feeling like crap!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
feeling like crap!!!!!!!
7
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:32am



Hello Ladies,

I would like to ask you all to keep my Neice Hannah in your thoughts today, she is 4 years old and so awesome and beautiful she is in surgery right now getting a strawberry removed from he cheek it is minor surgery but I have major worries, she will be home by the time I get out of work she is at yale hospital in new haven CT I am waiting for my sister to call me to let me know everything is okay, thanks for your support.

I took barbs advice about keeping track on a calender about how many days I am down day 4 now, and today I am fighting back the tears since I got up this morning it has been that way I know half of it is because of my neice but the other half I dont know where it is comeing from, last night I just felt so sad kinda confused but I go to the pdoc in about 2 hours so I will talk to him and tomorrow it is the tdoc.

I am a little upset with my sister for not telling me exactly when my neice is going in for her operation I found out on my own and my sister never even asked me to go she asked Luis but not me her reason was she thought that I wouldnt want to miss work it is my neice for gods sake I have lived with this little girl since she was 3 months old of course I would take the day off, I am just so mad right now I am blood Luis is not I guess that just proves my point that to my sister I just dont exist anymore.

I am so sorry ladies, I was doing so well I hate feeling this way I have noticed that I have not gone out in so long I have not socialized in so long I am always so tired working out doesnt help at all even when I was at my worst stage I still worked out I am obsessed with it so I have to do it no matter how I feel it has never helped with the depression, but that is the only thing I have energy for I pretend to feel better but half the time I just want to break down and cry.

I miss my little boy so much I cant even call to talk to him becuase I am so sad that all I will do is cry, I want to be with him so bad I love and miss hime so much if I didnt have him I would have killed myself a long time ago but he is my light he is my life he has the swertest voice and the most beautiful eyes and a killer smile he is so handsome and loving and smart and kind he is so beautiful I have never been more in love with another human being in my life.

I sit sometimes and wonder how this all happened how I got this way why am I always so sad or acting out with anger or whatever emotion I feel at the time, why is it so hard to smile I used to have light in my eyes and it is gone dont know if it is gone forever or if it will come back. I wonder why I hate myself so much what happened to me to make me have such disgust for myself, I can not look at my body with out crying i will never be thin enough my goal was 90 pounds I came so close to reaching it 93 I think it was but nope could loose that 3 extra pounds now I am 105 and that feels like I dont know it feels like I am 500 pounds, my face god I hate my face I dont like my nose or my lips or my eyes actually the only thing that I like about me is my legs but that is only because I get compliments on the from people but if no one said anything then I know I wouldnt like them...

How did I begin to hate me so much I believe so much that I do not deserve to be happy that I deserve all the bad stuff that happens to me that I dont deserve to be loved.

I think that I am becoming paraniod I am always thnking that people are talking about me saying nasty things about me I am not saying that is the case but I fel that when I am not around people talk about me, am I loosing my mind or something?

I spoke to my friend Sareen yesterday the one who is nasty to me at times she never once spoke to me about why she is the way she is with me all I know is what I was told that she doesnt understand why she gets that way with me and that she doesnt hate me but I sure feel like she hates me.

I just feel so alone right now my family I am so distanced from them I dont really talk to anyone in my family I dont speak to my mom or my sister and that is really the extent of my family everyone else I am not close to my friends god I went from having a boat load of friends to having none and I wonder what happened to them where did they all go where did I go? I am just lost I guess I dont know what to say or do I dont like to open up about anything to anyone I find it so hard to talk about who I am and what I want.

Well ladies thank you for listening

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:42am
(((Erin)))

I am sending out good vibes and well wishes for you and your neice Hannah. That is a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl.

Maybe your sister thought you would get too upset? I know I would be really upset if my nephews were in surgery. Just a thought.

I wish you could see what an awesome person you are. I do know, however, how it is to really not like yourself. I am that way also. I guess I should take my own advice, hey?!

I wish I could offer you some great advice, but I don't really know what to say.

Just please know that I am thinking of you and care about you sweetie.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:58am
Erin,

Your neice is def. in my prayers and thoughts today! As are you!

Try and keep your chin up, hun!! We're all rooting for ya! The calendar idea is really great, isn't it? I might try that, I started a mood journal, in a coil notebook, but I can't seem to find anything to write about when I am having a good day.

Have a great day Erin, if you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me through my profile! I am a good listener!

Hugs

Heather

siggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:48pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ERIN}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Sweetie, I wish I could reach right through this computer and give you a real hug!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:11pm
Erin,

Your neice will be fine. The calendar is a good idea. I started keeping a journal, but never really thought about the calendar for mood swings. I can relate to not socialising in a long time, I am in the same boat. I was also doing well for a few days then right back down to the bottom again! I can also relate to the wondering what happened to me, how I have come so far from the person I once was. About your friend - it doesn't matter what she thinks or says! Only you matter! I have a friend who also doesn't understand and can be very strange at times so, although I have no other friends, I have distanced myself from her for my own sake because she just makes me feel worse. The only other person I have to talk to is my Mum. Are you in therapy? Meds? I am about to start taking Celexa 'cause I can't stand this anymore and can't fight it on my own. Take care of yourself.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 3:43pm

Hey, ((((((((Honey))))))))), I wish I could be there to give you a real hug.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 12:39am
i'm so sorry that you are sad! i'm sure by the time that i write this, your niece is out of surgery and doing just fine. i had a birthmark removed as a kid and although it was a little scary to be going in, i was totally fine and those around me thought it was no big deal. i am sure that your sister was thinking it was just a small thing and not worth you getting worried over and maybe that's why she didnt say anything. i know i have already said this, but it sounds like she is going through her own problems.

how tall are you? because there is no height that 105 is remotely fat and most heights it is way too skinny! and don't worry about the way you look, when we are sad we often don't think too highly of ourselves but that doens't mean we aren't great. i'm sure you are beautiful! speaking of beautiful, i don't know if i missed the post, but how was the makeup and outfit?

many of my friends are models and they are always feeling fat and ugly. isn't that funny? i think that should show people that everyone has those feelings, even when others pay you to work based on your looks. if you look hard enough, you can find anything wrong. but if you look in the mirror and look for the beauty, you will find it. take a bubble bath, put on your favorite scent and your favorite outfit tomorrow and do your hair and makeup. even if the only place you are going is the grocery store, you will feel pretty!

lastly, don't try so hard not to cry. cry! let it out. it will make you feel better. it is very cleansing! feel better friend. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 11:21am
HI MY NAME IS LAURA AND I JUST FOUND THIS CHAT. I CAN RELATE TO HOW YOU ARE FEELING. I GO THROUGH THE SAME CRAP. IVE BEEN DEORESSED FOR YEARS AND I TOO HAVE A 6 YEAR OLD GIRL, AND SHES THE ONLY RESON I WANT TO BE IN THIS EARTH. ANTDEPRESSENTS DONT HELP(CANT TAKE THE SIDE EFFECTS) BOY I FELT LIKE THAT WAS ME WRITING YOUR MESSAGE. i HOPE WE CAN GET TOGETHER AND CHAT PLEASE , I THINK WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER REMEMBER YOUR NOT ALONE IM FEEKING LIKE YOU LETS VENT OUT WHATS GOING ON AND WHY WITH US PLEASE WRITE ME ANYTIME.

I WISH YOU WELL AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON

LAURA

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