self destructive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:22pm |
I have this chest type thing in my bedroom and in it I have paperwork and other things cards ect......I have this pile or cards and a few letters that I know I should just throw away and get rid of them but I hold onto them you see these are cards and letters from my sons father from when we were together and then one of them is the brake up letter, and when I feel like crap I open up the drawer and I read all of them and I just sit there and cry they are my proof that at one time I was worth loving that at one time I was part of something, and then the brake up letter reminds me of how horrible I am how badly I treated him it is proof that back then the signs were apparent that there was something very wrong with me, and I read thru it all and I think about everything that I gave up everything that I messed up everythng that I lost and I will never get that back he is remarried with a baby on the way, I will never be loved again I blew my shot.
I have these things that I keep to remind myself of another time another place when things ere okay, I remember having sane thoughts I remember being happy but it is so distant, almost like it never really happened like I never really was happy I have these memories but they are so faint that they almost are non existant for me, I have this know inside of me I can feel it and it is so tight and it is so heavy and it is working its way out of me it has so much rage and anger and I am afraid of what will happen when it comes out last time it happened I attacked my sister I scratched her face she had to sit on top of me to restrain me I was screaming so loud my neighbors almost called the cops I lost my voice I just went crazy, I am afraid of that happening again.
I refuse to eat at all I wont go near food I dont want to smell food or look at food I just want to sleep thats all I barley have the energy to get out of bed my body is cold and tight my eyes are sinking into my skull, I am just stagnant.
I have no one to talk to and to be honest I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want to see anyone meet anyone I just want to stay in my room where I am safe where I cant be touched or heard or looked at at times I want to die ya know sometimes I think well why bother what can I give to anyone to the world what do I have to offer anyone I dont do any good in the world my heart is gone my sister doesnt know if I am alive or dead I dont think she would care eather way.
I wish that I could post something happy I talked to my son last night he went camping with his grandfather and saw alot of deer in northern arizona and said they were very tricky he is so funny, I miss him so much
I miss me.
Erin

stephanie
Sweetie...you ARE worth loving. You aren't a bad person, you are just going through a rough time. Everyone deserves to be loved.
Have you told your therapist about these letters? I used to have all the letters from my ex, but I ended up burning them when he cheated on me. And you know what? I think I am glad that I did. I still have one really nice one that he wrote me and in it there is a poem. I don't read it anymore though, it is too painful. But I keep it just so I know that someone loved me so much at one time. It even hurts to write about Jodi, I just want to cry; I miss him that much. But sometimes you just have to chalk it up to exerience, right? Seriously, you should maybe think about not looking at those letters. They could be just re-inforcing your thoughts that nobody will love you again. And that is not true at all.
Think of the excitement of a new love. Someone else will write you those letters, hun. And you will get to experience the excitement of that first kiss, holding hands for the first time with someone. Don't you love that funny butterfly feeling you get when you are in a new relationship?
Take care
Pamela
*hugs