Depressed, in love, and confused...
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| Sun, 01-11-2004 - 12:44am |
This is my first time posting on iVillage, and I am very excited about it. Anyway, today, my post is about the fact that I have been depressed since I was a young child, and I am now 32 and I have been in therapy for it for about 8 months now. I recently had a breakdown of sorts, and I am now looking into getting admitted into a partial hospitalization program at a really nice place here in Atlanta. I went on Friday, and I am waiting to hear back from my insurance company about money, etc. So everyone please pray that things go ok with that and that my job will allow me to take a leave of absence without much difficulty.
Ok, so here is the point of my post. As I have said before, I am suffering from depression and it has now gotten to the point to where this disease has just about totally taken over my life. I am at the point now where I am constantly second-guessing myself, paranoid, and have great feelings of shame and anxiety.
There is a nice man who I have been friends with for about 3 years now, and we are very close. I am in love with him, but he isn't with me. What's really jacked-up about the situation is that we work together. Plus I feel like we have this very strong unspoken bond and chemistry that is amazing. People we know have said many times that we have a precious relationship and that we have a chemistry that is amazing. The reason why I think he isn't in love with me is because of my appearance. I am overweight, and very self-conscious about my body. He isn't a shallow person inherently, and he has never told me any of this out right, but I just feel it. He once told me that "the spark isn't there." But when we are together, we click really, really well.
Logically, I know that if a man doesn't love me for who I am, then I he isn't worth worrying about, but this situation is a lot more complicated than just what's on the surface, and you all know that Love is anything *but* logicall. I ache because I see so much potential in our relationship, plus I am soooooo attracted to him for so many reasons. Not just physical. Also, he is very compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, hilarious and creative. He is also a little shy (as opposed to me being a total extrovert), which makes him even cuter! Don't get me wrong...he isn't perfect by any means. He can be a stubborn, semi-sexist, idealistic jerk! However, I am hurting because my love for him is unrequited, and now that I have had this episode where I had my breakdown, I am afraid that he will no longer want anything to do with me because I am always having "drama." Again, he hasn't said anything to me like this, but I can't help but feel it. I just know that recently things between he and I have been a little strained, and I think that it's my fault. I just know that he is the best man I have ever met, and the closest friend I have ever had. I am afraid that I have become too dependent on him, and it's driving him away from me. I want to tell him about my thoughts and fears, but I am afraid of what he will say. Oh, did I mention that I also have huge abandonment & trust issues...especially with MEN? LOL!
I am in a constant state of confusion now and I don't know what to think anymore about the people in my life (who I care about the most)and how they feel about me.
What do you think, Ladies? I am at a huge turning point in my life, and I am scared. Very scared because I no longer feel like I am in control of my future.
Words of advice and enouragement are most welcomed and appreciated. Also, feel free to e-mail me too! I don't always go to websites when I'm online, I sometimes just have time to check/reply to mail. If you do e-mail me, please put something in the subject line about iVillage. I get tons of spam, no matter how hard I try to filter it all.
Thanks! :)
-Crystal
p.s.--And in case some of you are wondering, no, he is *not* gay! Someone saked me that before, and yes, I am sure!

*hugs
Welcome to the board sweetie.
I agree with Caly. Although it is SOOOOOO hard, I think you have to just realize that he might not be "the one". I know, I know, it's easy for me to say that. Trust me sweetie, I have been in a similar situation and it SUCKS big time.
I just wanted to welcome you and send you some hugs.
Take care
Pamela
love can hurt so badly. i have definitely been there. all you can do is take things one day at a time, appreciate what you do have with this guy, and enjoy him for what he CAN give you. a great friendship can be much more precious than a relationship that can end in a breakup and no friendship at all. whatever his problem, don't make it yours. there will be plenty of other guys who are jumping at the chance to date you. just remember to take care of yourself (as i know you are doing by seeking treatment) and things will fall into place in a way that makes you happy.