update on me (got long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
update on me (got long)
1
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 12:06am
Me, me, me...I fell selfish posting about me, but it sure helps to unload so I thank y'all for listening.

Upon your suggestions to call my EAP I finally worked up the courage and called today. They didn't really talk to me or anything, but the lady got me an apointment with a counselor on Tuesday which I am thankful for because I never would have done it for myself. I don't know if it's pride or fear, but I sure do have a hard time talking myself into therapy. Pretty sad for someone with a psychology degree! Hey that reminds me of something funny. When I interviewed for the job I have know. The HR Director asked me why I had a degree in Psych because everyone who studies that is just trying to figure out what is wrong with them! I couldn't believe he asked me that, but dangit, maybe he was right.

Anyway, I'm in a little bit of a better mood right now than I have been. I didn't make it to work yesterday or today, but I went to an information session on becoming a bilingual teacher tonight. My Mom called me and woke me up and motivated me to go. I'm glad I did because it is a step closer to reaching a goal and it gave me something to get a little excited about. Of course now that I'm home I start thinking about my husband, my current job, my mess of a life and the spiraling downward begins. I want to try to go to work tomorrow, but I'm afraid of how my boss and coworkers will treat me (for calling in depressed) and I don't know if I can make it without crying every 1/2 hour. And concentration! If I can't do anything because I can't concentrate, well, then I just feel bad and think that I should take the day off because I'm worthless anyway, not doing anything and they shouldn't be paying me for nothing.

Then when I feel like a nut, I think I shouldn't even try to be a teacher! But I did see a woman at the session that I have not seen in about 7 years. I used to babysit her two little girls and when she saw me she started to cry and said it was from joy. Her girls are older now and they still remember me and talk about me. They cherish the Goodnight Moon book I gave them. They made me feel better, I think. Maybe I can do some good things for kids. And I am bilingual which is something in very high demand in Texas right now. But then I doubt my Spanish skills. So I went to an internet site and took a practice test for Spanish teacher certification and it was easy, so maybe I shouldn't doubt myself. AAAAAHHHHH! It's never ending.

I still don't understand why I feel this way when I've been doing very well on my medications. The crying is killing me! I never know what stupid thing is going to trigger it. This morning I had a big cry because when I got Liam to his daycare, he cried and didn't want to stay as usual. I asked his teacher if all the 2 year olds did this and she said no, just him. Well, I didn't think that was going to be the answer! I was a bit upset - I just left and started to cry. Maybe it's me, maybe it's the seperation and the tension and his father coming and going, maybe it's the two languages, I don't know. But I sure feel bad about it. He is such a sweet boy and I want him to be OK, but if we get divorced it will be so hard on him.

Another thing that makes me feel nuts is that I almost feel justified in feeling down and depressed. The times I have hit pretty low in the past, it was really for no reason - I just went down hill and couldn't get out of bed or do anything and there was no apparent reason. This time, I'm just beat and worn out and feel like the life has been sucked out of me by my life and the situations and people around me. I feel like if I were my own friend, I would say - crap, I'm surprised it took you this long to get fed up! Then I feel guilty for feeling justified, try to pull myself out of it, then spiral down and the cycle begins again. What the hey! I can't even think right!

I have to stop. This got way to long and I am just free writing everything that comes to my mind.

Thanks agian,

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:15am

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((J)))))))))))))))))))))


When those of us who give and give till we can't give anymore start to lose it, we tend to do so with a big bang.