need to vent possible triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
need to vent possible triggers
4
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:35am


Hey everyone.....

I hope you all had a nice weekend...

Well where should I begin how about Friday well on Friday night my car well something exploded in the engine area turned out to cost me only 25.00 to fix it since my ex did the work for me instead of taking it to a shop where I am sure it would have cost me 200.00 to fix so I have my car back at least I could not stop laughing when it happened if I didnt laugh then I would have broken down and I didnt want to do that so I looked a little crazy laughing at my car but it got me thru the whole mess.

What else well I feel like I am frozen stagnant like the world is passing me by almost like I am invisible no one can see me, when I am at home I am so sad all I do is come home from work excersize and lay in my bed I only leave my room to use the bathroom or to get some water I dont eat at home I dont converse at home I dont do anything at home...

I dont really speak with my sister anymore I feel as though she could care less about me that she cares more about Luis (my roommate whom she is sleeping with) she takes care of his dog does his laundry cooks him dinner and they arent even dating Luis told me just yesterday that they are just friends yet she takes care of everything for him, I dont want her to do my laundry or take care of my dog or cook for me I just want her to talk to me acknowledge my existance thats all..

My sister said to me one time that she doesnt talk to me because I am too negative well the only time she does talk to me is when I have done something wrong in her eyes and that is why it is always a negative conversation or she talks with me when Luis is gone for long periods of time, I want my sister to be happy she deserves to be happy I love my sister very much I just wish that she loved me back thats all.

I just feel so alone the only time I feel some what okay is when I am at work or with my friend Punam up in Springfield Mass, that is when I feel like someone actually cares about me that someone actually knows that I am alive still...For me it used to be about me being alone because I was not thin enough pretty enough whatever I know I am thin people tell me I am thin people tell me I am pretty I dont see what they see maybe they lie who knows I just feel so very much unloved right now alone dejected all of those things I try to get these thoughts out of my head but they just wont leave life just sucks for me right now..yet again another pity party for Erin....

I was talking to my friend Punam on the phone Friday night telling her about my car laughing having a great conversation, she told me that she talked to my friend Sareen after I left their house on thursday afternoon(Sareen is the one I have known my whole life whom is mean to me at times well most of the time) So punam has seen the way Sareen speaks to me the attitude she gets when she talks to me I drove up to Springfield to see the both of them Sareen made no time for me and Punam made all the time in the world for me so Puanm gets fed up with Sareens attitude towrds me and Puanm asks if Sareen hates me And Sareens reply is no so punam asks why she treats me the way she does and Sareens reply is I dont know, she doesnt know what kind of answer is that...So she goes on to say that it has only been recent that she has been this way towards me now she has acted this way towards me for a year now and I have put up with it for a year, I cant do it anymore Sareen needs to give me something some kind of understanding as to why she is this way towards me if she doesnt approach me to talk with her than I just have to give up move away from the friendship I dont think that there is anything left for me to do but to just walk away.

So here I am alone dejected feeling like crap lonlyness has to be the worst feeling in the world God what happened I was doing so well for 3 weeks I was okay and then it all just hit me I am so sad I am fighting back the tears right now I cant help it I want to be better I want to be happy I want to like being me but I just feel like that as long as I am where I am right now I never will be happy but I cant run away I know I need to face my demons before I can move away from them I just dont know what to do anymore.

I feel like everyone is talking about me that whenever I am not around people sy nasty things about me like my sister and luis talk about me say nasty things about me like the people at work talk about me I just feel like the world is against me that everyone is against me I just dont trust anyone, I know that I am no one special to have people talk about me but I just feel that everyone is talking these horrible nasty things about me and that sets me off I get mad at people for no reason I get mad because I assume they are talking about me what is wrong with me for gods sake I have no energy anymore maybe it will come back I dont know I am just hating life right now sorry ladies...

Thanks for letting me vent I appreciate it alot sorry this is so long

oh ya my friend Punam braught to my attention that I am always saying sorry for everything I do she said I must have said I am sorry about a million times when I was vuisiting her that she got agrivated with me and told me to stop saying I was sorry that I had nothing to be sorry about but I exist I think that is enough to be sorry for .

Thanks again.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:56am
(((Erin)))

Let's quit saying "I'm sorry" together, okay? I also have that same problem.

I agree, if your friend Sareen doesn't appreciate you, then you need to move on. I had to do that with my "best friend" and I am so much better off because of it. She is just making you doubt your worth, and you are a pretty full of worth (does that make sense?!) gal!

Take care sweetie

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:38pm

(((((((Erin))))))), remember last week you were writing about your highs and lows?

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:57pm
erin, i just finished writing a post thanking you for how much your words meant to me. i think that you are a very special, kind, smart person and that you have alot to offer the world. you sound like you are very sensitive (i am too) and i understand the sorry thing- i do it too. usually, i do it more when my confidence is down. i am proud of you for exercising even when you don't feel like doing anything else. that is an accomplishment! exercising will also help you with your chemicals making you feel better hopefully! your sister sounds like she has problems of her own. it sounds like she is taking out her anger and frustration on you and you don't deserve it. it really does seem like the problems lie with her, not with you. all you can do is be your sweet self, and hopefully she will take care of herself and eventually treat you with the respect that you deserve. i am glad to hear that you ave a good friend who makes you happy. as for the friend who doesn't, have you told her that you don't like the way she is treating you? i had a talk with a friend of mine over the summer who i felt like we had an unhealthy relationship. we ended up having months where we didn't talk, and now things are back to how they were before the bad stuff. if you are sitting sad right now and not wanting to do anything, do something little. clean your room or straighten your dresser or do your laundry. something to feel like you are accomplishing something. that is how i am feeling today and am going to o straighten up my apartment. i hope that you feel better soon and that something i have said can make you feel better as much as you made me feel better :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:28pm


First of all irisheyes1975 I'm sendind you a BIG HUG. I know what you you feel cause I have been thru exactly what you are going thru. I love this message Board cause I have learned a lot from you girls and also want to express all that I have learn. Irisheyes1975, I have been thru a lot in my life and have a battle with a bipolar condition also and let me tell you it hasn't been easy. But one thing I have learned and I think you should learn is that all you have said here is totally out of your hands. If someone doesn't want to speak with you and you know that you haven't done anything wrong to that person or even if you did, is that person who has the control over his or her actions, words, etc etc over you. I KNOW how it hurts to be ignored or to hear others speaking bad things about us. If that's happening. Evaluate the situation, never put your value when doing this cause it can hurt your self-esteem and this has nothing to do with your self-esteem. NOTHING CAN OR WILL HURT YOUR SELF_ESTEEM. If you come to the conclucion that you have done something wrong to a person let them know and try to fix whatever YOU think is wrong. But remember this is how YOU think not them. YOU HAVE TO BE YOU ALWAYS. If you think they are wrong then ignore them. What you think about you is what counts always. Never put your life and how valuable you are in others hands if you don't do something for you NOW no one else will. You have the power to change your mind. You have the power over your self-esteem.IF you have the power over these what else can you ask for?. I can guarantee you that if you do this little by little everyone around you will change their attitude towards you cause you will show the world that you really respect yourself.

First people will be questioning what has happened to you cause you will no longer be the person you use to be. But then you will attract more people arround you. Hope this could help!!((((((((((irisheyes1975))))))))).