I'm so unhappy (poss. triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
I'm so unhappy (poss. triggers)
18
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:55pm
Ladies,

Thank you so much for all your birthday wishes - they meant a lot and cheered me up for a few minutes. I have been doing so well this past week or so, but today (on my birthday!) of all days, I just feel so bad! I haven't slept properly in so long and I used to sleep all the time - my body has just reversed this somehow and I'm so tired today. I feel bad because I came home from work and only spent a couple of hours with my parents and sister. Mum made a nice meal and I got presents, but now I feel I need to try and sleep 'cause I'm up early for work again tomorrow.

Also, one of my friends has not even bothered to say 'happy birthday' to me - no email, no card, no phone call. Now I feel like I'm not worth bothering with! I've felt very spaced-out today because of the lack of sleep and everything seems to have passed in a blur. Now I have all these negative thoughts and intense feelings and feel horrible again and very low self-esteem and think I look awful again, when last week I seemed to see things differently.

I feel so overwhelmed by this depression now and like it will never get any better - I just want to smile and 'feel' it and just 'feel' happy again. It's been so long since I've been happy that I don't even remember how it feels anymore. Everything seems 'forced' now or fake or a struggle. I don't want to be like this forever. Why is it so hard for us to just 'live'? Why do we make it so hard for ourselves when everyone else doesn't have to even think about it? I hate feeling this way. If I can't even be happy on my birthday then when will I be?

I'm so sorry for being negative and I know it comes from within and that I should not let the thoughts overwhelm me but they do and I just can't see me ever having a 'normal' life again now. I'm scared that I can't control it and that I might slip back to where I was even just a few weeks ago and that was a very bad place!!!

I'm scared how the suicidal thoughts (passive at the moment) are always kind of lurking and appear whenever anything, however small, seems wrong. Can anyone else relate to this?

Sorry to have gone on for so long and for the negativity. Very bad time, lots of tears again!

Thank you all for listening and reading my posts.

Yvonne

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:14pm
(((Yvonne)))

Sorry to hear that your birthday hasn't been the best.

I am always tired, it is just something that I have learned to deal with. I sleep, but i don't feel rested after sleeping. Have you spoken to your doctor about this? Have you started any new meds or anything that could be causing the not being able to sleep?

I am sending you mega hugs sweetie. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yvonne}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:18pm

Yvonne I know what you mean about your birthday...its such a special day to me and it hurts sooo much when people forget... I know I may be an adult but im not "hung up" on the age thing... I would rather be remembered!


SO sending lots of caring and support your way hun!! (((((((((((((YVONNE)))))))))))))))))

*hugs

*hugs             

Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:30pm
To my birthday buddy.......Happy Birthday!!


And yes I can relate to your feelings. Eventhough I'm not suicidal, the thought does lurk deep in my mind. I hate myself for it, because it's really not the right thing, but it still pops up now and then. It's especially hard on your b-day. Hey......I'm with you on that one. I'm just so down today, because I feel like it should be a special day for me, but it's not. I'm at work, and nobody really cares. And we'll see how it goes at home tonite.

Hang in there.......hugs Ilka



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:33pm

(((((((Yvonne)))))))), I'm sorry your birthday has been a disappointment to you.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:04pm
Barb,

Thanks to you and everyone who replied. It's a comfort knowing I can log on here when I'm at work, although I always minimise the screen when people walk past and I can't really post at work! To answer your questions, no I'm not taking any meds and I haven't been able to get an appointment with the psychologist yet. My doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist now as well. I am seeing my doc. again on Friday after work.

I am really struggling with everything at the moment and everything seems so bad. I hate having such intense and overwhelming feelings that I'm wrong and nothing will ever get better and I haven't slept in so long. Even now, it's 3.45am and I just can't sleep - I seem to need background stuff like the tv on because i now have some weird panic/phobia thing that has developed too - maybe because of new job or changing sleeping patterns.

I can 'act' and struggle through the day at work, but I feel trapped and strange. I just can't see this getting any better, Barb. I'm scared at the overhwelming desire I have to die. I don't hear voices or anything like that, but it's as if there is something there telling me I need to die and that I want this to stop and can't live my life like this! I didn't want to go back to that stage, but I seem to be back there again and now have to deal with the new job too!

I can't even explain how I feel in words! In general though, I feel alone, lonely, isolated (even with people), hopeless, worthless, ugly, despair of things ever changing and how I got to this stage! People at work seem nice, although it's not open-plan so I don't really get to see others that much. They all socialise quite a lot, at company expense. Yaughting trips, golf trips, hotel stays, meals and functions, etc, etc. I feel so overwhelmed by all that too as I have developed a major phobia about socialising and I don't like going to places where there is loud music anyway and now I think if I make excuses or don't join in that much, then they will think badly of me!

It's taking all I have at the moment just to struggle through every day without any other issues to deal with! I work from 8.30am till 6.00pm and I find myself longing to get home everyday and can't wait for the weekend. I just don't want to go through every day struggling and feeling so terrible! I want to do my PhD in the future and I also have to start thinking about professional accountancy exams for my job, but I just feel I can't cope with studying now, even though I was at University for 6 years. Everything is different now and I have no confidence in my abilities and very low self-esteem! I just can't see a way out of this. I have been meaning to respond to Rose's post too because some things she said I can completely relate to!

I'm sorry for going on, Barb. It helps just to know someone can listen and understand. Thanks.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:54pm

(((((((Yvonne)))))))), I can totally relate to where you are coming!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 7:40am
Barb,

Thanks for your reply and I will take you up on your offer to email you if that's still ok.

Can't write much at the moment as I'm at work, but speak to you soon.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:45pm
Hi Yvonne,

Alot of the things you described in your post are similar to the way I've been feeling lately, too. It's all down to depression, which I've been in since the new year. When you are depressed, everything seems bleak, hopeless and overwhelming - you tend to think that things will never get any better, but that's the depression talking. The very nature of the illness is what makes you see things that way.

Yes, I have had thoughts of hopelessness and wanting to die... However, I recognise that it's depression that's making me feel this way. I'm taking anti-depressants for it and have started to feel somewhat better in recent days. Maybe you could visit your doctor and explain how you are feeling? Anti-depressants could help you see things more positively and give you that extra energy you need.

I'm also waiting for therapy, but haven't managed to get an appointment, yet - It's been very difficult trying cope in the meantime - a couple of times I have resorted to calling a telephone helpline. Keep pushing for your therapy and make sure that the therapist or doctor knows how bad you are feeling (sucidal thoughts, etc) and that you need to see someone fast. You could also try calling a helpline if you feel you need to talk to someone before then - the number is at the top of the depression main page.

Do you have anyone close to you, that you can trust to tell them how you are feeling? Family, partner or friend? Sometimes, talking about it can help to lessen the burden and maybe they can offer you some support.

There is help out there for you, you don't have to struggle on alone, feeling like this. Take the help - take the anti-depressants. And know that brighter times lay ahead for you - this cloud will pass.

Take care and let us know how you are getting on!

~Cherise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:51pm
Yvonne,

I just noticed that your name is Scottish Girl.. Are you living in Scotland? I'm from the UK too... Anyway I just wanted to say that if you are in the UK and feel you need to talk to someone before you get into therapy, you can call the Samaritans helpline..08457 90 90 90

I found them really useful to talk to, when I was going through a crisis... They are trained counsellors and will listen and help you get a more manageable perspective on your problems...

Hope that helps,

~Cherise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:55pm
Thanks, Cherise. Yes, I am living in Scotland. It's good to know someone else from the UK is on this board too. Are you living in England or Wales or NI?

Hope to chat with you soon.

Yvonne

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