My Husband has Depression - Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
My Husband has Depression - Help!
36
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:18am
My main concern is how do I continue to deal with him?

I feel like I don't have a Husband but a Teenager in the the house.

I read a message sent in earlier by (lyn1960) and alot of what she said sounded so familar.

I feel like I have to constantly tell him what to do (take his meds, do chores, get up EVERY morning, etc. or he does NOTHING! No responsibility and has no motivation for doing anything "good", Why do I have to give him a list? Why can't he just do everyday chores without me reminding him?

We have been Married for 7 years and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago when his "demon's" started to show and I realized he needed help and he got on Meds and it helped him for some time.

But 2 yrs ago is when things really started to fall apart.

He had a GREAT job making good money (which he didn't like). He was fired for something he did - which is hard for me to forgive him for. Because to me, I feel he did it on purpose b/c he knew he could get fired.

He never got another job and we lost our great benifits. He started hanging with his friends who are not good for him, staying out late, or staying up late because he said he can't go to sleep, not getting up when he is suppose to go to work (he is working for me now at my business), etc., etc.

I had a talk with him and explained to him that he cannot continue with his distructive behavior and he says he knows and he will work on it. And for awile he is good and does things like he suppose to but, that doesn't last long. When I talked to him a few days ago he said he will be better but the last couple of days he has been just moping around. I told him that it's up to him to make things better and things aren't going to get better if he doesn't put forth any effort. But, it doesn't seem to sink in.

Why can't he understand that he's got to start acting responsible or doing "this" or "that" which is part of everyday living?

Or the outcome could be loosing me. Which he explains to me that he doesn't want to loose me and that I mean everything to him and he constantly tells me he loves me but, his actions (of not trying hard enough) show otherwise.

I am not a depressed person so it's hard for me to understand this whole depression thing.

And it is hard for me to live with someone like this and it makes me feel that it's not fair, for me, when I don't see him trying or acting like a 35 yr old. It has been a constant battle for the past two years and frankly it's getting old and tiresome.

I thought about therapy but the catch is our new Insurance does not cover such treatment for depression. And we don't have the money like we use to so that we can pay for it ourselves - which I'm sure can be expensive.

The other alternative is to make him go back to getting a job like he had before, which had great benefits and he can get better treatment. But, how do I convience him of that and make him get a job?

I have tried talking to friends but I just feel like they are getting tired of me complaining about him all the time and not knowing what advice to give me.

Just looking for some answers.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:12am
I want to appoligize now for what I may type to reply to your post but remember this is coming from someone who does suffer from bipolar disorder this is coming from someone who knows what it is like to have the hardest time doing "this" or doing "that", this is coming from someone who has to deal with a family that say just like you said "this is getting tired", this is coming from someone whos family thinks that you can justt snap out of it and get on with life.

I am going to tell you now that you can not just snap out of it and if that was the case then none of us would be here none of us would be on meds or going to therapy or seeing a shrink.

I know that it is hard for you to understand what it is like to be depressed to not be able to get out of bed and live the life you have been given I know you dont know what it is like to sink so low into yourself that you can not climb out I know you dont know what it is like to want to die to see no purpose in this world to feel that you dont matter that you are worthless that you are not worthy of love, so I do not blame you for your frustration.

In your post I could sence your anger and to be honest it angered me alot you seem to have a lack of understanding and knowledge of this disease, trust me it is far worse for the person suffering than for the people around them I am not saying that it isnt hard for the family and friends of someone who has this disease I know how hard it is on a family of a depressed person.

You need to educate yourself on this illness you need to read up on it as much as you can because if you have the same tone with your husband that you had in your post it is not going to help him at all, I understand that you are hurting and I am sure your love your husband but you need to try to understand what life is like for him.

When you are so low doing anything takes everything that you have inside of you taking a shower can be the most tiring thing you can do getting out of bed is a challenge, he isnt a child he is ill and he needs all the support he can get as do you also need alot of support.

Once again I am sorry for sounding so harsh but your post reminded me of the way my sister talk to me rather than trying to understand she snaps and you cant do that it just makes it far more worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 12:37pm
there are books availible for people living or dealing with others who have depression. i don't know the titles off handed, but am positive that if you check out bn.com you will able to find them. i looked there before when my husband (soon to ex) was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and attention deficient. i didn't end up ordering, because we ended up splitting up. he refused to take his meds, refused to stay in the home, etc. he was running around, on this manic spell, with other women, spending money we didn't have. there was just alot going on other than his illness. as far as in the insurance thing, my church offers counseling. not just religous based, but real drs. that 'donate' their time. it was on a sliding pay scale, so it was really want can you afford kind of a thing. i was $15 a session. it may be an idea to look into a support group for yourself, as you are going through alot yourself. it was hard for me to understand that he wasn't doing these things on purpose. it is easy to blame him, but if he is really sick that he can't help it. it is hard to understand that here is this man that you have known, this able bodied responsible guy who all of a sudden changed totally. i have heard mental illness is like being trapped in a prison, but it is all in your head. i wish you and your husband all the best. i wouldn't give up on him yet. try to help him. best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:22pm

Hi there!


Erin may be right that you need to be understanding of Depression and how it effects people so you may want to check out this site, http://www.maledepression.com/

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:34pm

We have a board called Families and Mental Illness: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhfamschiz
Perhaps it would be helpful to you.


Barb

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 1:12am
Thanks for all the advice. I am working on researching and understanding. Believe me I don't yell or give my Husband a harsh tone - I am a very easy going quiet person. When something gets to me I have a conversation with him and we discuss each others feelings.

Thanks Alot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:58pm
Hi! It's me...lyn1960. I hear what you're going through and I know you and I understand each other. It is very very very hard to watch someone you love go through this. I never understood depression until my husband was first diagnosed. I thought, "geez... everyone gets blue ..everyone gets down sometimes." but it's not that. I watched my active, loving husband turn into this person who couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It took MAJOR effort for him to get to the kitchen and have toast. In the first 4 months of his illness he lost 40 pounds!!! It was horrible to watch him go through it. That was almost 9 years ago. He, thank GOD, has never been that bad again but he's gone through rough patches numerous times.

We never had the insurance issue you guys have. Luckily, we figured out what was going on with him and got him on disability. He was on it for months but once he was feeling better, he was able to return to work. He has been on disability twice more over the years, with 2 different companies, but luckily he still has a job. He HATES it, but he has it.

I agree with one of the others who said you need to educate yourself and read up on depression and try to understand what he is going through. It's not his fault he is this way. It's like any other chronic disease. He's not doing this on purpose or to get you mad. I sometimes think they DO realize what they do to us and that only makes them feel worse. Unfortunetly, knowing what they are doing and being able to stop it are very different things.

Believe it or not, I have not sought a therapist since I last posted. I also haven't posted in awhile but when I saw your message I wanted to give you some support. Finding this board saved me last month. Just knowing I wasn't alone in this world of depression made me feel 1000 times better. I still have my days and God knows it's enough to drive you mad some days, but coming in here and reading the posts, even if you don't respond does really help. Please keep coming. Like I said, I may not post too much, but I read almost everyday and it DOES help!

I know how exhausting it can be and how hard it is to deal with him. I do it everyday. I find my biggest problem is I can not reconcile myself to the fact that I CAN NOT MAKE HIM HAPPY. Only HE can make HIM happy. Why then, does he have the ability to make ME so miserable?!?!? Someday, I'm going to figure that out! In the meantime, I ride an emotional rollercoaster every other day. He's in a decent mood today, we're laughing and planning something fun. The next morning, I wake up in the same good mood ready to have a good day only to find his mood has falled through the floor again, so down I go again too. Like I said, emotionally exhausting!!!

I don't really have an answer for you. I'm not sure anyone does. So, I'll give you the same advise the great people in here gave me. Take care of yourself. Try to see if your church or community have counseling for free. If that's not for you (I don't think it's for me either) just find the time to do something for yourself. Go get a massage... join the gym (I'm going to do this one!), go to a movie in the middle of the day just to get out of the house. You can not help him, only he can. But you can take care of YOU. Don't get lost in his depressed world.

Please write back! Take care of yourself

Lin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:50pm
I believe that there are usually community counseling services for people who cannot afford to have one. You might have to convince him though. Maybe his doasage should be raised. Glad you are trying to help him though. Depression is very hard to understand. Me, being only 13 have not quite figured it out yet. Therapy is usually a very effective treatment, when combined with medication. I don't know what else to say. Words aren't coming to me tonight. Just don't give up on him. He knows you care, even of he may not be showing it, and I am sure that he is thankful that there is someone there to help him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:50am
Hey lyn1960 - Thanks for your reply! My name is Linn too!

That is something else I am learning that there are no easy answers and it's not going to be an easy path ahead. But, I have not given up! It's amazing to me that my Husband has such a great "sence of humor" most of the time (which I like alot) - to me it seems odd coming from someone who is depressed.

I definately give myself time - I have become addictive to my new hobby of gardening (a great therapy & challenge).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 8:15am
That's so cool. I love gardening too but, unfortunely, here in Philadelphia January isn't yard weather. We got 5 inches of snow last night on top of ice and sleet and 4 inches left over from Monday. It's ok though. I've been studing all the spring seed catalogs I've been getting in the mail. It's fun to dream and plan for spring! It also helps take my mind off of other things. Hey, every little bit helps.

My husband started a cognitive behavior group therapy last week. It got cancelled last night because of the snow but he seemed to like it last week. It goes on for 8 weeks and I'm hoping when it's done he'll have learned some behavior techniques to get him through the down times. At least he's trying. It took some doing on my part to get him to go to a therapist. I've been suggesting it for years but it wasn't until he changed doctors and his new doctor recommended therapy that he really started to think about it. It's really too soon to tell what will come of it, but it's better than doing nothing. He wasn't too thrilled about a group. He's sorta allergic to people , but he seems to be doing ok. Like everything else with this illness, it's just a wait and see.

Where do you live? Can you get into your garden at this time of year?

Lin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 11:43am
I live in Louisiana so I have been able to get outside a good bit preparing and I have been making my planting beds larger so I can plant more! The weather here is crazy it get's in the 70's for a few days then a cold front comes through and drops to the 50's and then climbs to the 70's again. This year (so far) we haven't even had a light freeze.

Just a thought:

Would you be interested in my email or would you rather write through the board?

Linn

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