I need help really bad right now!!!!!!!!
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| Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:28am |
I am sending all of you great big huge hugs......................
Things are really bad for me at the moment, they are really bad at home, I am so sad and living with my sister and Luis are just making it all worse, ther is nothing like already feeling worthless and living in a house with two people who ntensify that feeling by not acknowleding that you exist, no one talking to you no one looking at you no one acting like you are you are not alive..
I am not saying that I am in the right but I am not all wrong, I know that me being bipolar works against me at times because my emotions sometimes get the best of me but I am hunam I do have a right to have emotions and express them.
Example being Saturday night I was up at 6am on saturday morning to go to work and I work til 5pm stopped at my moms house talked with my mom for a bit and went home and worked out my sister neice and Luis get home around 8pm I am in my room which is in the basement and there is no insulation between the basement and the living room I am watching t.v. and Luis turns on the stereo in the living room loud to where I can not hear my t.v. I get fed up go upstairs and ask him to turn it down a little cause I cant hear my t.v. he says to me it is the weekend we dont have to work in the morning and it is his house why cant he have entertainment in it I never said he could not have the stereo on I just wanted him to turn it down a little so I tell him to turn it up and go into my room because he said I live in the basement that it shouldnt be loud for me but it is oposite you see they cant hear my t.v. stereo going because I am in the basement but I can hear everything upstairs because of the lack of a carpet and insulation so I tell him again turn up the stereo and go into my room he replied with why are you getting excited and would not go into my room because he knew that I was right, so he end up turning it down and I slam my door and go to my bed.
I have been on the verge of tears for over a week now, I appreciate all of you and what you all say to me and it means so much to me but I want my sister back I want her to show me that I matter to her I want her to love me I want my sister back.
I am so upset I swear to god I am going to kill my sister and my roommate or myself I am so mad right now I cant do this anymore my mom says that my sister and I need to talk but I can never get her alone Luis is always around my mom says that it isnt easy for my sister to deal with me that she has her own problems and I understand that I am not saying that she has to coddle me I just want my sister back I understand that before I started therapy and meds that I was moody but now I take my meds everyday I go to therapy every week I see a shrink every month but not once has my sister thought well maybe Erin is this way because of Luis maybe there isnt something right here maybe I should speak with Erin find out whats going on no not once has she come to me she sides with Luis and it ends up being all my fault because I have this stupid disease just because I am bipolar I did not ask to be this way I remember once having sane clear thoughts and laughing and being happy does she really think that I enjoy this that I want to be this way I DONT WANT TO BE THIS WAY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!
I am so tired I am so very tired and sad and ready to just lose it I can feel it slipping away..I cant do this anymore I cant live like this anymore, I just cant do it I have no support system besides all of you but I need it at home and I dont have it...
sorry for going on like this sorry for being such a whinny little thing latley sorry if I braught you all down.
thank you for always being here for me and listening and helping you are all great women I love you all.
Erin

I am so sorry that things are so crappy right now. Can you do something for me? Please talk with your sister. Tell her you want to sit down with JUST HER, no Luis, and talk about things. Sweetie, you are in a bad place, and unless she is completely heartless, I think she would want to know how bad you are really feeling. I am really concerned for you. Can you please do this for me?
Luis sounds like a real jerk. I know how loud living in a basement can be. I lived in the basement at my brother's house for about a year and a half and my room was right under the living room. There was no insulation and they had hardwood. So if someone dropped a pen it sounded like someone had dropped a heavy candle holder or something. So I can totally relate.
Please email me at my hotmail account of you want to rant, vent, or just talk, okay sweetie??
I am thinking of you Erin.
Pamela
(((((((((Erin)))))))))), honey, you have to find a way to work this through.
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((((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))
Sweetie, I agree with Barb.
I completely know that feeling of wanting your sister back. I felt that way for a long time, but I gave up on her 6 years ago. Your sister clearly has her own problems, being with a jerk like Luis.
It sounds like they are both using you and your illness as a scapegoat. I don't think that you are going to get your sister back until you get out of that house and let them deal with each other one on one, without you to blame for problems.
I know that you feel so upset, hurt, and frustrated. All you can do right now is take care of yourself. It sounds like that probably means moving out of that house. How do you feel about moving to Arizona sometime soon? I know you are thinking about it. Maybe this is pushing you towards taking action for yourself.
I was in an awful living situation a few years ago, rooming with my sister. It was a flipping nightmare! The only solution was for us not to live together anymore. Your sister doesn't see that her boyfriend is a problem. I don't think she will see it until she lives with him without you to blame for her problems. I also went through that with my mom and stepdad when I was in high school. My mom and her new husband had all of these problems and they kept blaming me and my little brother. I couldn't wait to get out of the house. When I did, I didn't even talk to my mom for six months after I went to college. I was so hurt and mad. I definitely lost her when they got married. Emotionally, she became all about him.
It didn't take long after I was gone for her to see that the problems were between the two of them. Soon she was turning to me for advice on her marriage difficulties, all of which she had blamed on me just a few years before!
People can be really stupid and blind when it comes to their mate. I know you want your sister, but take care of yourself right now. That's the only way to get through this. You won't get relief from anyone in that house.
All My Best,
MariaC
I know how you feel. Life doesn't sound so hot, but I want you to know I hear ya on the roommate deal. I'm quite fed up too with my situation. I can't offer you a lot, but I do want you to know that I'm thinking about you and can feel ya out!
love you lots babe
Trixie