I'm so unhappy (poss. triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
I'm so unhappy (poss. triggers)
18
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 3:55pm
Ladies,

Thank you so much for all your birthday wishes - they meant a lot and cheered me up for a few minutes. I have been doing so well this past week or so, but today (on my birthday!) of all days, I just feel so bad! I haven't slept properly in so long and I used to sleep all the time - my body has just reversed this somehow and I'm so tired today. I feel bad because I came home from work and only spent a couple of hours with my parents and sister. Mum made a nice meal and I got presents, but now I feel I need to try and sleep 'cause I'm up early for work again tomorrow.

Also, one of my friends has not even bothered to say 'happy birthday' to me - no email, no card, no phone call. Now I feel like I'm not worth bothering with! I've felt very spaced-out today because of the lack of sleep and everything seems to have passed in a blur. Now I have all these negative thoughts and intense feelings and feel horrible again and very low self-esteem and think I look awful again, when last week I seemed to see things differently.

I feel so overwhelmed by this depression now and like it will never get any better - I just want to smile and 'feel' it and just 'feel' happy again. It's been so long since I've been happy that I don't even remember how it feels anymore. Everything seems 'forced' now or fake or a struggle. I don't want to be like this forever. Why is it so hard for us to just 'live'? Why do we make it so hard for ourselves when everyone else doesn't have to even think about it? I hate feeling this way. If I can't even be happy on my birthday then when will I be?

I'm so sorry for being negative and I know it comes from within and that I should not let the thoughts overwhelm me but they do and I just can't see me ever having a 'normal' life again now. I'm scared that I can't control it and that I might slip back to where I was even just a few weeks ago and that was a very bad place!!!

I'm scared how the suicidal thoughts (passive at the moment) are always kind of lurking and appear whenever anything, however small, seems wrong. Can anyone else relate to this?

Sorry to have gone on for so long and for the negativity. Very bad time, lots of tears again!

Thank you all for listening and reading my posts.

Yvonne

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 6:46pm
Hi Yvonne,

I'm living in England in the Midlands... Nice to meet someone else from the UK! Mostly everyone seems to be from America - not that I mind! Healthcare systems work differently on this side of the pond. I had my doctor refer me for an emergency appointment with a therapist - they will do that if your depression is so bad you are having suicdal thoughts. It's worth seeing if your doctor will do the same, if you feel you need therapy fast.

Best of Luck,

~Cherise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 5:25am
Cherise,

I have told my doctor about the suicidal thoughts and that's why he wants me to see a psychiatrist as well, but the private appointment with a psychologist seems to be taking forever to set up! I have to pay £60 an hour as well! I started counselling, but that didn't help as it was only talking about issues that led up to the severe depression and it's gone well past that stage now - it's more about how I'm feeling, which is why I thought CBT would maybe work? I just feel so negative about everything, it feels like my entire world is wrong and I'm just going through the motions like a zombie and not 'feeling' anything. I have recently started a new job (career break) and I can 'act' all day in the office, but I feel even worse outside of work now and I can't sleep so I look awful. Have started eating more, but still seem to be losing weight and I don't have any more to lose! I hate how this is so overwhelming and that the suicidal thoughts are so intense. I know it's the illness 'talking' but I don't even care anymore 'cause I feel like I will always be like this now and I am so different to the person I once was! I'm scared that it will develop into something else because I have to try and switch my personality at work. I'm scared that I will develop something else like split personality or bipolar or something! I don't know how those things develop, but I'm not taking medication for the depression I have. I don't have any 'symptoms' like mania or voices or anything remotely like that, but I'm still very worried!

I'm sorry for going on a bit. Thanks for your posts.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 12:21pm

Hi, (((((((((((Yvonne)))))))))))!


I tried to e-mail you through your profile, but I got a message that you have opted to not receive messages that way.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 12:36pm
Barb,

You are so nice and your posts are so supportive. Thanks so much. Tell me how I can change my profile to receive emails?? I didn't know I had opted not to receive them. I'd be more than happy to chat with you or others on this board too. Thanks again. Speak to you soon. Take care.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 1:18pm

Yvonne,


I know how you feel.

    CL for The

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 7:06pm

Hi, again!

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>

CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 3:56pm
Thanks, Barb. I think I've sorted the email thing now. Talk to you soon.

Kind Regards,

Yvonne













iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 6:39pm
I just wanted to thank you for the post you wrote to me earlier...I read this post of yours, and it does seem like we have a lot of issues in common! I can completely relate to your lurking self-destructive thoughts...and the need to put on a "mask" so the outside world can believe that you are happy.

I also have wondered the same thing about my birthday, that if I'm not happy on my birthday, when will I be happy? But then I realized that birthdays are actually really hard times for me...I tend to think back on the year behind me and worry about whether I've accomplished "enough." And a birthday is just another day, really, although it's nice when it's a special day...but there are 364 other days in the year for you to have a chance to be happy.

I'll be thinking of you, and happy (belated) birthday!

Rose

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