sabotaging my relationship...
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sabotaging my relationship...
| Tue, 01-06-2004 - 3:51pm |
i just started dating this great guy..its been over 3 mos now..and we are crazy about one another. i just recently though totally overracted to something minor, gave him grief about it..and he's really blown back by my crying and drama over something little. this is about the time when i normally tend to sabotage my relationships--im on medication for depression - my mother died when i was young. i suffer alot of grief during relationships and want help /advice to help save this one..instead of ruin it. does anyone out there - have u ever felt this way??

Have you thought that maybe you sabotage relationships because you know the pain of losing someone close to you? I mean, you lost your mom. Maybe sub-consciously you ruin relationships so you won't have to feel the hurt if they are taken away from you? Just something to think about.
Take care
Pamela
With my ex-husband I went through a very emotional couple of months where I did everything I could to push him away from me. Though later I tried my best to heal the relationship, it was damaged beyond repair. Part of that was because my husband refused to get therapy to work things out.
I think that it's very possible to sabotage and destroy a good relationship. It's up to you to change your pattern of past behavior. Are you in therapy? Therapy can help you with this pattern.
I finally learned something that helped me to get closer to people rather than push them away. I learned it from a book called "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.
The key is to catch yourself before you start blasting the other person. It's about learning to stop yourself and not attack. Instead, look at what you are really feeling. It is usually fear. To have a close, healthy relationship you need to learn to be open about what you are really feeling.
You never have a right to blast someone else, no matter what has happened. The moment you yell at someone, they stop listening.
If you want to have a good relationship, it requires doing everything you can to relate in a healthier way. That probably means therapy, reading some books on communication, and taking the risk to be vulnerable when you really what to put up your defenses.
It has helped me to finally have a close relationship for the first time in my life. I'm closer to my mom now than I ever was before. It can be very tough to change those habits after spending your life reacting in a certain way. Part of healing is starting to take control of your own behavior.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
MariaC
Trix
that said, when you think that i think it helps at first and then you have to be able to laugh at yourself. sometimes i feel myself getting bad-girlfriendy (clingy, whiny, basically the height of girliness) and if i acted weird, either then or as soon as i realize, i call ,myself on it to my boyfriend and we are just honest about i don't feel like i did something terrible. i have had multiple times where i look at the way i acted and think i wouldn't have wanted to date myself. but when i am able to laugh at myself and say "wow, that was a depression moment/night" or "see how girly i can be?" and just make it not a big deal then it isn't.
if you really like this guy, think about that. enjoy the time you have with him. if there is something that is making you overreact to things and cry, think about the role he plays. are you nervous that you are getting close to him? i do that, and you have to remind yourself that you are conflicting yourself by pushing him away because you are scared he would leave.
don't feel bad about it, just talk to him. be open about your past. he may be more understanding than you realize. and if you have already told him, tell him when things are getting dredged up. he may be able to help.
one last random thought, turn the bad thing around if you can. i find that every time something has been wrong with me and i have asked my boyfriend for help, it has brought us closer and showed me what a great guy he is (by the way we have only been dating for a couple months more than you). like i was feeling like i needed support and he didn't know so i was getting upset with him for not guessing and helping. but when i told him that sometimes i need a hug from him, he was totally surprised that it would make me feel better to get a hug from him and just feel loved for a minute. i have made this long enough, so i will stop writing now and hope something i have said can help!