Busy few weeks...good news + poss. trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Busy few weeks...good news + poss. trigs
3
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 12:33am
Hi, I know it's been a while since I last posted or even replied to anyone else's posts...I've been really busy these past few weeks, flying around the country for medical school interviews (I have another one in a week and a half). I got some good news as a result, though...I got accepted to a great med school the day after I interviewed there, and they want me to apply for a scholarship (the application is due very soon, though, so that is causing me some stress right now).

I also haven't seen either one of my therapists for several weeks...before I started this interview process, I was going three times a week! I haven't even been keeping up much with the record my therapist wants me to keep, of my eating, sleeping, mood, etc. It's very strange, I feel like I have hidden that depressed side of me, and that even something like writing about my mood will bring back the strong negative feelings.

So, I think largely because I have been ignoring most negative thoughts, I guess I have been doing well. But I'm not so sure. I was staying with a good friend from college during my last interview...and I made a not-so-funny joke that clearly offended him (I was tired and had a minor migraine, but really I have no excuse...I should have realized that he is too conservative for that kind of humor).

I felt so horrible afterwards, and it seemed like there was nothing I could do to "make it better"...and almost immediately, the idea of killing myself came back into my head. Even though I guess I had been doing better, I was (and still am, sadly enough) completely willing to self-destruct if it would have atoned for my insensitive joke. I did reason it through with myself, though, and decide that my friend wouldn't necessarily feel better towards me if I killed myself because of what I said.

Still, things like that scare me...as does the fact that while I am working so hard to blunt my emotions (negative and positive), I know they will resurface in not too long...and I worry about how the stress of med school could trigger even worse depression or hyperness (which I think may be mania or a mixed state), so that I would completely lose control. And I wonder if it's even a responsible decision to go into medicine when my own emotional problems have been so overwhelming.

But I do think this is what I want to do...and discussing a bit of this with my mom, she said that the fact that I have "overcome" so much means I am even better suited to helping other people get better. It's true that I never thought I would get to this point...my fibromyalgia is well-controlled right now too, it seems, and that is a miracle compared to my former, unbearable physical pain. So I guess it does seem like things are falling into place for me...although now my sister is having problems of her own...as my mom said, things don't ever seem to go well for both of us at the same time!

And now my rigidly-enforced "happiness" (or lack of emotions, really) has me wondering, could I have gained control over my depression earlier? I know that at least part of it is biological, and I am on very low doses of antidepressants for my fibromyalgia, so those might just have kicked in...but I wonder how much of my former despair was under my control...even if I was allowing it to persist because it was more comfortable, easier than the alternative?

Sorry to ramble on so long once more (no post from me could be complete without some rambling!)...I also apologize for avoiding the board lately...as I mentioned, I am worried that even reading about depression or difficulties will trigger me. But I wanted to let you all know that I'm thinking about you, and that I'm doing relatively well... and that I finally got into med school!

Thanks for listening,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 8:46am

ROSA!


I think its wonderful that you got accepted to Med School!!Caduceus

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 12:56pm

((((((((((Rose)))))))))))


CONGRATULATIONS!


That's terrific!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:12pm
Thank you both, Caly and Barb. I hope I am doing the right thing by pushing my negative thoughts aside...it has definitely been necessary for me to do that in order to appear "put together" and happy at interviews...but I am hoping all the thoughts don't come back to get me the moment I let my guard down. Even now, I don't write poetry like I used to, and I keep the TV on constantly for background noise...won't allow myself to feel what I am scared I might feel.

Barb, I hope you are right that all these experiences will prove helpful to me in the end...I know that I would feel compassion towards anyone else in similar circumstances. I just hope I can make it to that point where I am helping other people...even writing this scholarship essay is proving to be a major difficulty for me...and I feel like I have completely distanced myself from my "real," depressed self...although I know it is quite possible that my real self is this happier, more functional person.

Anyway, thanks again...I really appreciate it, and I apologize again for not being there for everyone else on the board recently.

Rose