Still Hanging On By The Edge Of Fingers!
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Still Hanging On By The Edge Of Fingers!
| Sun, 01-11-2004 - 4:20pm |
I am using the hugs icon today to try to remind myself that I am worthy of hugs something that I don't feel lately. Yesterday after posting here and realizing that I had more to say then what I did I went to Betty(she is the next door neighbor I went shopping with last week) and returned 4 movies I had borrowed from her. I was near tears when I returned them to her and she could tell but she was on the phone. A little while later she came over and asked me if everything was alright and I told her no and told her how I was feeling. She asked where Irv was and I said he is sitting on the couch reading a book and she asked me if he knows and I said he does. I told her when Irv goes to bed(which is earlier then me and he also gets up earlier them me) if I still feel like I don't want to be alone that I will come over. She said fine and told me that if I kill myself who will she have to talk to? She will 70 in April and is such a sweet lady and good friend and I am glad we got to be neighbors. Irv and I played a dice game called Pass the Pigs before he went to bed. I put on movies I rented from the library that make me feel good such as Peanuts movies and Winnie the Pooh. I did end up going to Betty's after Irv went to bed and me and her talked for like an hour and a half. She is going through a hard time lately too with her mom who had a stroke 5 years ago and last week Hospice came out and gave her mom 2 weeks to live. So I guess you can say that we are both pulling each other up. Then this morning after waking up and taking a shower and doing my hair, I went next door and brought Betty over and showed her the wall hanging we have that Irv made out of plastic canvas and showed her other things Irv has made out of plastic canvas. Irv is very talented that way. I can't do anything like that. My mom the other day when she heard me telling dad about the car said I wish everyone would leave your dad alone. Well, the neighbors son is in some legal trouble and so his mom and the police have been talking to my dad. The son of my dad's best friend who died 6 years ago is also in some legal trouble and has been talking to my dad for advice. I know my dad is glad he can help but like I told Betty if anyone needs to leave my dad alone it is all these other people not that I want them to because I know it makes my dad feel good being able to help but if anybody should then other people should not his own children. I am glad to have my dad's help and I know my mom is getting sick of having to help me all the time and that hurts too. I made a choice 12 years ago to marry a man many years older then me and I wouldn't change it for the world but it does make it so that especially now being on disabilty that we are semi- independent on my parent's for like the gas in my car and sometimes groceries.I am on 3 mg of Risperdal a day now and I know I have to give it time to kick in and start adjusting but I really hate being in this snake pit again. I am tired all the time all I want to do is sleep. I know that isn't good so I am trying to do things to keep myself occupied. Tomorrow Betty and I are going to a thrift store. Last week we went shopping(she doesn't drive so I drove) and she bought me a Peanuts coloring book, A Rugrats coloring book, Crayons,A fuzzy poster of dolophins to color,a wallet, tom and jerry cartoons on videtape, a videotape of willy wonka and the chocloate factory. It was nice spending time with her and it is nice just to have someone to go out with occasionaly other then my DH. Well, I have rambled long enough but I wanted to check in with you and let you all know that I am so far still here even though I have the suicidal thoughts and have been thinking about how to do it so I ensure that I die and not just be a vegetable for the rest of my life. Love and Hugs Andrea
