CL for The
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