New & feel alone

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
New & feel alone
4
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 7:28am
Before marriage, 1994, dh & I talkd about how many children we wanted & how we'd raise them. We agreed to two. Once married dh told everyone, including me, he never wants children. I felt he lied to me just to get me to marry him. Believing he would make a great father one day I just did not want to give up & I stuck.

Seven years later I became pg. Dh knows & understood I want 2 children 2 years apart. He has never given any argument against, why should he, somehow he thought he'd pull this marriage through childless. We did not agree TTC, but we did agree to take risks, so in a way this pg was united. Although once I became pg he freaked & I actually wished for a m/c just to end all the chaos around me.

In 2002 we had a beautiful boy who is more than any parent could wish for. We both love him so much.

July of 2003 would place our dc at 25 mos apart, perfect timing in my head. I had been warning dh that the 2-year-date was approaching & he just never responded. So when O came upon us in July I let dh know I was ready. He told me he was not. Yet, 4 days later we BD, he did not protect & I became pg. This pg he freaked more than before. Yet, unlike last time, I did want to see this pg full term. I knew dh would come around once we had our u/s.

Unfortunately, at 12w I started to bleed. This lead to a m/c that lasted 10 weeks. The first month of mc dh simply would not talk about the m/c or TTC. He said he needed a month to think. I did my best to give him the month. Once it was over I set up a discussion date, which at that time he said we could TTC again once the mc was over.

My first AF came only 2 weeks after m/c ended. I told dh we no longer needed to use protection. His face went white & he said he was not ready.

Today, our friends who had their 1st 2 months before us came over with the 2nd child who is less than 1 month. After they left I asked dh where he stood on TTC. He said spending time with the baby made him realize he does not ever want to experience that again.

As it turns out, my biggest fear when my m/c was confirmed, of me not only losing the pg, but most likely the only chance for a 2nd child.

Can a marriage survive this????

I love my dh, but this whole children issue has really placed a buffer between us. I don't look at him like I used to, I don't treat him like I used to, I don't talk to him like I used to.

I have NEVER wanted an only child. I would rather have no children than an only child. I just don't think its fair for my child. My dh was an only child himself & he is always jealous of family's where there are siblings. Why in the world would my dh deprive our ds of the one thing he had always wanted for himself????




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:12am
Welcome to the board sweetie.

Maybe your husband is just worried that something would go wrong again and doesn't want the pain that a m/c would cause. Have you talked about that?

Take care

Pamela

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Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:58am



I am going to go out on a limb here so please dont get upset with me I want to stress that this is only my opinion and how I feel I will appoligize if I strike a nerve with anyone on this board.


I my whole life said that I never wanted children I dont like children they annoy me I have no patience for them I used to work at a comp in high school and I had to quite because the kids drove me nuts I couldnt stand the screaming and all the things that kids do.............

Well that all changed in the Spring of 1998 when I found out that I was pregnant with my son Jakob Riley he was a surprise and a big one at that since I was on the pill at the time I got pregnant but he was the best surprise I could have ever recieved I love him more than anything... but I do not want more kids I love two kids my son and my neice Hannah and that is it..Maybe it will all change when I meet someone and maybe get married but for now I dont want anymore kids that is just me..

Maybe your husband feels the same way maybe one child is fine with him...what you both need to do is sit down and come to some kind of agreement and conclusion maybe find a common ground...I wish the best of luck to you in your situation and I hope that everything works out for the both of you and for your child..I hope that you try to see your husbands point of view and that he tries to see yours also..

Once again if I upset you I am sorry that was not my intention just an opinion.

Avatar for all_girls4me
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:01pm
Welcome to the Board. That is a tough topic because it involves very personal decisions, that you can't decide for somebody else. While I can understand that your DH doesn't want children, he shouldn't have married you, knowing that you wanted 2 kids. That was not the right thing to do. Having kids is a huge thing in a marriage. It changes your lives forever.

We have 3 girls that are all 2 years apart, and our house is a nut house. They are 1,3 and 5. We agreed that we didn't want an only child. I actually would be tempted to have one more, but DH is absolutely against that...lol. He has enough with the 3.

Maybe you guys can go to a counselor and figure out where both of you are coming from.

Good luck.......Hugs Ilka



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Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:16pm
PAMELA:

I don't think he is worried about another m/c, he was too relieved with the last one. If he's worried about anything due to pg it would be the labor. I had a hard labor, it could have been much worse & much scarier, but I guess it was scary enough for dh. The labor ended with a c/s & recently he brought this up & he still tears up at the thought of losing me. I do know he worries all the time something will happen to me & Liam will be w/o me.

I've tried to talk to him about it, he does know I want a VBAC & is somehow under the conclusion it is dangerous. I've sent him articles, which he never read, stating VBACs are safe & easier to recover from than a c/s. He doesn't like to talk about it.



IRISHEYES:

How do you come to a compromise with something like this, it's a do or don't situation. Dh is the type of person as he becomes more comfortable with the familiar the less he wants it to change. Therefore the longer we wait the more adamant he'll be in not having a 2nd.

We've been together for over 10 years & have seen this pattern repeat everytime we change our lives. The sad thing is, he'll be so comfortable with the present & even though it is no longer enough for him & he'll start to get depressed by it, he fears the change too much to go for it. For example, before we married we talked of moving out of the state - we both wanted that before meeting. He always made the change so big it would be impossible to reach (i.e. moving across country instead of 1 or 2 states away - but not wanting to move there until we visit, but never finding the time or money to visit). I don't know how I was finally able to get him onboard, but it took years.

BTW: I was not offended by your msg, you were giving your feelings in regards to your own life. (You even left a window for change.)

I waited 7 yrs for him to SORT OF agree to our first, if I let it go for another 7 years, by then I'll be too old.


ILKA:

Unfortunately I did not realize what a manipulator dh was before we married. There are many times in our lives he has manipulated a situation to get exactly what he wants. That is why I believe he said what he knew I wanted to hear to get what he wanted, my hand.

Dh suffers from depression & I've consistently tried to get him to go into counceling. I've mentioned marriage counceling before & he is not willing at all. Dh was forced to go into counceling as a child, had terrible experiences & I believe was hospital once. Therefore he will NEVER go back.

-----

It's just sad today. I cannot even look my dh in the eyes. I need to figure out how to get pass this myself. It's extra hard with a m/c. I think that's why dh said we could TTC after the m/c, b/c I let him know the only way I could see myself through it is if I had hope I could TTC again. It's all I can think about now. Everyone I know who was pg at the same time I was is now pg again or has just given birth (whether they were TTC or not). So none of my friends or sisters can understand what I'm going through.

If I can get pass this, then who knows, I can accept BD & dh is not the best one around to wear a condom, how else would I have gotten pg in the past???

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng