Need advice plse, very scared(triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Need advice plse, very scared(triggers)
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Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:41pm
I have had 3 relatively good days where I tried really hard to think positive thoughts and focus on things I can do to help me get over this, but today I seem to have hit rock bottom again. I hate the rollercoaster, why can't our brains just regulate the levels after having good days? It seems even worse after being able to cope and see some way out only for it to slam you back against the wall!

I'm scared I won't be able to cope tomorrow when I start my new job. I want to be able to enjoy it and do it well, but I can't seem to control this, especially the anxiety! I'm worried that I won't ever recover from this or even manage it successfully and I just want to be able to live 'normally' like others seem to and like I used to - it's so hard to fight this (like you all know!), feeling very unreal and so angry and hopeless that I can't seem to do even normal things.

I think I look really awful now and hate even looking in the mirror, even though people tell me I don't look any different. My skin looks and feels different, probably due to the stress my body has been under for so long, but it just makes me feel horrible. I know I have an 'obsession' with my skin and appearance and the rational part of me knows that I don't have much to worry about, but it still overwhelms me! I think that it's my 'perfectionism' thinking that's the worst and always wanting to be more and do more than I would expect from anyone else! I even panic about small things too, like changes in my skin from oilier to dry and some redness or a small mark, etc! I know it sounds crazy, but to me it's a huge deal.

I think it's because I'm still single and getting older (29 soon) and have never had a long-term relationship (just a few major mistakes instead, the last one contributed to the onset of my severe stage of depression!) and worry about never meeting anyone again and that they won't find me attractive enough or emotionally healthy enough to want to date me. I feel that now I know I have this illness, which most people don't understand, that a guy would not want to stick around, think I was weird or something! I just don't want to be left on the shelf! I still think I have a lot to give, but I'm also very wary now (due to last guy - very screwed up man! no abuse or anything though, just mind games due to his own insecurity!). I think that all men will want from me is either friendship or sex and I want the whole deal, I want someone to want me for me! I know that sounds 'needy' and I never was, but I seem to be focused so much on all these 'life' things now and that it won't ever work out. Certainly don't want a man for money or security (have always been very independent and plan to still be) but just to know that I could share life with someone now that I'm getting older.

can anyone else (single) relate to this? I know it sounds strange, but it's my reality. I also worry that I won't be up to the challenge of this new career since I'm struggling to just get through every day right now. I'm sorry that I've blurted all this out, but I just can't see a way out of this right now, I'm feeling very 'unreal' and have been crying a lot today again after 3 days of being sort of ok. Feel like I haven't achieved anything in my life (except my BA Hons and MSc degrees), but they don't seem to really count now! I also feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be at this point and look back on all the mistakes I've made and the future looks pretty bleak at this point. I know I have a lot I should be grateful for, and I am, but I would give anything right now to just be able to function 'normally' again!

I'm sorry this is so long, but other than my mum, I don't really have anyone else to talk to! My one friend doesn't understand and I've never felt close to her anyway - I don't want to sound nasty 'cause that's not me, but she is very competitive and jealous of other women and has a lot of issues herself, which I don't think she even recognises, seems like she's in her own little world and to be honest spending time with her was making me feel worse! I tried to explain how awful I was feeling and even said the illness makes you not want to be here anymore, etc. She replied with (and I couldn't believe it was any kind of 'sane' response) 'well, everyone feels like that sometimes'!!!! So, I basically haven't seen her for quite a while, for my own health.

It's so good to be able to 'talk' to people who can understand and offer any advice. Do you think I can fight this without the ADs or should I wait to see the Psychotherapist? Also, very concerned about my new job - any coping techniques? Or has anyone been in this situation? Thank you so much and I'm sorry this was so long.

Yvonne

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 5:11pm
Thanks to everyone.

My first day was ok. I deserve an Oscar for my 'acting'!!!!! Felt very weird, but managed to struggle through and get a few things done. My anxiety is very high though and I think I will just have to take the Celexa because I'm still having a really hard time and I guess I will just have to accept that I can't fight this on my own, or maybe even with therapy alone?!

I am seeing my doctor again next Tuesday, so I will wait until then and discuss it with him. Hopefully I will get my appointment with the psychologist soon, which will be a step forward.

Can anyone else relate to this or is it just me that's weird, 'cause I can't understand these feelings?? When I am anywhere but at home, I don't feel 'safe' and I couldn't wait to get home from work tonight and on my laptop in my room - and back on this board - it's kinda like a 'safety zone' and for some reason, maybe because my body clock is used to night and not day, I feel very anxious during the day and in well lit rooms (like the office)and I feel better when it's dark or dimly lit and when evening comes - I seem calmer. Is this weird?? I can't exactly tell them to turn the lights off and let me use a table lamp!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I had such weird feelings, I can't even describe them! Just don't feel real, if that makes any sense! Also, I still have passive suicidal thoughts, just sort of a feeling that I want out, but they are not 'active' urges like they were, but still feeling very, very low. I think the anxiety is worse now, which adds to things.

I still don't know how to 'cope' at work and anxious about even getting through the rest of the week, let alone longer! Does the Celexa work on anxiety as well as depression in equal measures?? Also, anyone else who is on it, I'd appreciate any advice or comments on how it has helped. Thank you all.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 5:56pm

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo


Way to go hun!!


I dont have any ideas about Celexa cause I havent used it but I want to say Im proud of you for doing so well at work today and it will get easier im sure!!


((((((((((((((((((((((((((YVONNE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

*hugs

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 6:07pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((yvonne))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I was so upset yesterday that the board wouldn't let me post a response to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 6:26pm
Thanks, Caly. Your posts are full of energy!

Thanks, Trac. Your suggestions were good. Maybe when I personalise my desk area more and take in a softer light I might feel more comfortable. So, you think it would be ok to ask them to take out a couple of the strips in the overhead lights? I might just do that because they are very bright, especially for a 10 hr day! I think that was maybe one of the things I was anxious about too, knowing that I'd be there so long and not being able to ease myself into it or take flexible time sometimes. They work such long hrs in the inv. banking ind., but then I've heard that US companies expect a lot from their employees too and that the working culture is centred around long hrs? Oh and just to mention that I am just using British spelling, in case you think I can't spell!! I know there are a lot of differences in our spellings and the way we write dates.

Can you tell me how I join in the 'health chat' tomorrow? I figured it's 7pm my time.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:09pm

Woot Yvonne! Having you stop by Chat tommorrow would be awesome!!


Its very easy to get to actually.. All you need to is click on the link in my Signature or on the header that says "HEALTHY OUTLOOK"... that will take you to the chat rooms.. then you will see a link that says The LIVING ROOM.. If you click on that it will take you to the chat room!


Let me know if you have any problems! and See you then I hope!! Waving





*hugs

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 7:14pm

Hon, you did great!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:12pm
I can't say thanks enough to you all for helping me. I'm sorry that my posts have mostly been negative, but I'm just really struggling right now. I will try and post more to others than I have! What scares me most right now is the extreme anxiety that I am experiencing, which has never been this bad before. That coupled with the depression is just overwhelming (as you all know).Maybe I'm even having panic attacks now?? I can't seem to sleep at all and when it's quiet and I'm lying down my heart starts to beat really fast and I feel all panicky, sweaty hands and very weird feeling of being overwhelmed by everything! I also am a lot more shaky/trembly than I was before. It sounds crazy, but when I was in the very depths of my depression (thought I was going mad!)I didn't really have the anxiety levels I have now. It was as if I was in my own little world and couldn't even see out and so I was 'isolated' from the very things that I now can see and that worry me so much. Does that make sense? Does it sound like a panic attack or just anxiety?

You're going to think I'm strange, but I have recently been worrying about something else as well! I have always had sinus problems, but have never felt it across my face or forehead. I don't know if it's that or my anxiety or maybe even my skin (which I worry about, or obsess about all the time! even though there are no major problems!)but I now have a pulsing sort of feeling in my cheeks and head and my face feels hot and tingly all the time! I did use an exfoliation on my skin and even worry now that I maybe exfoliated too much and have now irritated my skin and with the cold weather it's all dry and tight! Maybe it's partly because I'm dehydrated too, not drinking as much water as I should and I used to drink 2 litres of bottled a day! Not eating much either, just feel sick all the time.

I know this all sounds very strange and I'm not crazy, honestly! I just seem to worry so much about everything and work is a major worry right now too. I think that's why I can't sleep and feel really sick and weird, thinking about tomorrow! Well, today actually since it's now 2am and I have tried to sleep for 3 hrs now! I just had to do something so I'm sorry if I've gone on too much, but it helps to get all this stuff out. I'm glad you are all 5 or more hrs behind our time here as maybe someone could reply and try and put my mind at ease a little? Thank you again and I know I sound strange on some of these posts, but it's worse if I keep all this stuff in! I just wish I could overcome this anxiety as it's really a worry in itself now!

Yvonne

p.s. Your advice and support is wonderful and I'm so glad I posted on this board. Will try and make the next one less negative!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:06am

Hi, hon!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:29am
Yvonne,

I want to assure you that all the feelings you have described are very normal for depression. I can relate to all of them. I've felt the same way, worrying that no one would be able to love me with the depression I've struggled with.

I've known lots of people, both men and women, who can love someone struggling with depression. My dh loved me so beautifully as I went through years of depression. I finally had a major recovery after years of ups and downs. One of my dearest friends is 33 and has struggled with depression her entire life. About 6 months ago she began dating someone who has been kinder and more supportive than any man she's ever met. He's far above the other man she's dated. She didn't think she would ever have a good relationship. After some breakthroughs in therapy and a really scary, destructive relationship that she finally got out of, she was able to make healthier choices. She's finally being open and honest, and calling a guy on behavior that makes her uncomfortable. She's communicating in a healthy way and creating a beautiful relationship. But it's scaring her because she's never had it before. She thinks it can't be real!

I'm telling you all of this to show you that there are many of us out there who feel or have felt exactly the way you do. Don't worry that you should be in some other place than where you are right now. Heck, by 29 I had been married and divorced. Many people get married in their 20s and divorced in their 20s and 30s. If they are lucky, they didn't have children with someone who is unhealthy and who they will have to struggle with for the rest of their lives. So you are much better off than all of us who married some jerk who was all wrong for us when we were younger and less well-educated than you are. I know women in their 40s and 50s struggling as single mothers with small children while trying to finish their undergraduate or masters degrees. Please don't compare yourself to where you think you should be. Life isn't a competition or a game with certain milestones at certain birthdays.

I think you are very smart to separate yourself from this "friend" who is self-centered and doesn't understand what you are going through. All of us on this board can relate to having friends who don't support or understand what we are going through. I've lost a few friends like that along the way. The worst part was that I sometimes went long times without having a friend because I couldn't take my toxic friend anymore.

It has also really helped me to find this board. It is such a relief to be able to communicate with other people who understand the experience of depression. This board truly helped me feel normal for the first time in my life.

One thing that has helped me is when I fall back into the darkness, I remind myself that I have gotten out of it before and I will again. That's what I finally realize. I always come out of it. I know that it is disenheartening to go back into darkness when you have been feeling better. To me the healing process is about dealing with each dark period as it comes. Then when I'm out of them, to try to avoid the dark periods, and lengthen the periods of peace and happiness. And when I'm in a dark period to come out of it as soon as I can.

Another thing that has helped me is to give myself a great deal of compassion. Depression is a real illness. It is painful and debilitating. You deserve kindness and patience with yourself.

Part of recovering from depression is accepting yourself exactly as you are. You don't need beautiful skin to be a lovable person. My dh doesn't have good skin, but I adore him. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He has changed my life in every way.

I was also worried about getting older, but since I've turned 30, I've felt amazing relief. I feel that the pressure to be that perfect woman is off. I feel like I look pretty good for a 33 year old. So I'm not worried about it so much anymore. It's great! Getting older is freeing to me.

I think as we get older and learn to accept ourselves, we make healthier choices about who we hang out with and who we date. You are clearly making healthier choices about your friendships. That is something to be proud of. It's great to take care of yourself like that. Coming to this board is taking care of yourself. You are doing some great things to take care of yourself.

As for ways to cope with depression when you are working, I have a few. When I was working all day during my depression, I took really good care of myself. It was the only way I got through each day. I packed a healthy lunch. (Carrots always improve my mood.) I went to bed very early every night. I spent my lunch break resting in the company "cot room."

Working with depression is very hard. Are you in therapy right now? A good therapist can help you make progress. My therapist used Cognitive Behavior Therapy last year with me and I have made progress that I didn't even think was possible.

I know the despair and anxiety that depression causes. I know how hard it is to even get out of bed in the morning when you feel overwhelmed with the blackness of depression.

I think that kindness is the most powerful force in the world. But no kindness is more powerful than the kindness we show ourselves. Without that, it is hard for us accept the kind acts and words of others. The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that you are going through a healing process with depression right now. Almost everyone deals with some kind of depression in their life. In one way, I think that it is what happens when perfectionism and self-criticism finally take their toll on someone. It's time to learn to love and accept yourself the way you are.

At least that is what has worked for me. I got down again over the holiday season. I was quite frustrated because I didn't know how to come out of it. Then I realized that I had been thinking of all the shoulds, the things I hadn't gotten done yet. I wasn't taking any joy in my life. I wasn't giving myself credit for anything. So I focused on all of the nice things I'd been doing for others for the holidays. I let myself be proud of myself. Right away I felt much happier.

Have you given yourself credit for getting a new job in the middle of being depressed? That is a huge accomplishment. So many people just lie in bed for weeks when they are depressed. Heck, there were some days when it was an accomplishment for me to just take a shower. You deserve so much credit for starting a new job in the middle of depression. You aren't drowning your painin alcohol or drugs. You are shielding yourself from destructive relationships like the friend who made you feel worse. You are seeking help on this board. You are reaching out to your mom for support. Give yourself credit for every step you take. The more credit you give yourself, the better you will feel.

I'm glad you have found us. I'm Scottish too! My maternal grandmother was a full blood Scot and I look exactly like her. With my pail skin I have to avoid the sun like mad!

We're here for you.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 4:42am
Thanks, Barb. Your advice and comforting words are helping me. I'm getting the Celexa that my doctor gave me a prescription for a while ago, but I have finally realised that no matter what I do, I can't fight this on my own and will just have to take it! I got no sleep last night and felt so panicky all night and even still now! I'm at work and luckily they don't monitor or have a policy on personal use of the internet and it's ok to use it, so that's one thing at least. I think I really just want the awful feelings to go now, even having the active suicidal thoughts back now, which make it even worse to deal with. Maybe the anxiety part of depression is genetic? I remember my mum telling me that my grandmother had always been a 'nervous' woman and I sort of remember some things where she was worried about things, but I guess I never really thought much about it at that time. She died when I was 20, so that was quite a while ago now. I will speak to you in chat later.

Maria,

Thank you for your words and taking the time to write me a long post. Really appreciated. About the skin thing, my mum and others think there is nothing wrong with my skin and it looks good, but I guess I've always (looking back) been worried about small things like small spots or marks, which I'm told most people don't focus on, must just be me! I notice small changes, my mum thinks, because I'm getting older and it's winter and I'm not well and have sinus too. I know I should try and not focus on it, but I just don't know how to. Maybe I should just take the Celexa even though I don't want to 'cause I just can't stand this anymore! If it helps the anxiety, compulsive worrying about one thing as well as the depression then it will be worth it!

Your story was really touching, about not having made mistakes getting married too young or ending up with an unhealthy relationship. I know that God must be looking out for me or something 'cause I have never ended up with any of these guys who were so wrong for me. I think I have also been analysing the unhealthy patterns of why I chose the men I chose (by the way, you could count them all on the fingers of one hand!). I know I need to learn to accept who I am now and I used to be confident, even though I still had worries, they were never overwhelming like they are now, even small things! Also, you were spot on with the 'getting older' and wanting to be the 'perfect woman' thing! I know I will never be perfect and no one is and I know there's a major gap between how I see myself and how things really are! Most people would think I have nothing to worry about or be depressed about and I know I am lucky, it just doesn't 'feel' that way though! I hope you're on chat later.

Yvonne

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