i need to get this out or I will implode

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
i need to get this out or I will implode
2
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 1:53pm


Sareen doesnt talk this way because of the coke she doesnt treat me with disregard because of the coke she has been doing this to me for over a year now the whole coke thing got worse when she moved to Mass, she would do it once in a blue moon when she lived in Connecticut she does it out of hatred or malice I dont know why she does it she doesnt know why she does it but she does and it hurts and it makes me feel as if I am a bad person I am not perfect but I am not horrible either.

My sister she isnt a bad person she is or at least she used to be to me very supportive and loving this past year everything changed now I am invisible to her almost like I do not exist in her eyes so I stay out of the way and have these talks with myself at times I want to attack her say nasty things to her tell her how her dear Luis is screwing other women but I wont go there I just want to hurt her so bad at times I want to punch her and Luis and leave...

My sister isnt a bad person though pease dont think that she would give you the shirt off her back I think that Luis has alot to do with the way she treats me he has no idea what my life is like or what I think and I have a feeling that he tells Jennifer (my sister) to not put up with me she thinks that she babies me which isnt the case he is the one getting babied I just hate him so much there is such a pure evil hatred I have for him I have never felt this way about anyone my sister has been with and that scares me if given the oportunity I will do something to Luis to hurt him.

Dont get me wrong I do love my sister but at the same time I hate my sister if I were to go to Arizona tomorrow I would not make an effort to talk with her ever again because she has not made an effort to talk to me it just hurts you know the one person that I thought would never turn their back on me has or at least that is how I feel inside of my stomach I have this thing rising and I fight to keep it down so hard I fight it the rage god it is so hard to fight because I do go nuts scream hit last time I had this rage my sister had to sit on me with her knees on my arms to restrain me and I scratched up her face (I have long strong nails) I threw a nail polish bottle at her head I was screaming so loud and so violently my neighbors almost called the cops and I lost my voice and I feel it coming on again.

I just dont know what to do I want out so bad and I know that when we do sit down and talk about the finances since we didnt get to have the meeting last night my sister has a stomach virus it is going to take all I have to not freak on her and luis I just hope it happens after I see my therapist that way I can talkto her about what I am feeling.

Thanks again ladies for letting me vent this out I know I whine about something on and on part of my complex or disorder until something is done or settle I cant stop thinking about it.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:28pm
Erin

I hope I didn't offend you in anyway. If I have, I apologize.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 3:38pm

(((((((Erin))))))), when do you see your therapist again?

 

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