Depressed for as long as I can remember

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Depressed for as long as I can remember
5
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 12:57pm
I have suffered from depression on and off since I was about 14 years old. Does this feeling ever go away permanently?

It's the weekend and all I have the motivation to do is sit at home with my daughter and watch TV and surf the net to find people who feel as miserable as I do so I don't feel so alone and abnormal. Hubby is at his reserve drill this weekend, not that his presence at home would help much but it would be a little bit of a distraction.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I'm in my late 20's and I decided to go back to college to get a degree. I'm going to be graduating in May and the thought really terrifies and depresses me. Thinking about going back into the work world to a dreary office, doing stupid paperwork is just so depressing. I wish I could find something meaningful in my life to do. I was watching this thing on cable about celebrity perks and I can't help but think how lucky they are - to have such interesting lives and be able to just go all over the place and do interesting things, unlike me who must sit here in this dreary apartment with nothing to do. I think about getting dressed and going out and about and it sounds so uninteresting and boring - going and looking around and a bunch of things that I can't afford or really have no interest in right now.

Gee, how exciting am I? Sorry for being so depressing but I just feel incredibly lost - I suppose it is one of those meaning of life things - big hole in my life that I can't fill. Don't they always say God can fill that hole? Maybe I should give church a try and see if that will fill my aching chest - doubtful.

~kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 3:54pm
you're not alone kat definatly. i think we're both doing the same thing trying to find someone else who is feeling this terrible too. i keep searchign but i can't find what i'm looking for (whatever that is)

what are you going to school for? because you're graduating doesn't mean you are going to have to be sitting in a tiny office all day, now is the time where you have so many opportunities and you get to decide where to go next in your life.

hang in there, and maybe try going to church. i find that when i go to church while it does not "heal" me, it gives me a little help in saying i can get through this.

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 11:47pm
Hi Kat and Mel

I don't recall "seeing" either of you here before, so welcome!!

What are you doing to school for Kat? Mel is right, you will have way more possibilities than you think.

Are you on any anti-depressant medications? Do you see a therapist or anything. Both of these are a huge help in the battle against depression.

Take care sweetie

Pamela

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 12:15am
Thanks for your replies, mel and pamela.

And you're right, I haven't posted here before - just too afraid to, I guess.

I am going to have a BS in business administration. Gee, how exciting. I remember working in an office before and thinking about that is not thrilling me at all. I kind of got "stuck" with this degree - what I truly want is a degree in psychology or microbiology. I've always been interested in that stuff because they seem so interesting, things that are worthwhile.

Way back when, during the time I was first fighting depression I was on an antidepressant. It was so long ago that I cannot remember if it worked but I have thought about asking my dr. if I can get put on something again. I'm so tired of constantly fighting depression. I've noticed that it really creeps up when major changes are imminent - it's like my response to change, to go into a depression that causes me to not want to do anything or go anywhere. It is such a battle. I'm kind of afraid to take medicine, though - I guess because I'd feel like such a loon having to take medicine becaues I can't control my emotions or be "normal".

I go through these phases atleast two to three times a year, though, sometimes way more. It's like I start thinking too much and I work my way into a depression that at times keeps me housebound and it is a real chore to get up the courage to do anything or go anywhere. I feel so not normal. I posted here just wondering if other people feel how I do, if I'm the only one stuck in my rut - you hear about how you're not the only one but you can never quite believe that. I've read many of the posts here and it seems like most everyone has a good reason to be depressed - bad work environment, lost jobs, scraping by, bad relationships - But for me, it's like I'm just battling myself and my own brain.

I want to go to church so bad tomorrow just to see if that will help or give me any hope but I'm too afraid to b/c it will be just me with my two year old and I don't know if the church I want to attend has a daycare or would accept my daughter without me being a member. So I won't go because as much as I'd like to think I'm independent, I'm just a coward at heart.

Hopefully I will begin seeing a counselor within these next couple of weeks. I'll find out if they can see me or not and perhaps they can help me for a little while.

~Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 12:47am

Welcome, (((((((Kat)))))))!

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 9:44am

Hi there!


Sorry I missed welcoming you earlier!

*hugs