WHY AM I STILL HERE? TRIGGS! LONG!
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WHY AM I STILL HERE? TRIGGS! LONG!
| Mon, 01-12-2004 - 5:36pm |
I have to seriously question why I am still here. I wrote a post the other day about still hanging on by my fingertips which no one answered yet but that is ok as I know everyone is busy. I am out at my parent's and truth be told I think my dad was a little afraid to let me come to the library but he did and so here I am. I saw Dan (car salesman)on my way out to mom and dad's. As much as he would like to help me he can't. I owe more then what the car is worth and considering that I am not working and on disability they are not going to want to finance me more money. Then the fact that my credit history is not the greatest in the world. I have 3 more years before I would be able to file for bankruptcy again. Dad say when I got the car I got after I told him today what my monthly payments are he said Dan did me no favors and he wishes I would of talked to him first but since I didn't it is water under the bridge. My dad came in on the end of my conversation with Irv and he heard I guess me tell him I feel like I am in a snake pit and if one bites me I will die. I hung up with Irv and told my dad I was coming to the library and he asked if everything was okay and I said truthfully and he said yea and I said I am planning my death. He told me to sit down and let's talk and to be honest I thought he was going to haul me off to the hospital just like they did when I was 15. I have a feeling that if I don't show up in a reasonable time that is probably what he will do but at this point to be honest I would end it rather then keep going on this way. I come to find out that mom is worried about them being able to pay taxes and so to just throw money out to get another car is just not forseeable. Dad talked about me voluntarily repossesing the car but like he said that is my lifeline to getting to Kara and out to see them.Gram doesn't know what is going on yet with me and my intentions of dying but I know once she does she is going to worry. That is my nana and I love her very much just like with all of my family but I do know that I want out. Before I left for the library dad told me let's take it one step at a time and let's find out if I would still be financially responsible if they repossessed my car. I looked into it on the internet and bad news I am. I seriously doubt it can get much worse then right now. I know my dad would bend over backwards if it meant keeping me alive but I can't forsee me going on like this. When I left to come here to the library I told him the only thing I know right now is that I don't want to exisit anymore. I don't see the increase in Risperdal doing anything. I went to the food pantry today and got our allotment for the month and as I was unpacking it I was thinking to myself boy Irv you are going to have a lot of food to eat. When I talked to him earlier on the phone I told him I was going to take my extension for a car payment and use it to buy myself something. He said good sweetie you should do that and I said yes I am going to buy my casket.He says I don't need to take the whole world on my shoulders and that we will get through this. I said I wish I could feel about it the way you do. I appreciate all the support I get here and yet I feel right now as if I am the same way to you all that I am to my family and that is a burden. I just don't see myself making it another day but I do know that my dad won't let another happen to me so as long as I am in their house nothing is going to happen to me. If it means staying up all night to watch me my dad would do it. Irv would to but being older when he is tired he has to sleep and I can't blame him.Ultimately it is up to me but that little voice is talking loudly in my head and sooner or later I am apt to listen to it instead of telling it to shut up like Irv says I should. Well, I have rambled enough and taken up peoples time that can be better suited to other purposes so I will close for now. I will check in tomorrow if I go to the library I might now feel like it. Love and Hugs Andrea and I hope I didn't make anyone mad at me.

Andrea,
I am not going to act like I know what you are going through and what you are feeling or even try to understand why you want to die so badly we all have had our own reasons for wanting to kill ourselves...
I am going to remind you though of a few things one you have Irv think of how devistated he would be if you were to leave him you have your parents who love you and to be frank they can not hold you up each time you fall I know I am harsh but sometimes being harsh is the only way to get thru to someone ya you have some problems we all do but you have to understand that sometimes people can not help you and try to appreciate the help they can give you and I know your parents would be so hurt if you were to kill yourself.
I also want to remind you how selffish you are being by telling your husband that you are going to use the money from your car payment extension to buy your coffin also think how your gram would feel I know she loves you also but how could you tell your husband the person that you love that you are going to kill yourself and buy your coffin.
Killing yourself is one of the most selffish things a person could ever do it leaves so many unanswered questions for the people left behind that will never be answered also most people who are planning their suicide who want to die dont talk about it they do it and I dont think that you really want to die I think that you want help you want to live and we and everyone else in your life want you to live.
Ya life is painful depression is painful life sucks at times but you cant just give up throw in the towell you have to fight and there is still some fight left in you but you have got to want to fight and you do that each day by getting up taking a shower taking medication speaking to Kara those are the things that shows you that you do have fight left in you.
I hope that you chose to stick around for a while the world isnt such a bad place tough yes bad no
Sorry for being so harsh, and thanks for reading my post to you like I said you are lucky to have love some of us dont have any.
Erin
Andrea!
Im sorry if I missed replying to a post but its just physically impossible for me to respond to them all and Im SURE no one is mad at you hun.
I just want to say right now, that is really important for you to reach deep inside of you and remember those good days that you had not to long ago and KNOW that you CAN Have them back!! Its worth fighting for!
Sending lots of Love and Support (((((((((((((((((Andrea)))))))))))))))))))))))))
*hugs
*hugs