do happy families actually exist???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
do happy families actually exist???
4
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 9:23pm
i had something happen tonight that made me want to get the stress out, and now i feel badly for making others down along with me. i got a letter from the government that my dad had claimed me as a tax exemption and so did i, so i needed to refile or i am basically in trouble. without getting into too many details, my dad saved $3000 on his taxes by claiming he was giving me money for longer than he was. and now i am going to owe them like $500ish so that he could get that money he didnt deserve (or need). it was when i had just graduated and i was working my butt off to pay my rent and live on my own with my rich father never offering me a dime (and not giving me the new car that he had promised he would if i went to the school i didn't want to under the auspisous that he never said that). when i called to ask him about it, he basically called me stupid and said it was my fault and too bad for me- i needed to pay the money to the government and he didn't care. so... i talked to my mom and had an absolute venting session where i went off on how much i hated my dad and he was a horrible father when i was growing up and he is still doing things to negatively affect my life and show me how much he doesn't care about me. i didn't realize that her silence was more than listening- that she was getting upset. it was stuff she has heard many times and knows, but i made her upset and i feel so badly. plus, she is going to give me the money out of her pocket which i don;t want, but also can't rewally afford not to (my parents are married, but have seperate money for some stuff and i want my mom to feel independant and keep as much money as she makes). i also had called my boyfriend and left a message before all of this started to ask him for help because the letter said to ask a tax attorney and he is. well, i felt bad after i talked to him that i am always saying negative stuff to him and having problems and i didn't want him to think of me like that. so, now i feel even worse because i made my mom sad and my boyfriend had to listen to me complain about my horrible family (which i know guys are supposed to hate). so, all i have succeeded in is bringing everyone down with me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 9:51pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((vougegirl))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am soo sorry you are having problems with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:19am
Sweetie, your father was dishonest at your expense. Anyone would be livid. You reaction is a perfectly normal, healthy reaction to such a situation. I'm glad that your mom is going to pay you. But the bottom line is that you could report your father to the IRS and make him pay the $3000 plus interest. That would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do. You don't have to suffer just because your father is dishonest. So you can take the money from you mother if you want. But don't think she is doing you a favor. I understand that they have separate money on some things, but I'm sure that she gets tremendous benefit from his money as well.

Personally, I would be prone to just tell the IRS that your father is the one who made the mistake. Then he will be liable for the money, and it will the amount of money that he should have paid in the first place.

But I had a different relationship with my father than you have with yours. My dad would have easily done the same thing your dad did if he thought he could get away with it. He stole my life savings when I was 10 years old, all $400 of it. I didn't talk to him after I was eighteen.

To answer your question, I don't think that there are too many normal or happy families. All the ones I've seen who claim to be happy, are just in denial of their problems. The are usually far less happy than the ones who at least admit what the problems are.

Of course your mom is going to be upset when she hears that the man she's married to is a horrible father. Please don't feel guilty about that. I think that it's important for you to be able to let her know how her choice to marry him and stay with him has adversely affected your life. I gave my mom hell for staying with my scary, cruel, emotionally abusive dad for 21 years. She used to say that I blamed her for everything. I finally got her to apologize. Once she did, I felt like I didn't need to put it in her face anymore. I just needed her to admit that she had been complicit in causing this immense pain.

Your dad is treating you like you are powerless in this situation. You aren't. You have the power to tell the IRS that he is the one who made the incorrect claim on his taxes. And you have the records of you finances to back it up, if necessary. If you want to make a statement to him, you can do that. If you want to let him get away with it to keep the peace, you can do that too. But you should take the money from your mom if you do that. She's married to him, so I'm sure that she won't hurt for money.

Most important is for you to not blame yourself for feeling angry and needing to vent about this. You can thank your boyfriend for letting you vent. You can apologize to your mom for getting so upset with her. But still tell her that you meant what you said about your dad. It's healthy to be angry about being taken advantage of. If you hold it in, or beat yourself up for venting, then it can turn to depression. You have a right to be mad! No one who is healthy would fault you for that.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:44am



hey there sweetie.....

I am sorry to hear what your dad did to you with the IRS that is horrible how could he tell you tuogh doodoo after he is the one who lied about it to the IRS.

I know what is it like to havea crappy dad mine is right up there with yours but I dont know my dad dont want to know my dad but that is not what is important here you are awhat is important here.

your boyfriend sounds so great he counds like he really cares about you that he has a big heart and wants what is best for you and for you to be happy you are not bringing him down I dont think he will let you down either from the way you talk about him you may slip but you wont fall when he is with you.

As for your mom ya it must hurt her but I think that she understands where you are coming from sometimes it is hard to hear certain things maybe she agrees with you and that is why she is so sad about it I am sure she understand you and how you feel maybe she just doesnt know what to do or what to say when it comes to problems with you and your dad, I dont know maybe I am wrong.


Honey you didnt bring anyone down not at all, and yes I think somewhere out there a happy family exists and one day you will make one of your own,.

try to think of all the good things that you have in your life you are independent you are smart bright caring you have a good boyfriend who cares about you there are countless other things that you have to be happy about but the rest you have to find within yourself.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:42pm
trac, maria, erin,

i wanted to tell you guys that these were the best messages i have ever had and i am saving all of them! you guys really made me feel better. maria, i am sorry that your dad took your money. it doesn't matter how much it is, it is the act that counts. when i was 13, my grandmother died and left me an inheritance which disappeared conveniently into my father's hands and was never discussed again. after getting more perspective on the situation, i am going to let my mom pay the extra money on my side. i don't want to hurt her, and this is what she wants and it is ok with me. i do have a great boyfriend- erin i love what you said about slipping but never falling with him there. thank you guys for being there for me. it really means more than i can say.