Doing bad things again....
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Doing bad things again....
| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:35pm |
Hi its been a while since I’ve been on this board. I heave been so depressed lately. I was put on Lexapro and I don’t think its working plus I’m out so since two days ago I haven’t had any. I’ve been having really bad time these last couple of weeks despite having some good things happen (got a car for a graduation present). One point I cut myself again and I have prayed so much just to die. That sounds so horrible. I feel like I have no one. I want to call my friend and just talk but she doesn’t understand how bad it truly is and I’m embarrassed to tell her about the cutting and wishing I were dead. I also don’t want to lose her because I feel that all I do is complain. I put up a really good mask for people some people are amazed that I have blue moods let alone depression.
I graduate from college this up coming semester and will be moving away next fall for graduate school. I have lived at home for my entire life except for one semester I lived in the dorm. I constantly worry about everything such as paying for school, living expenses, car insurance, and even doing my taxes on my own. I’m also afraid that when I move away something will happen to my mom or my brother (I’m close to them) or even my dad. Right now I’ve been losing my temper with my brother and have some close to hitting him I’m just so frustrated. He’s a spoiled brat he’s eleven years younger than me (he is 10). My mom has really slacked off on him and he has become unbearable. For example, when my sister and I were younger my parents would make us sit at the table until we at least tried everything, my brother doesn’t even eat regular meals. He won’t eat what my mom makes him. He is also becoming very over weight. This is why I really want to move out.
I’m feeling hopeless and I don’t want to grow up. I have no money to buy prescriptions or go to a counselor, my insurance sucks. I just want to go away and never come back. And even when I do feel better I can’t stop realizing that I will be depressed again and there is nothing I can do about it. This isn't all thats bothering me but there is just to much.
I graduate from college this up coming semester and will be moving away next fall for graduate school. I have lived at home for my entire life except for one semester I lived in the dorm. I constantly worry about everything such as paying for school, living expenses, car insurance, and even doing my taxes on my own. I’m also afraid that when I move away something will happen to my mom or my brother (I’m close to them) or even my dad. Right now I’ve been losing my temper with my brother and have some close to hitting him I’m just so frustrated. He’s a spoiled brat he’s eleven years younger than me (he is 10). My mom has really slacked off on him and he has become unbearable. For example, when my sister and I were younger my parents would make us sit at the table until we at least tried everything, my brother doesn’t even eat regular meals. He won’t eat what my mom makes him. He is also becoming very over weight. This is why I really want to move out.
I’m feeling hopeless and I don’t want to grow up. I have no money to buy prescriptions or go to a counselor, my insurance sucks. I just want to go away and never come back. And even when I do feel better I can’t stop realizing that I will be depressed again and there is nothing I can do about it. This isn't all thats bothering me but there is just to much.
Jessica

I am sending you mega-hugs!! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
I am the youngest of three kids, and I know the rules changed alot from when my oldest sibling had to go through the same things. Try not to let it bother you, it isn't the fact that they feel any differently about you compared to your brother!
Everyone gets scared when they move away from home. You sound like you have great, understanding parents. I am sure that they will help your financially if you need it and they can afford it!
It is hard when your friends can relate to what you are going through. I had a girl, my best friend at the time, tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself. Needless to say, we are no longer friends.
Do you see a therapist or anything? You can always change your meds, sweetie. Sometimes you have to go through many different ones to find the right ones.
As for the cutting, I can relate. Well, sorta. I don't cut myself, but if I have a scar or a mosquito bite I will constantly pick at it until I rip off the scab. Sorry if that's a little graphic. For me it's almost relaxing to be able to feel SOMETHING.
Please feel free to email me if you want to chat, I am here for you!
serenitycouragewisdom@hotmail.com
Take care
Pamela
Jessica
I hope to hear from you soon via email. I know how it helps to talk with someone who understands depression.
((((((Jessica))))))
Pamela
Pamela
Jessica,
Sending you big hug hugs
I know what it is like to cut I am reminded of it each time I look at both my right and left arm since they are both scared up from my wrists to my elbows my right arm is far worse with the scars, it is hard to just stop doing it but I am very self distructive so I stoppped cutting and started with the diet pills again, so it is an on going battle but a battle that I will win.
where in the country do you live east west coast or the midwest?
the reason why I ask is because I know that there is health coverage thru the state where they fan get you health coverage and you dont pay for it the state takes care of it for you when I lived in Arizona I went on the states insurance when I found out I was pregnant because my job wasnt giving me health insurance yet and I needed the coverage to be able to take care of the baby before he was bown.
I hope that things get better for you in time they will just keep the faith.
Erin