I am sorry..I slipped very upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I am sorry..I slipped very upset
5
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 12:12pm


Hey ladies,

I am sorry but I have slipped, I went out and baught a bunch of diet pills two different brands, last night I was sitting in my room and looking at myself in the mirror and I just lost it, I have gained weight I can see it clothes have gotten a bit tighter and I dont like it, I lost control I gave up my power and now I am paying for it by gaining weight, so I have decided to make an effort to regain my power back, I am sorry but I just cant do this anymore I need to be thin I need to have this one thing and make it my own, I tried and failed to live without the pills I have improved on the other things which are much more important than the diet pills, I am sorry for those that seemd so proud of me for staying away from the diet pills, but I cant live like this anymore I cant live with the weight gain, I would rahter die than live with the weight gain I just cant do it and I am sorry.

I got a call from my friend Punam today she was telling me that my friend Sareen is getting really bad the drinking drugs ect....Ithink I may drive up to Mass after work tonight and talk to Sareen let her know what she is doing to our friendship she doesnt call me she doesnt make an attempt to have my friendship when I lived in Arizona I always made an attempt to talk to her at least once a week she could care less she doesnt care that she is loosing me as a friend I love her to death but I can not sit here and watch her slowly kill herself so I may go up there and try to have a talk with her I want her to tell me that she doesnt want my friendship I want to hear from her why she is doing this I want her to see the pain on my face.

I am sorry that I whine so much but I have so much going on in my head I am not happy I am so sad I hide in my room when I am not working I am in my bedroom staying away from the world I dont want to see anyone tak to anyone I am safe when I am in my room. My sister and I are trying to talk to each other the conversation doesnt last long about five minutes and that is all, I dont tell her much the rift between us is just too great it is sad cause she was the one person that I could always talk to and now I just cant do it she chose to alienate me she chose Luis over me and I have so much on my mind I hurt so bad my whole body hurts and I am alone with my feelings and emotions and she could care less, as long as Luis is happy that is all she cares about I dont matter to her anymore I dont exist to her anymore.

I guess I dont matter to anyone anymore Sareen could care less about me my sister could care less about me I am just invisible to everyone I just dont exist anymore I just go thru the motions of each day I am no longer living life I am just existing.

Thanks for letting me get it all out

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 1:53pm

(((((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))), honey!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 11:33pm
Erin,

I don't know if this will help any, but here goes....

Within the past 6 months or so one of my very best friends decided he was in love & wanted to get married (all out of a mid-life crisis) to someone who even he has said isn't necessarily good for him... but she somehow makes him happy - so more power to him.

I expressed my concern & even dislike for this woman he's so readily (only after about 3 months of knowing one another proposed). I did my duty as a friend to express my concern & let him hear me out. And he listened & even agreed with me on a few points. But I'm sure he's got his reasons which seem valid only to him.

They at one time lived down the hall from me then moved into a larger place (a couple miles away). We used to hang out several days a week - if nothing else than to sit & vent to one another about stupid stuff or sit & watch tv for a couple hours silently. Mind you, I've been involved happily with my s.o. for several yrs now - so there was never anything between this friend & myself.

so all of a sudden since they moved to a bigger place & he proposed, he's not allowed to have any friends (female ones at least) (among other things he can't do).

I would call & email and do everything short of showing up on their doorstep (as she really dislikes me - she thinks i'm a threat! LOL) to get him to call back & see if he'd like to hang out or grab a bite to eat or go shopping together. Anything that we used to do for fun.

I'd never get a response. So, I ended up mourning over him. It sounds odd - as he didn't die, didn't leave far away or anything... but I know that I won't see him for a good long time.

Now, I don't much think about him. He was a great friend of many years. And because of someone else's insecurity, we dont see / talk / email each other anymore.

I had to learn to let go. I knew no matter what I said or did he was going to stay with this woman - no matter how much he agreed she is bad for him - he apparently didn't care.

Much like your friend Sareen, he's "addicted" to this woman's abuse, except she abuses alcohol/drugs.

Maybe it's time to let go. As much as that sounds horrible & hurtful, maybe it's all come full circle for you two & it's time for both of you to move on.

It sounds like you've done everything you can as her friend to let her know what's going on. Some people may agree with you (like my friend) but they dont really "hear" what you're saying.

As long as you tried & were truly their friend & showed them you are looking out for the best for them - sometimes you can't do anymore.

It's at least something to think about... but don't go outta your way if it's turning out to be a waste of time/energy/effort - if you feel you've done everything you can as a friend.

I had to learn to let go - w/out wanting to...

sometimes, it's just for the best.

Sue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 3:14am
Erin,

We care about you. We care about you a lot. Have you noticed how many people on this board write you on a regular basis? We care more than you know.

I'm sorry that your sister has this addiction to unhealthy men. It's clear that she is in denial. The guy was making every effort to sleep with you for a long time. You know he must be sleeping with other women too. Sadly, a lot of women make their man the center of their world. And the men rarely are a prize. A man who was a good guy would encourage her to keep a close relationship with her sister.

When my sister got married the first time her husband hated me. He treated me really badly. My sister and I grew apart because of that. In the end they divorced because she finally realized that he wasn't such a great guy. It took her ten years to figure it out.

As for your friend Sareen, people who are addicted to drugs don't care about anything but the drugs. The whole nature of addiction is that they are chasing the high that they used to get before their body adapted to the drug. Now they have to do anything they can to get more drugs, just so they can feel "normal." That's because their body gets so messed up that when they are off of the drugs they feel much worse than they used to feel before they did the drug.

Baby, a drug addict not making an effort for you is not personal!!!! Drug addicts will sell their bodies, their children, anything, just to get that high. They lose their humanity to the drugs. They are so far down and they are enslaved to the drug. It's not about you!!!!

It's very tragic that your friend is addicted to drugs. But she is choosing to stay in that lifestyle. It usually takes people years of suffering and losing everything they have before they seek help. Trust me, Erin, Sareen is far worse off mentally and physically than you are.

Could you stop taking diet pills and let yourself get a little heavier to save a friendship? The pull it has over you is very consuming. Well, the pull of drugs over Sareen is much stronger. Drugs destroy people who are addicted.

I'm sorry for the close friends who are pulling away right now. But I think it's their own issues they are going through. I think that God and the Universe send us signals about what we should do in our lives. You might be getting the message that it's time to go to Arizona to take care of yourself and spend time with your son.

We are here for you and we care so much, Erin.

All My Love,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:49am

Erin sweetie!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 1:29pm
{{{{{{Erin}}}}}}

Sweetie! I am so sorry to hear that things are still going crappy for you.

Please know that I am thinkig of you, hun.

Sending hugs

Pamela

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