My Husband has Depression - Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
My Husband has Depression - Help!
36
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:18am
My main concern is how do I continue to deal with him?

I feel like I don't have a Husband but a Teenager in the the house.

I read a message sent in earlier by (lyn1960) and alot of what she said sounded so familar.

I feel like I have to constantly tell him what to do (take his meds, do chores, get up EVERY morning, etc. or he does NOTHING! No responsibility and has no motivation for doing anything "good", Why do I have to give him a list? Why can't he just do everyday chores without me reminding him?

We have been Married for 7 years and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago when his "demon's" started to show and I realized he needed help and he got on Meds and it helped him for some time.

But 2 yrs ago is when things really started to fall apart.

He had a GREAT job making good money (which he didn't like). He was fired for something he did - which is hard for me to forgive him for. Because to me, I feel he did it on purpose b/c he knew he could get fired.

He never got another job and we lost our great benifits. He started hanging with his friends who are not good for him, staying out late, or staying up late because he said he can't go to sleep, not getting up when he is suppose to go to work (he is working for me now at my business), etc., etc.

I had a talk with him and explained to him that he cannot continue with his distructive behavior and he says he knows and he will work on it. And for awile he is good and does things like he suppose to but, that doesn't last long. When I talked to him a few days ago he said he will be better but the last couple of days he has been just moping around. I told him that it's up to him to make things better and things aren't going to get better if he doesn't put forth any effort. But, it doesn't seem to sink in.

Why can't he understand that he's got to start acting responsible or doing "this" or "that" which is part of everyday living?

Or the outcome could be loosing me. Which he explains to me that he doesn't want to loose me and that I mean everything to him and he constantly tells me he loves me but, his actions (of not trying hard enough) show otherwise.

I am not a depressed person so it's hard for me to understand this whole depression thing.

And it is hard for me to live with someone like this and it makes me feel that it's not fair, for me, when I don't see him trying or acting like a 35 yr old. It has been a constant battle for the past two years and frankly it's getting old and tiresome.

I thought about therapy but the catch is our new Insurance does not cover such treatment for depression. And we don't have the money like we use to so that we can pay for it ourselves - which I'm sure can be expensive.

The other alternative is to make him go back to getting a job like he had before, which had great benefits and he can get better treatment. But, how do I convience him of that and make him get a job?

I have tried talking to friends but I just feel like they are getting tired of me complaining about him all the time and not knowing what advice to give me.

Just looking for some answers.






iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 12:58pm
We could do either, I suppose. But if we post through the board, we may be helping others who have spouses with the same problem. That is, after all, what everyone is here for, dealing with depression, eh?

How is your husband feeling, by the way? You didn't say what type of meds is he on? My husband takes Welbutrin. He was on Zoloft for a few months but it didn't seem to help much and he gained a ton of weight. Now THAT put him in a good mood, NOT! I don't understand pharmacutical (sp?) companies. You have a depressed person and you develope a medication that makes them gain tons of weight. Now that's really going to help their depression!!

Lin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:55pm
He started on Zoloft and it was great for about a year and then it didn't work so good when he went through a rough time (2 years ago) of loosing his job and I was very upset with him back then so I don't know if maybe the Zoloft was also starting to wear off. Come to think of it he did gain weight but I'm not exactly sure if that was when he started the Zoloft(???) He switched to Effexor but it took about 6 months before he starting feeling better and I don't know if the meds play a roll but things in general were calming down and he felt better. I just don't know if Effexor is right for him or not. He was feeling nausea almost everyday about 6 months ago but now he doesn't get it as often.

It could be from nervous stomach and not eating too well.

And he doesn't sleep at night - Is that common also with people with Depression?

He says he feels better and things in general are good this week. And we will see how he is over the next couple of weeks and if he definately decides to try to change meds he will go to our regular Dr. for a percription.

I am also in the process of trying to find a therapist that we can get a discount rate from - since we would have to pay out of pocket.

Gardening - This past Fall I tried to grow Violas from seed and it was successful! So I have a new passion of growing just about everything from seeds. I started a bunch of seeds (annuals, vegetables & Herbs) not knowing how they will do and they are ALL coming up. That's why I am making my beds larger because I think I will not be in short supply of things to plant this Spring.

Linn





iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 9:05pm

Hi, (((((Linn)))))!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 3:10pm
Sorry I have't written back for a bit. We've been going through it a bit here this week and I've been preoccuppied.

I don't know much about meds. My husband was taking the Zoloft and Wellbutrin at the same time. His first phyciatrist had him on both but his second thought he was over medicated and took him off the Zoloft. He had to change because his first doctor was retiring. He's never tried Effexor.

Yes, depressed people do have trouble sleeping especially if they are the type to worry alot. My husband worrys about EVERYTHING and when the depression is in force, he worries even more, hence, no sleep. The less sleep, the more worry, the more worry, the less sleep, it's a vicious cycle.

Is your husband seeing a phyciatrist or is he getting his meds from your "regular doctor"? Regular doctors aren't always the best for this type of thing, especially if it's been going on for a long time. I know you have insurance issues, but he should really be seeing a specialist not just the family doctor. Nothing against your doctor, but it's sorta like if your foot keeps hurting 4 years later, it might be time to see the foot doctor, ya know?

On a happier note, I just LOVE growing plants and flowers from seed. It really makes you feel like it's your own creation in the garden and it sure is cheaper than buying grown plants. I CAN'T wait for spring. 12 degrees here again today!

Lin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:01am
Hi Linn, from a fellow gardener! (In south Florida, so the ecosystem's a *little* different). Anyway, I want to recommend a book to you called _Depression Fallout_ by Anne Sheffield. It's written primiarily for the person with a partner suffering from depression, helping understand what they're going through and how to cope. It's very informative about depression and its effect in relationships. This book immensely helped my boyfriend to understand my own depression, what I was experiencing, etc. Simultaneously, it helped me to better understand what I was going through, myself (I'd never been to a psychologist and knew very little about the disease), and also how it was affecting my partner. From our experience, anyway, this book was an excellent guide for our two different parties in this depression battle. I'm not as bad as I was during that time, but it's due in large part to me actively taking the wheel and steering the wheel down my desired course, i.e., toward healing by incorporating things that are positive for me in my life. It's both an individual and mutual effort in a partnership. I do recommend this book, though, and even if you don't check into it, I wish you and your husband so much luck through this rough process. I hope you both come out stronger and with deeper love as you battle this demon.

Love and sunshine,

Marissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 5:56pm
You've become more of a mother and a boss rather than a wife. Depression is very difficult to deal with, many in my family have it and some quite severely. I would start with reading about depression but in addition seeking some quality suppport for yourself. In general, I find I can't change others, I can only work on who I am and what is important to me. This sometimes means making decisions I have not planned on making or providing support in ways that I have previously not been doing (for your self or for him). Your not responsible for others actions and nothing can be changed as far as the past. How can you best take care of yourself? and What is it you are truely wanting?

Hope that this is some helpful food for thought.

Avatar for katieiswaiting
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 9:27pm
I could have written your posting because your situation is so parallel to what I experienced with my husband. I can say without a doubt that "I know how you feel", and I also know what you "don't feel".

We were married for 19 yrs, and I knew up front that he was bipolar. He tried almost every medicine on the market but none worked. He went from a great paying job to minimum wage, and finally to Social Security Disability. He couldn't hold a job for the same reasons as your husband: either he quit because he said he was being picked on, etc., or he was fired.

I too became resentful of having to be the sole bread winner, and of having to constantly "watch" him to ensure he took his meds, ate right, and got out of bed to take a shower. I took on the 'mother' role and that was fine with him. While I was out earning a living, he was out spending it, but he always had an excuse...he was compulsive, it wasn't his fault...blah, blah, blah. He never took responsibility for his illness or his actions. In fact, he "played" with his meds...if he started to feel a little better he'd stop taking them to avoid the terrible side effects, then he'd start to feel depressed again and adjust the dosages himself...on and on, and hardly paid any attention to his doctors.

During our time together he attempted suicide no less than a dozen times - - some were a cry for help, and some were a form of emotional blackmail to get his way. After you "emotionally bury" someone over and over again, you end up numb and unfeeling. You begin to question your own sanity and feelings. During the latter part of our marriage I drove home from work not knowing if I'd find him dead or alive; that wasn't living, it was merely existing.

There were many times I actually prayed he'd die in his sleep so the nightmare would end for both of us.

I completely lost whatever identity I had and lived through him, and for him. Everything I thought and did was centered around him and how he felt. I believed if I could make things perfect for him, he'd feel better, and in turn our marriage would be better and I could be happy again too.

Like you, I was always an optimistic person. But depression is contagious and eventually you get sucked into the vortex. I ended up feeling emotionally paralyzed and had little phyical energy. Yet I'd go to work with a smile on my face and a happy attitude and no one was the wiser. I literally lived two lives.

During the last 4 yrs of our marriage he began drinking heavily, and his excuse was that it made him feel better. Unfortunately, when you mix booze with Prozac it makes you want to commit suicide, it's involuntary. He ended up a loose cannon.

In 1999 he was awarded S/S Disability due to the depression and at first it seemed things might work out okay; he no longer had to work, and we had the S/S check coming in every month. Because his work-related stress was gone, he stopped sleeping all weekend long and we started to enjoy activities out-of-doors and our marriage really started to improve. He started getting interested in a few hobbies.

Sadly though it didn't last...after about 6 months of being on disability he began to feel like a failure and started drinking again. I'm come home from work at lunch and he'd already be drunk, when I got home after work he'd be passed out from all the booze and I wouldn't see him again until the next day. (We'd stopped sleeping in the same room because he'd want to keep me up all night with his tirads and then expect me to work the next day while he slept)

The worst happened when he turned on me, it was a push-pull type domestic violence, but it was so terrifying that to this day, nearly 4 yrs later, I'm still suffering from the effects of that night. The nightmares are still with me and I still look over my shoulder to make sure he isn't after me. He attacked me because I told him I wanted a divorce, and at first he cried and begged and told me that I was the only person who loved him, understood him, and kept him alive.

The things that transpired between us could fill a book, and I know it may take me many years, if not the rest of my life, to heal from effects of living with him.

We divorced in 2001 and like an idiot I gave in and saw him several times after the divorce, but each visit ended up a disaster. I suffered from 'approach-avoidance' conflict, meaning I'd miss him terribly when we were apart, and then as soon as he walked in the door I'd want him out of my life again. The ambivalence I demonstrated was not healthy for either of us. I haven't seen him for over a year and a half, and the last phone conversation we had was over 9 months ago.

I am just now starting to have feelings again, I was numb inside and didn't even cry when I heard sad news about someone, it was as though I'd completely shut down.

I'm still terrified of men and haven't dated yet, and I could care less if I'm ever with another man. I just don't trust anymore. Someday that may change, but for now I am content living alone and not having to walk on eggshells in my own home. I'm stuck with thousands of dollars of credit card bills he ran up, but at least I now control the money and while I'm earning it, no one else is out spending it.

What you decide to do is of course up to you. Friends tried to warn me before I married him, and even after we were married, but I never listened because I felt they just didn't understand. In the end, all the friendships I'd had ended because the only life I had was with my husband.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better, but we both know it doesn't work that way.

We fell in love with the wrong guy and thought we were doing the right thing.

So, to answer your question, How do you deal with it? You either give up your life and become his caretaker and be content with that arrangement, or you move on. You can get outside hobbies, have a social life with friends, but you still have to come home to him, and there is your reality. Counseling will help you to understand why you are with him in the first place, and you can educate yourself about depression, but in the final analysis...what you have with him is your life. All the outside activities you can participate in won't cure his depression. He has a mental disease, and until he takes full responsibilty for his illness, it won't get better.

Katie





Edited 2/4/2004 9:33:39 PM ET by katieiswaiting

Edited 2/4/2004 9:36:33 PM ET by katieiswaiting


Edited 2/4/2004 9:41:10 PM ET by katieiswaiting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:32am
i understand what you are saying, but it's hard to get your husband out of the depressed state that he's in. you should try a doctor's help; they would know what to do and what medical if any is needed. i went through the same thing. i fought hard not to take medication. i was doing more harm to myself and falling deeper into depression. i learnt that everyone needs a little help.no one person can give you all the answer. the best thing i can say is just listen don't try to fix it; just let him know you are there for him. i know it's easy for me to say. just know that if you yourself need a shoulder you can e-mail me. depression is hard to deal with by yourself as a wife.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:20pm
Thanks everyone for all your suggestions and answers!

Lin - Right now he is getting his Meds from a Reg. Dr. and for the last couple of weeks everything has been good.

Marissa - I will definitly check out that book.

Katie - Yeah, your post rang sooo many bells! I went through a period were I was numb to having any feelings what-so-ever toward him and me sitting there watching him cry and beg and it didn't even bring a tear to my eye. Now I don't know if the feelings are real or me just trying to convience myself to have these feelings (of Love) to stay with him. Last week I hid all the booze in the house and haven't noticed him drinking anything. He never drank everyday but he does go through some spells every now & then.

I never had a problem with him going on shopping sprees. But, he did go through time and time again of buying things to make him happy - but it only lasted for a short time. He would go ALL OUT and get into something like FOR EXAMPLE: buying a Motorcycle But, he couldn't be happy with JUST the bike he had to buy EVERY accessory to "fix up" the bike until he couldn't do anything more to it. Then after awile he doesn't even hardly touch the bike and was talking lately about selling it. Well, now that he doesn't have a job he totally is not allowed to buy anything. So, I'm sure that is causing these other behaviors I haven't seen him do before b/c I am neglecting him from buying things.

I definately haven't lost my identity in fact over the past 8 years I have become a stronger person who doesn't like to put up with bull---- and have made a point (to him) that I am not going to! While over the years he has become weaker.

Why am I with him? #1 he stuck around - I didn't have good luck with dating. #2 When I first met him and over the first 2 yrs of knowing him he was great and he actually did alot of things in general - in fact we gutted and remodeled a house together. I just feel over the past 5 years he has been slipping and showing this other side of him I never knew - and I definately don't like.

I read this book my friend gave to me and showed what makes someone happy in a relationship - and mine was "acts of service" that when someone does "things" for me I feel Loved. Well, with that knowledge how in the hell am I suppose to have a relationship with a depressed person?

Linn




Avatar for katieiswaiting
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:37pm
Linn, I'm glad you feel strong. One thing that concerns me is you having to take responsibility for "hiding the booze"; you're not his keeper, or shouldn't be. Also, since he's getting meds from other than a psychiatrist, who is counseling him? Meds alone are not sufficient.

A hard lesson I learned from playing the "savior" role, was that I was "controlling" him; at first when the therapist told me that, I was defensive and angry at such an accusation. Then once I cooled down and really thought about it, I knew she was right. By me taking so much responsibility for him and taking charge of everything that we should have shared, I was ensuring he would realize how much he needs me and never want to leave - - guaranteeing I'd have a man in my life. Also, I was doing him a disservice by not allowing him to grow up and learn how to take care of himself. So, yes, I was a control-freak and never knew it.

Katie