looking for help - trigger?
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| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 5:15am |
I am now in the middle of a severe depression episode. I am witring this email on a fairly good day: no major crisis this morning. Mornings are usually the worst. I wake up with the darkest thoughts possible; can't get myself out of bed..ect...I think about suicide daily. Not as in any really concrete way about how I am going to go about it...but rather just 'thoughts' like noticing I am on th 5th floor of a building or noticing the tube of sleeping pills in my bathroom cabinet. Just 'noticing it', like a mental note, and a fleeting thought 'it would be so easy'. But then again, I don't really want to die. I think I am desperate for help so I am thinking of extreme things.
Things got really bad a couple days ago. My husband doesn't know how to deal with this at all, so he just shuts down completely. I feel like I am completely on my own and no one is able to give me advice, support, or tell me what to do. My mother, who knows what's going on, says she wishes she could help me but she just doesn't know what to do or say. She is also living in another country so all I can get from her is through the phone anyways.
Sorry if this is a bit patchy. I am not really composing this email, just writing as it comes.
Yesterday I got myself to one of the few only English speaking doctor in town (I live abroad for my work). He wasn't great to talk to but he did prescribe Paxil. But I am nervous about talking paxil (I don't really know why I am nervous). I had some recent 'left over' Welbutrin pills, so I started talking this again. took the first pill this morning.
During the consultation I asked this doctor: 'you know, I've been suffering from depression for 15 years, yet i have never been really checked medically: no hormonal profile, or what have you. Since there is 2 cases of hypothyroid in my family (an aunt and a cousin both on my mom's side) I would like to have that checked' So he said OK and I am supposed to get a blood test tomorrow. Part of me hopes that the test will show that I have hypothyroid and that would explain everything. I know I am hoping for a bit of a 'magical' bullet , in a way.
Don't know what I expect from writing this email. I don't any specific question to ask...but may be someone out there can share something, and relate...

I am glad that you found us! All of us can relate to some or all of your post.
I am on Paxil, and the only bad thing I can tell you is that it is extremely difficult to come off of. Not that it's addictive or anything, but it takes a long time because the discontinuation effects are NASTY!
I think it's good that you are getting some medical tests done.
Most people who have not dealt with depression cannot understand what we go through. They think that we are just feeling sorry for ourselves and to "snap out of it". That makes me so angry. I try to explain to them that they wouldn't tell someone with cancer to just get better.
Anyway, I hope to get to know you better.
Take care
Pamela
Welcome...
I want to start with what you wrote last about not knowing what you are expecting from the email you are writting well first off this writting thing helps out so much you have a chance to vent and not worry about things as you are writting second this is a great board very supportive and everyone has such great insight into things we each have our own experiances and we all bring alot to this place wait you will see.
I know what it is like to have those thoughts are like when you make notes of things like how high of a floor you live on or the pills for me it was counting tractor trailers how many seconds it took them to get to my car to see when I can jump in front so they car hit me but like you I do not want to die I think that it is okay to think but when it becomes an obsession that is when there is a huge problem, everyone depressed or not think about it, it is a noatural thing i guess but when it is the only thought that you have you need help fast at that point.
I am sorry to hear that you husband is having such a hard time understanding where you are right now people who dont know about depression or have never been around someone who suffers from it find it very hard to find the right owrds to say or sometimes they dont know how to act it is not just a scary thing for us but is is also scary for them, maybe if he went with you to the doctor or if he got some info off the net it may help im out a little bit.
So no meds have really helped I think that is the worse part of this whole thing finding something to make you feel a little better but you never know it may be the thyroid thing that you mentioned and maybe that is why the meds are not helping much get the blood work done see what happens.
I wish you much luck with the blood work and I hope that hubby stops shutting down on you and I hope you find your happiness.
Erin
Thanks for your response. Last night my husband and I were talking and I was trying (again) to explain to him that there IS a difference between depression and 'the blues'. I know life is made of ups and downs. But this isn't 'just a down'. This is something else that requires more that 'come on, shake it off'. I used your exact words: people would never say to someone with cancer to 'just shake it off'. Yet depression, just like cancer, is a biological/chemical disfunction of something inside.
How do you deal with husbands/partners who just don't understand and treat your depression as if it was nothing really? Don't you feel the resentment building up inside? For me this is causing a lot of additional strain in our marriage. And we don't nee more than we already have (cross-cultural marriage, not easy everyday!!)
Christine
I wanted to respond to two things. First, I have those thoughts too. I call them images. For example, if I see a telephone cord out of the corner of my eye, without wanting it an image will flash through my mind of me dead with the cord around my neck. It freaks me out many times and thankfully my meds (lexapro) have taken that away.
Second, in regards to your husband. I don't know how to explain it and can't give you much advice as I've never been really successful myself. But, I will tell you that my husband is from another culture and I have realized that that is part of the problem in him understanding. In the US, we are more aware of depression and more accepting and tolerant of anti-depressants. I've found that in his country it is not really considered a disease and anti-depressants are "the happy pill" that Americans just like to take instead of dealing with there problems. Therefore he didn't quite understand what I meant when I tried to explain it was not something I could think myself out of and that it went deeper than dealing with an issue here and an issue there. I don't know what country you are in or where your husband is from, but it might be a similar case. After a couple of years, I think my husband figured it out when I hit some lows and acted insane and said crazy things. Of course, that's a crappy way to get some understanding. Maybe you can direct him to some resources in his language that are reflective of his culture that explain the problem and treatment.
I hope this might help, or at least let you know there are others out there in a similar situation.
Best wishes,
J
Take care
Pamela