happy monday!!!!!!!!!!!!! bad thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
happy monday!!!!!!!!!!!!! bad thoughts
2
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:23pm





Hey ladies:

I hope that everyone had a good weekend...............

I worked on saturday and sunday I didnt get out of my p.j.'s which was great I went to the tanning salon (I do that to feel the rays, yes I know it is bad for you but once a week helps me alot) came home worked out cleaned my room and crawled back under my covers and watched some movies and it was great.....

I spoke with my freidn Punam on saturday, she is kicking our friend Sareen out of her house for the drugs and the parting too much but I know that Sareen will wind up staying I just hope that she gets the help that she needs, I sent her out the letter I wrote and now I am just waiting for the call to come in the one where I know that she is going to yell at me or maybe not ever speak to me again I am worried about it I dont want to lose her friendship but at the sametime if she cant take the time to see what she is doing to me and to herself than she really isnt worth the worry, I know I sound like a horrible human being, but I dont know I have to think of myself I know I am being selffish and I should be that way..

This is how I see it I can be around someone doing cocaine and not have the desire to do it at all and I just say no thanks and that is the end of it Sareen can not be around someone who is doing it and say no to them she doesnt have the will power to say no and she does it some with drinking I do not by alcohol at the store unless it is a holiday weekend in the summer and we will be having people over and having a bbq but on a regular basis I dont buy it nor do I go out alot and drink maybe and this is a big maybe I will go out once a month and drink, I just worry thats all what if she overdoses or something gets some bad coke and dies from it then what...Our friend Keith the one who died he was big into drugs Sareen and Keith were engaged at one time and she had to bring him to the E.R. one too many times for overdosing so she should know better and should stay away from that crap since she saw what happened to Keith but she didnt learn and she keeps messing herself up, along with messing up her friendship with the two people who care about her the most but I guess Punam and I dont matter to her as much as she matters to us I guess we are not as important to her.

I have been thinking alot I have been pretty sad these past few days I hate how I crawl into my hole and hide from the world I hate living with my sister and Luis I am so unhappy there I just stay in my room and dont come out except to go to work I dont like being around either of them I have these talks out loud with myself where I tell myself that my sister really isnt my sister that we are not blood that I dont need her, I hate my father and I put my sister in that same class with my dad I get angry I wrote a letter to my sister not to give to her but to give to my therapist see what she thinks.

Then I get these thoughts into my head where I want to so bad that it is consumes my mind I want to go to Luis car and slash all of his tires I want to call the cops on him and have them search his room and find his pot and bong I want him to go away, I know that these thoughts are wrong and in the end could get my sister in trouble but I just want to hurt him and her so they know how much they have hurt me so they can feel my pain.

I dont know what is wrong with me I just have these insane thoughts about hurting others I want them to feel my pain I want to scream and yell hit people I am just so upset over things I hate being alone lonley non existant to people in my life sometimes I just want to run away pack up when everyone is asleep and be gone before they wake up just leave my sister wants to raise my rent, you see when I moved in four years ago the agreement was that I would pay 400. a month and watch my neice the nights that my sister worked late I would not have to pay for the utilities they were included in my rent so everything is fine then Luis mooves in my sister and him decide to pull p the carpet in the living room (did I mention my room is in the basement) so now I hear every little noise that goes on upstairs in the kitchen and living room, so they do that the floor looks horrible because they never finished the job no sanding of the floor no finishing on the floor.....

so last night my sister calls a house meeting I ask what about she says finances I tell her that if this is going to be an attack on me I dont want to be part of the meeting.

Did I emntion that I do not eat at the house I dont drink anything in the house except water I stay in my room I dont bother anyone I use the bathroom and that is the extent of my house usage, did I mention that I clean the house except where my sister has my neices things and my sister Luis and Hannahs bedrooms, did I mention that since Luis has lived there he has not once cleaned the house cooked his own dinner cleaned up the poop in the back yard he doesnt feed his dog or take her out I clean up the poop I take cre of my dog Luis has not done his own laundry my sister takes care of everythng for him and they are not even dating I take care of my own stuff so now she wants to raise my rent and I am trying to save that way I can go back to Arizona I am going to tell my sister that since my rent is being raised I can no longer watch my neice I watched her only because my rent was going to be a set amount now that it is being raised there is no need to watch her anymore plus my landlord didnt raise the rent on us so my siter wanting more money means that in order for me to save for arizona I am going to have to get a second job.

I am sorry I am whining but I just needed to vent I am hurt angry confused I want so bad to do someting hurt someone myself I dont care this is all just really bothering me thats all I have become overly obsessed with this situation and I get scared sometimes that I may say or do something I will regret sometimes it is hard to control myself that is why I just stay in my room and away from everyone else.

Sorry this is so long.

Thanks for listening.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 12:42pm

((((((Erin)))))), honey, it sounds like things are getting pretty bad there.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 1:36pm
I agree with Barb, Sareen is no longer the same person. When my mom was drinking, she was a totally different person. And it was the booze talking. So it's most likely the coke that is making her seem like she has two personalities.

I think you need to sit down and talk with your sister. She is just not sounding like a good person to me. If she wants to raise your rent, then you'd better start eating there, and using this house girl. And stick to not watching your neice. She is really taking advantage of you sweetie.

Please take care of yourself.

Pamela

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