Delurking - could be trigs
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Delurking - could be trigs
| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 5:02pm |
I've lurked here for years off and on. I don't ever remember seeing this board so busy! I guess I've chosen now to delurk because I need to vent or I'm scared and don't know who I can talk to. I'm 24 and have been dealing with depression for about 4 years now - off and on, of course. I've taken various different medications and am currently on Lexapro. I started that about a month ago and have been doing pretty well until today. I was at work today feeling absolutely overwhelmed with emails and phone calls and had no motivation at all (which has been going on for quite some time now). Suddenly, I get a forward from another HR person in our firm. He was just sending on some industry info. For some reason, that email pushed me over the edge! I just started to cry, felt extremely depressed, and had to leave work.
I don't know what is wrong with me. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry, I'm dreading having to pick up my 2 year old at 5:00. I'm guessing maybe I have held in emotions too much or too long. I've had a really stressful couple of years - got pregnant, graduated from college, had baby, got married, got a high paced job, seperated from hubby, bought a house, reunited with h, now seperated again (he's an alcoholic). I've obviously got my issues too and I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle where nothing gets better, I can't make changes to my life or myself due to not knowing how and constant fear. Fear of what? I don't know, but I think its failure, worries about what others will think, fear of not being able to make it, afraid I'm going to buckle or break down. I'm constantly confused and trying not to feel anything. If I can just focus on nothing, than I feel nothing - does that make sense?
I don't know what is wrong with me. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry, I'm dreading having to pick up my 2 year old at 5:00. I'm guessing maybe I have held in emotions too much or too long. I've had a really stressful couple of years - got pregnant, graduated from college, had baby, got married, got a high paced job, seperated from hubby, bought a house, reunited with h, now seperated again (he's an alcoholic). I've obviously got my issues too and I feel like I'm in a never ending cycle where nothing gets better, I can't make changes to my life or myself due to not knowing how and constant fear. Fear of what? I don't know, but I think its failure, worries about what others will think, fear of not being able to make it, afraid I'm going to buckle or break down. I'm constantly confused and trying not to feel anything. If I can just focus on nothing, than I feel nothing - does that make sense?
I probably should have just wrote all of this in my journal. But something drew me to write it hear.
Thanks for listening and happy to hear any advice.
J

I think you have some pretty good insight as to your feelings. Now you how to work on them! Do you see a therapist or anything? They sure can help deal with feelings of confusion etc.
My mom is a recovering alcoholic, she has been sober for 1.5 years. It is such a hard thing to deal with. They don't call it a family disease for nothing.
Take care
Pamela
The fear thing well it sounds just like me I am afriad of everything that has to do with my life I am not afraid of animals or other people I am afraid of life my life to be exact the whole change thing that you are talking about well I am the same way I want to better myself but afraid to do so and like you I dont know why.
I can understand the whole not focusing on anything so I dont have to feel anything also but we all have to feel that is part of what we are. think of it like this and I always say this but life is about learning it is a constant learning process and I think that you have learned alot you seperated from your hubby who drinks too much well that is a good thing weather you believe me or not you do not want your child growing up in that kind of an enviroment and you should not have to live in that kind of enviroment I know easier said than done but true.
I know that life can dish out alot of crap all at the same time and the smallest thing sets us over the edge we are human but try to be positive take each day as it passes try a little positive talk tell yourself one nice thing each morning maybe that will help you a little..
Good luck and feel better hun.
Erin
Welcome to the board!!
Im glad you didnt just write in your journal too!
*hugs
Welcome, ((((((J))))))!
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CL-ladybug987
Welcome to the world of the posters! I'm so glad that you made your presence known. You said that you are too afraid to make changes in your life, but it sounds like you life has been full of constant change. You've been through so many major life stressors in a very short period of life. Pregnancy, finishing college, getting a job, having a fast-paced job, having a baby, getting married, buying house, separating from your husband, trying to make it work, then separating again. Gosh, who wouldn't be on the edge? And you're only 24?!?! I'm 33 and I don't own a house, work from my home, and don't think I could ever handle having a child. I'm amazed at what you've been through.
I went through a very bad period in my life 8 years ago when I was 25. I separated from my husband, moved to a new city, tried to find a full time job, tried to find a decent place to live in one of the worst housing markets in the country, lived with an abusive relative, then had my dad die-- all in a 6 month period. I felt like I had gone over the edge. I too felt like I was just trying to handle anything and couldn't let any of the feelings out. I gained a bunch of weight trying to numb the pain out with food.
From what you say about holding the pain in, you could probably use the help of a therapist who could guide you through your feelings. You have enormous amount of responsibility, especially at such an early age. My best advice is to seek out a therapist. I'm sure that your company insurance will cover it.
Any one of the things you have been through is quite intense. Together they are too much for any one person to handle, especially on her own.
While you are getting on your feet again, you might consider seeking an antidepressant or even the herb SAM-e to help you get through the first few months. It can help level you so you can function.
I'm so glad you posted. I hope you will keep doing so. We are here for you as you go through this healing process.
All My Best,
MariaC
A lot of the things you guys said made sense. That the fear of change is part of growing up, that I've been through a lot lately, that I need a therapist! My work just started an EAP program, and I guess who better is there than someone in HR to try it out! :) I just hope that I can get to a point where I can not feel crazy, have some peace inside of me, find faith again and find hope. I hope one day I can live like a normal person without medication. I have the bad habit of letting it go and not taking it when I feel better. All that does is put me into a vicious up and down cycle. Up while I'm on it and then slide into the irritable and insane black hole when I stop. Then back on, then back off. This time, instead of going to a family physician or an OB/GYN for anti-depressants, I went to a Psychiatrist. That has been good so far because she makes me come back in every month to see how it is going. That gives me the push and the reminder that i have to keep taking it and can not let it go.
I think my depression stems from a lot of things, but if one believes in the possibility that it is hereditary, then that is the root of my issues. I have a Mom who got to the point of having to be in a hospital after trying to kill herself because she was so depressed. She is better now, but permanantely on anti-depressants. My sister is in the same boat. Ironically, although I have strong ties to others with depression, I don't ever feel like they really understand. That doesn't make sense and maybe it's just something within me. I don't know.
Although I hate that any of you have had to or are going through depression, I sure am glad you are here. It helps to know that there are people who really do understand. I hope maybe somehow I can be here for you too.
Thank You!
J
I can relate to the work issue - I started a new job yesterday and am at a very bad stage in my depression/anxiety and had to leave work early too! I feel bad 'cause I just started and don't want them to get the wrong idea of me - I can understand where you are coming from. You are taking meds, which I am going to have to start tomorrow after resisting taking them for so long!
I hope you will find the support that may help you.
Take care. Yvonne