Feeling SO blue...need to vent
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| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 12:49am |
I am going through the toughest time in my life and it's really taking its toll on me. I've been thinking about going to see someone. At work, they office free counseling sessions (I think 8, which is 2 mos.) so that's a start. You know that old saying...when it rains it pours? Well, it's raining in my life right now and it is really pouring!! I feel so weighed down by everything that I feel I'm going to crack or just collapse from it all.
First, the biggest stressor is my mom. She has cancer and is undergoing chemo. She can't do much for herself so I've been helping her out with grocery shopping and errands. I also take her to get her blood taken weekly and to her chemo appts. every Thursday. My brother helps too, but he's limited as he's ill too. My other 2 sisters live out of the state so they can't help. I have a family of my own and work full time so I don't have a lot of spare time. The emotional rollercoaster of watching a loved one suffer from cancer and chemo is enough to make anyone lose it. My marriage isn't terrible but it's not that great either but at least he's willing to go seek help. I have a daughter who lives on her own (she lives in a different state too) and a son (11 yrs old) who has ADHD, which is getting better but he has his days. It's been years of teachers calling me and writing me notes, changing medications, doctor appts...ugh!
The other MAJOR stressor is my job, which I believe has contributed to my health problems (IBS, high blood pressure, and asthma). I've been looking for another job for about 6 mos. now. I won't give up but it, too, is taking its toll. I have a boss (she's fairly new to the dept) who has insulted me and who is very gossipy and catty. She's in a clique at work (has many friends who work with her) and since I'm not part of that group she gives me a hard time. She doesn't like me yet she's always commenting on my looks and my figure. My record speaks for itself. I've never had any problems and all of my performance reviews have been excellent. I haven't had any complaints in the 7 yrs I've been with this company. I'm dedicated and hard-working. I've gone to the HR dept but they weren't much help and suggested I "move on." Amazingly, they are aware of her behavior but choose to ignore it. It seems that the people in her position at this company (director) don't get reprimanded. It's a shame but I can't change that or her. In the meantime, it is taking everything I have to continue to be pleasant and professional.
It seems like every aspect of my life has some sort of problem...everywhere I turn there's something to deal with and I'm losing my patience with "hanging in there." Have you ever been so fed up that even the little things start to irritate you? I don't even enjoy a lot of things I used to, although I force myself to do them...like reading or scrapbooking and listening to music. I feel these things will help lift my mood because I hate feeling low and like I want to pack a bag and run away somewhere without telling anyone. I think it's time I see someone. I don't ever remember feeling this low for so long. I can't go on like this. Thanks for listening!
Paula

(((((((((((((((((((((((Paula)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Welcome back.
I didn't read the other reply before I wrote this, so please bear with me if I repeat anything. I just wanted to have your message at the bottom.
Can you not go above this person's head? I mean, that is completely wrong for her to make those comments. Here in Candada we have a 1-800 number you can call, it's called the Better Business Bureau and you can report things like that, I believe. I have never actually called it, but there has to be something you can do!
I am sorry to hear of the rough times you are having. I am sending out well wishes for you mom, you and your family. Please give yourself a huge pat on the back for helping your mom through this rough time. That is something you will never regret sweetie!
Take care, I'll be thinking of you.
Pamela
As far as the women at work, I wish I could give you some good advice. I get easily irritated with people who are so obnoxious. It just grinds my nerves and just hearing about someone treating someone else the way she treats you just irritates me. I've just come to realize that some people are just idiots. Plain and simple and there isn't so much you can do about the fact she is the way she is. Maybe as the others said, go above her, if that isn't an option I guess I don't have any suggestions just to say that I feel for you. You are so much better than she is, its amazing she has friends.
The only thing that has helped me is to think that by letting other people affect me by treating me like crap...I'm giving them the power, only I can allow to give them that power. Its really really hard to overcome that and deal with that crap but I'm a very stubborn person and don't like to give that kind of power to anyone. You I am sure are overwhelmed with so much right now. There are times when it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is, although it may be hard to believe or hard to remember what it is like when things are good and happy.
I wish I could help but I hope seeing someone helps. After I started it made a HUGE difference. It didn't cure me but I got a glimpse of hope and it really helped me to hang in there and make it through the tough time.
It is very difficult dealing with people in positions of power who are unfair and mean. Does this make them feel good about their positions and the power they have over others? I know what you mean when you said I am better than she is. I have adopted that attitude and I haven't let it show one bit that she bothers me beyond words because people like her enjoy that. I've seen her in action with others who aren't a part of her group and she will do things purposely to get a negative reaction or to annoy and then will sit back and smirk or laugh when they're not around. What an ugly person! I'm not sure I want to waste my energy going above her and I must admit I don't feel comfortable doing it. I've made up my mind to leave but it's the waiting game that gets to me. Pursuing another job at this point in my life when things are so overwhelming seems to be the craziest thing I could do...but I don't have a choice. Besides, if I do land a better job it'll help me emotionally.
It's good to hear that your counseling helped you develop better coping skills. That is what I need....strength and better coping strategies. I think just taking the step to take care of myself in that way will help too.
How I yearn for times that are just good and happy. Is that a fantasy or is it just how you deal with life, the perception of the things that happen to you? I've had times like that in my life and it was great! One day I'll get it back, I'm sure.
Thank you and I hope you're doing well,
Paula
I know there is something I can do if I pursue it but I choose not to. I don't want to waste my energy going after her and I don't feel comfortable doing it. She's so sly she'd probably retaliate in a major way. I don't have the fight in me. I'm looking for another job but it's taking awhile. I have to be patient and know that one day I will be out of there.
I know I won't regret caring for my mom and I've always been the one to do for her. She relies on me and that makes me feel good because I feel it's the least I can do being she's suffering so. She fought breast cancer twice already so I know she'll get through this. As far as me, I need to seek some help and maybe that'll help me cope better.
Take care,
Paula
I know...there is very little time for me, although I do try to squeeze it in late at night after my son is in bed, but then I'm tired the next day. Being the caregiver has its rewards and drawbacks. At times, I feel no one cares about me or how I'm doing yet I'm running around doing and doing for everyone. Other times I feel wanted when I'm doing and doing. Lately, it's been more of me not enjoying it anymore. I know it's burn out and depression due to the overwhelming circumstances.
Work isn't going to change so I have to. The negative and positive reinforcement you mention is interesting. I'll try that. I think I do it without realizing it but it doesn't hurt to do it more often and see how it goes. Getting into a better job will be a large part of my recovering from this state I'm in. After all, I spend 40 hrs a week there. The mediation idea is a good one too. At this point, I'm not sure I want to pursue that or anything else. A part of me feels it would be a waste of time and I just don't have the energy. I've applied for another job that seems promising so I have to wait to hear from them to set up an interview. I took a test and passed, which was the first step.
Thanks again for listening and I will certainly come back for more shoulders to cry on.
Paula