New here (long sorry).....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
New here (long sorry).....
8
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 5:31pm
Hello ladies - I am new here, but not to PS or Ivillage. I have finally decided that I truly need help from those who will understand how I am feeling. I have been suffering from depression for about 3 1/2 yrs now. It started when I found out my dh was having a long term affair. I was clueless to the whole thing and his affair was 1 yr emotional and then 18 months physical when I found out. I was also two months pregnant with our seventh child at the time, and my dh fence sat for nine months. It was during those nine months that life went from bad to worse because instead of him just admitting he made a mistake and wanted to fix the marriage he would tell me those things and then at night walk out of our house saying he was going to work and was instead in her arms and bed.

At the beginning when he said he wanted to work on things we agreed to go to counseling. At the time the counselor wanted to work on me as she felt I had the biggest issues. I felt otherwise because I felt I wouldn't have had so many issues if dh would have stopped cheating. She told me that she believed I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I thought she was insane. PTSD was for someone who fought in a war or dealt with something traumatic - not someone who found out her dh was having an affair. I ended our sessions and went on with my life for nine more months until I quite the marriage. It was then that my dh came back to me and decided to fight to save the marriage. I thought all would be well when he came back, but I continued struggling.

Dh thought it would be a good idea for us to renew our wedding vows in a romantic ceremony in Hawaii. It gave me something to look forward to and helped a little bit, but when we came home from that vacation I crashed severely. It was then that the depression kicked my butt so bad that I actually started to plan my end. It was then that I started trying to wean my 9 month old dd because she wouldn't take a bottle so I knew she needed me. My mother finally saw the signs and my darling daughter wouldn't wean (thank GOD!!!) My mom made me call my doctor who ignored me. I then went to see my OB/GYN who then contacted my doctor and told him this was serious. They started me on medication and that helped some, but I didn't like the side effects so I switched until I was on Wellbutrin and that helped some. I did really well for a long time - I would go days and then have a crying meltdown, but never not once forgetting what my dh did. Every morning I would wake up, walk to my bathroom, get in the shower and before that shower was over I would think about what he had done, things he said, and often times had images of them together. I accepted that as part of my life. Then in May of this year I was taken off of the med - my complete meltdowns were only happening once a month and strangely enough it was the day before my period came. For that day I HATED my dh more than anyone could imagine. I didn't want to even look at him, but he accepted that and I stopped the meds.

Fast forward to last month - the depressed/sad feeling started coming more and more. The nightmares of them together once again started and my world was spiraling out of control. I told my dh, but just like before he would say that I was so in control because I got up every morning, did homework (I am working on my master's degree), would care for my kids, do my job, take care of the house. He kept saying "but you can't be depressed because you manage to do everything that needs to be done." That is true I do everything that needs to be done because keeping busy - VERY busy is the only thing that helps me. When I have nothing to do, time to watch t.v. or rest I lose my mind. I went to see the doctor who put me on Wellbutrin again, but I am still feeling so low. I cry easily, still have the nightmares and just want all of this to end (I don't mean suicide I mean how I feel). I want to go back to the person I was before his affair. I was happy, I homeschooled my kids, I baked, I loved cooking/trying new recipes, I was a vegetarian, and most importantly I believed that my life was good and that my husband loved me. I have none of those things now!!!! Instead I have gone from someone who was dependent on her dh, focused only on her family to someone who strives to be as independent as possible, to someone who is so fixated on making money and an income that it isn't funny - heck I work two jobs (both from my home so that I won't sacrifice my kids in the process of being independent).

I have seven really great kids that I love very much!!! I have a husband who wants to work past this and wants to help me, but doesn't understand that what he did has changed me forever. I am sick of being sad. I am sick of getting up every single morning and stepping into the shower only to cry and have frantic thoughts swirling through my head. I am sick of feeling insane, of being paranoid, of not trusting. I am sick of not being able to fully give myself to my husband both physically and emotionally. I am also tired, and sick of the drive to keep going. I want to sit down and watch t.v. for once instead of running and running just so I can stop the images and thoughts from entering my head.

Sorry this is so long. I hope that some of you can offer words of wisdom and support as no one in my life understands. They just keep telling me to pick myself up by the bootstraps and go on.

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 5:50pm
Welcome to the board sweetie!!

I am 25 and have dated only one guy; for about 10 or so years. I grew up in a loveless home, and this guy's love was the only love that I had ever known. He cheated on me and I have never experienced pain like that. It is different than the death of someone, which I have also experienced.

I can't imagine how it feels to have your husband cheat on you. But I can relate a little. I know what you mean about thinking of him with her all the time. I know what it's like to have every intention of having a good day and the images just keep popping into your head.

I am glad that you aren't feeling suicidal anymore. I also have felt the way you feel; just wanting to relax and let your mind do nothing and not have to worry about the intruding thoughts. I can't do one thing at once; if I am watching tv I have to be eating sunflower seeds or doing Fill it in puzzles. I think we are just scared of the stuff in our heads.

Are you still in Wellbutrin? Do you see a therapists or anything? I think it might be a great idea for you to see one. A therapist will really help.

Your husband sounds like every other person who doesn't understand depression. They don't realize that we wear "the mask" to hide things. The people I work with say to me all the time that they can't believe I have depression (I am open about it) and I just smile. Obviously nobody there has had to deal with it.

Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you better.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 5:56pm
Thanks for writing Pamela (and I am so sorry you had to live through infidelity too). My dh was my high school sweetheart. As of right now we have been together for 18 years and we are 34 yrs old. It has been a long journey, but one I never thought would turn out like this.

As of right now I am back on Wellbutrin for about three weeks. I go to see my doctor in two weeks and will be discussing this all with him more.

You are so right about the images that never stop. I just want it all to go away, but don't know how to make it. I know my doctor mentioned anti anxiety medication so I might try that. Just so sick of feeling this way.

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 6:09pm
No problem sweetie. So your Wellbutrin should kick in pretty soon, and that will be good.

I think there is a infidelity board here on IVillage, have you checked that out?

You must be a super woman, you have seven kids? Wow. Great job, dealing with depression, working on your masters degree, running home day care, and you have a dh and kids? I can't even take care of myself! lol

Can I ask what a labour doula is??

Pamela





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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 8:02pm
Pamela - yes I know about the infidelity board (I am the cl over there LOL).

A labor doula is a labor support person who supports the woman and her family in achieving the type of birth that they want. A doula provides emotional, physical and informational support. Basically I get to know the mother (and partner/family if they are involved) and find out her wishes and then I help her to achieve a birth as close to what she wants as possible. For some this might mean having an unmedicated birth, for others they just want the comfort of knowing someone will be with them the entire time. I am with the mother from the early part of her labor on through the delivery and a few hours afterwards. I help with comfort techniques, and in any other way that the mother/family needs assistance. I do NOTHING medical, so I don't do exams or delivery babies. I am just a support person who is there to help out.

As of right now the people I have been focusing my energy on are teen mothers - most of whom do not have partners or family that are involved. They are usually low income and therefore cannot afford to pay for the services of a doula, so I volunteer (that can be good and it can be bad :o) Not being paid when my regular fee is $450 per birth is a lot of money that I am losing but it is rewarding knowing that I am helping someone who truly cannot afford the service.

As for all that I do - seriously if I didn't keep busy I would go insane, and it really is hard for my dh to understand that I am truly depressed because he sees me accomplishing so much. Even tonight we went to the grocery store and on the drive back we started talking about how I have been feeling, and he doesn't understand that I am really struggling. He said he can see that I am "different and more withdrawn" but other than that he doesn't understand that I function really well if I have lots to do.

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 9:00pm
Oh so I guess you know about the board then *blushing*. lol

I can't believe how much you do! You are so amazing.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 9:09am

Welcome!! Greetings

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 9:23am
Thanks for the welcome Caly, but the truth is I don't feel like a strong woman!!! After another night of very little sleep I feel tired and even more worn out. I almost can't wait until I see my doctor again because I am sick of the panic attacks I am getting, the nightmares I keep having, and the thoughts that never stop. I truly hope that somewhere along the way we can find medication that will help. I have seven really great kids and I want to be the mother that I once was to them. The truth is I try and try hard, and I am a really good mother, but just not the same mother. I want to go back to being the Martha Stuart. Heck before all of this my friends used to tease me and call me Suzy Homemaker!!!

Oh well, perhaps I should just accept the fact that the old me is gone and the new me is here to stay!!!

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 9:58am

But whose to say that the NEW YOU wont and cant be even Better?


*hugs