New and miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
New and miserable
19
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:52am
Hello everyone....I post occasionally on another ivillage board, but never here. I just don't know what else to do.

I hate my life. My job is horrible, and I can't find another, no matter how hard I try. It makes my self-esteem zero, it's like I'm worthless because my job tells me I am. I ruined things with the only man I've ever cared about. He was my only local friend, and he's gone. My nearest relative is 1000 miles away. My friends don't seem to want anything to do with me. I am so depressed I can barely function. I know all those things seem so easy to change, but I don't have the energy to change any of it...and believe me, I've tried.

The obvious solution is that I need help...I know I do. I'm a pilot, though, and if I get help, I'd have to stop flying. And flying is the only thing that makes me happy, that makes me normal. I can't lose that.

I don't know what I'm asking...but it wasn't that long ago that I was so happy, and I hate feeling like this.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 6:14pm

(((((((((April)))))))))), do you have a copy of the employee handbook for your company?

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 6:33pm
I don't get a normal physical (bad, I know) but I do get a FAA exam every year...they do test for blood sugar and nothing has come up.

I have a 800 number for our EAP, but I don't know what to do once I call it. I've never been this low before....I just don't know what to do. They have a website, too, that I've poked around, but all it's done is convince me that I need to talk to someone, and nothing is going to get better if I keep isolating myself like this.

As far as my supervisor not needing to know why I need the number...he knows I am horribly unhappy (he's the man I mentioned in my first post). He knows most of my life's story (we *were* good friends), and could probably guess why I'd need it. He really doesn't need to know that it's this bad, especially because some of it has to do with him.

Thank you for replying to me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 6:43pm
Hey sweetie....

I'm sorry to hear about all the misfortunes you're dealing with. I know how hard it is to deal with low self esteem, and feeling disgusting with yourself all the time. All the girls here know. That's why this board is such a great resource. We're here to help you through the good times, and the bad times.

As far as your job goes...well, sometimes corporate america, or even other places (I'm a teacher, I know how it feels to be shafted and worthless too), doesn't apprieciate the small things that you do for them. Quite honestly it's their loss. Why not start looking for something that would make you more happy. I know the job market isn't so hot right now, but, keep your eyes open, and mabye something more suited for your needs is going to come along soon!

As far as not having any close friends, well, why not join some sport and social club? I live in Chicago, and I know Chicago has a sport and social club. I like to play sports, and hang out, and they have a TON of events. Not sure how old you are, but it's geared towards people in their mid-20's to their mid-30's. I have fun, and I'm sure you would too. If not, try match.com...they have a new feature of looking for "friends." Maybe that could help. If not, please know that we're always here for ya!

Hope this helped, and hang in there sweetie!

Trixie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 8:49pm
Hello april. I haven't been getting in here as much as I like to lately, but it's nice to be here now and meet you.

I must admit that I did not read all 14 responses to your post...way too many for someone with ADHD...lol. So at the risk of repeating someone elses reply...here goes.

I agree with your post. Once you go to a therapist and it is covered on your insurance, it will ride with you for the rest of your life. Most larger insurance companies are connected and what one knows....they all know. I understand the stigma it will have on your career choices. My profession, which is suppose to be non-judgemental, also sees this as a stigma for its practitioners. So, would you be comfortable with covering any therapy expenses on your own....not through insurance? There are many new behavioral and cognative therapies now available without being treated chemically.

Also, you might want to get a complete check up with your doctor, to make sure this is not a "normal" response to something physically abnormal. So often, depression can accompany physical conditions such as hypothyroidism or other hormone imbalances, even arthritis or reactive hypoglycemia, just to name a few. There are many more. So before you label yourself "depressed", which I'm glad you are not doing, check for a physical problem first.

As for your job...keep looking if you are not satisfied with where you are. A person once told me, "it's easier to find a job, when you have a job". I have found that true. You are aware of the job "causing" the low self-esteem. That's good. You can look at it in a true light, that you "normally" do not have low self-esteem. Do you think maybe you might be obsessing a little and thus feeling overwhelmed? I say that because you mentioned that "I know all those things seem so easy to change, but I don't have the energy to change any of it...and believe me, I've tried". I know that when I try TOO hard, it is usually because I am trying to make it happen too fast, and trying to control people, or events outside of my control. The physical conditions I mentioned before along with many others can also cause fatigue. Also lack of good sleep can contribute to feelings of depression and lack of energy.

I think someone mentioned taking "baby steps" in one of their responses to you.

You might want to set yourself a few obtainable goals to start out with, such as fill out 3 job applications a week. Walk for 20 minutes at the community center (or equivalent in your area)...anything to get those endorphins going to re-build your self-esteem. Do you think perhaps you may have just lost confidence in yourself, temporarily?

Nothing is written in stone. Just because you are not with your "local" friend right now, doesn't mean it's permanent. As far as your other friends...well, one of my favorite quotes comes from the show Ally McBeal, when one woman in the office asked Ally why her (Ally's) problems were always so more important than everyone else's? Ally said "Because they are MY problems". Maybe your friends are just too concerned with their problems right now. Maybe you might want to help them with theirs. So often it has nothing to do with us but we internalize it anyway.

Perhaps step back and give these feelings a look from a different perspective, then see how you feel. Take care and I hope this helps. Blessings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 10:06pm

Hi, ((((((April))))))!


When you call that 800 number, just tell them you'd like to make an appt to talk to someone.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:23pm
I called tonight and chickened out. I think I woke the guy up (he had that same sleepy tone the weather briefers do when I call at 4 in the morning for a 6am flight). They apparently have counselors answering the phone, but I just don't know what to say. I'm shy around people I don't know.

But you're right...it is a benefit that I should probably use before I get fed up competely and quit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 11:30pm
There's really not much to wade through...most of them are my posts, I think, and some wonderful people who've replied.

I honestly never though of paying for treatment myself. I *will not* take medication, as that would stop me from flying, and I could possibly afford other things on my own. I wouldn't even have to report some therapy to the FAA...so that's good.

As for my friends...I'm not sure we were ever as close as maybe I thought. It's hard to be good friends when your sole contact is email, phone calls, and IM. I don't see them except on trips (all airline people). So maybe they aren't friends...although one has been on me all night about calling my EAP...

Anyway, I'll keep this short (sort of?). Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 1:32pm


Quick question before I go on.....

Why would you have to stop flying in order to get help?

I know may sound like a dumb question but I dont understand why you would have to give it up is it because you are always on the go?

I am sorry to hear how tough it is right now for you I know what it is like being so far away from your family but for me it is better to be as far away as possible from them.

Where is your friend that you spoke of? did he move or get mad at you?

Maybe your friends that you spoke of are just confused maybe they just dont know what to do for you right now.

I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope that things get better for you and that you are able to recieve the help that you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:23pm
To answer your questions...

If I'm diagnosed with a mood disorder or precribed drugs for one, I will lose my medical certificate and not be able to fly. Even someone who is prescribed Zoloft to quit smoking loses it because Zoloft is a anti-depressant. Stupid, yes. But there's nothing I can do about it, and believe me, people have been complaing about this for years.

The friend I spoke of...he's still here. He's actually....my supervisor, and we became friends months after I started my job. Now...we aren't friends anymore is the short story. We still talk at work (something that even had to be worked on) but we don't see each other outside of work. It's a long story with him.

That's all I can write, is just to answer your questions. I think I'm off to sleep. My supervisor/ex-friend/pain in my butt knew I was upset today and wouldn't leave me alone until I told him why. I'm not sure how I finally got rid of him, but it took a lot of energy. Thanks for replying...

Pages