My Husband has Depression - Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
My Husband has Depression - Help!
36
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:18am
My main concern is how do I continue to deal with him?

I feel like I don't have a Husband but a Teenager in the the house.

I read a message sent in earlier by (lyn1960) and alot of what she said sounded so familar.

I feel like I have to constantly tell him what to do (take his meds, do chores, get up EVERY morning, etc. or he does NOTHING! No responsibility and has no motivation for doing anything "good", Why do I have to give him a list? Why can't he just do everyday chores without me reminding him?

We have been Married for 7 years and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago when his "demon's" started to show and I realized he needed help and he got on Meds and it helped him for some time.

But 2 yrs ago is when things really started to fall apart.

He had a GREAT job making good money (which he didn't like). He was fired for something he did - which is hard for me to forgive him for. Because to me, I feel he did it on purpose b/c he knew he could get fired.

He never got another job and we lost our great benifits. He started hanging with his friends who are not good for him, staying out late, or staying up late because he said he can't go to sleep, not getting up when he is suppose to go to work (he is working for me now at my business), etc., etc.

I had a talk with him and explained to him that he cannot continue with his distructive behavior and he says he knows and he will work on it. And for awile he is good and does things like he suppose to but, that doesn't last long. When I talked to him a few days ago he said he will be better but the last couple of days he has been just moping around. I told him that it's up to him to make things better and things aren't going to get better if he doesn't put forth any effort. But, it doesn't seem to sink in.

Why can't he understand that he's got to start acting responsible or doing "this" or "that" which is part of everyday living?

Or the outcome could be loosing me. Which he explains to me that he doesn't want to loose me and that I mean everything to him and he constantly tells me he loves me but, his actions (of not trying hard enough) show otherwise.

I am not a depressed person so it's hard for me to understand this whole depression thing.

And it is hard for me to live with someone like this and it makes me feel that it's not fair, for me, when I don't see him trying or acting like a 35 yr old. It has been a constant battle for the past two years and frankly it's getting old and tiresome.

I thought about therapy but the catch is our new Insurance does not cover such treatment for depression. And we don't have the money like we use to so that we can pay for it ourselves - which I'm sure can be expensive.

The other alternative is to make him go back to getting a job like he had before, which had great benefits and he can get better treatment. But, how do I convience him of that and make him get a job?

I have tried talking to friends but I just feel like they are getting tired of me complaining about him all the time and not knowing what advice to give me.

Just looking for some answers.






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 12:21pm
Katie,

We are in the process of finding a therapist that we can afford.



I definately am NOT going to CONTRIBUTE to his "Distructive Behavior" until he comes to learn this on his own. If he wants to go out on his own to get alcohol (when he "needs" it) that is the only way he is going to get it - he is not going to get it from me.

This is how I look at this whole situation I am in:

Yes, I do have contol of "everything" around the house and my business pays all the bills. BUT - that ONLY prooves to myself that I can do it ALL on my own and I DON'T NEED HIM!!!

NOT - how much he needs me!

So, if things are tried and he doesn't change himself for the better then all this "practice" is only showing me that I CAN do it all WITHOUT HIM!

I let it be known to my Husband that I do not want to be his "Mother" or "Caretaker" for the rest of our lives - and I am not happy with how things are right now . And that he is the one who has to take charge and change himself because me or no one else is going to do it for him. And if things DON'T change, for the better, then he will loose me.

So, I guess the ultimate choice is his to make!



Avatar for katieiswaiting
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:45pm
As far as affording a therapist, I can't speak for your community, but most have mental health departments offering counseling on a sliding scale.

You're the one in charge of everything, including your husband. I understand how it validates you being able to care for yourself, however you still need to 'cut the cord' and not take responsibility for his depression. And as it stands now, you're not taking care of you...you're babysitting him.

This is real life, not a practice-run; if you're unhappy with him then you're the one who must make the decision how you want to live your life. What you have right now is your future, or worse.

Even though you told him you don't want to be his mother/caretaker, he's not taking you seriously because you've already made it clear you'll clean up after him. All you're doing is making empty threats. The ultimate choice is your's because you're at the helm and he's just going along for the ride.

If he was serious about taking charge of his life it would have happened by now.

Katie



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 7:13pm
Katie - I know! I know!

I feel everything you are saying but, it's so confusing!

And there are so many things to consider then to just totally give up.

Katie,

I am shifting the rest of my answer under the new post that was started about DH so we won't have two going at once.




Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:04pm
I saw your post from the ivillage main board and have read some of the responses. I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts, because my DH also has suffered from depression for as long as I've known him (more than half our lives - we are both 41).

It can be extremely hard to figure out where to draw the line between your giving help and your requiring that he take some responsibility. I am fortunate in that my DH, who was a psychology major and worked in social services his whole career before becoming a SAHD 8 years ago, is very open to counseling and knows that it can improve things dramatically if you are honest. Many men resist improving their situation because it means they will have to admit that something is wrong in the first place.

I didn't understand the signs of depression when my DH and I were young - we met when we were 20. I thought he just needed to "get over it" and get a job if he wasn't going to stick with going to school. For a long time we didn't really have to face his depression, but it was an unspoken "thing" in the background. It surfaced when I was pregnant with my 2nd and found myself having to do *everything* - work/commute 13 hours a day, grocery shop, cook, manage the very tight finances, arrange all child care, everything, while he sat on his butt when he wasn't working at a job that turned out to be awful for him. I insisted that we go for counseling together, and I learned that, unintentionally, I was worsening his depression by NOT insisting that he do more of his share - the more competent I seemed, the more useless he felt. It was an eye-opener.

His depression abated for a few years, though it was always worse in the winter, and I learned to spot the warning signs - too much sleeping, not doing errands and chores, etc. It got seriously bad when we had our third child 5 years after the second. On the surface, he was coping, but he wouldn't do anything unless I was standing over him. Finally he fessed up that he really needed to talk to someone - but I had to make the appointment. Once he found a therapist he liked, things started improving.

What I've learned about depression is that it is a downward spiral. My DH wouldn't feel like doing something he knew he should do, and rather than making himself do it, he'd avoid it. Then, of course, it got worse. Then he'd feel incompetent and stupid. Then I'd get angry. Then he'd feel even more incompetent and stupid. Now that both of us can identify when he is starting to spiral down, we talk about it. Sometimes he asks for help, sometimes I can tell he needs it. Being "nice" to him never works. When he is depressed, he needs tough love - and my kids would be the first to tell you that I'm good at giving "tough love." ;) He also needs opportunities to succeed at what he does well outside of being a SAHD (and despite his depression, he has always been a *terrific* SAHD) - namely, competitive tennis and cooking.

I think that in your situation, no matter what, I would pay for counseling. Your marriage, your husband, and your sanity are worth it. There are non-profits that can help you. I would go into a certain amount of debt, if necessary, to pay for it. It's entirely possible that your DH's therapist will want to see you too, to understand the family dynamic (my DH's didn't this time, but we had gone together for a while before we got married, too).

I wish you luck.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:06pm
What's SAHD?

He definately admits what he has is Depression and he says he wants help.

I am given him "tough love" now - I no longer do for him.

I told him it's in his hands now to improve his life and take on his responsibility because I can't and I won't do it for him.

Let me ask you one question: For all the help your Husband has gotten over the years how has things improved?

Has he become more responsible? Or is that still a struggle for him sometimes?

Linn

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:19am
I am finally beginning to understand about worsening things by trying to "help". I have been trying for years to make his life at home "less stressful". I felt since I had no control over his work atmosphere the least I could do is make it easier at home. His depression has stayed pretty constant over the years while I'm beginning to fall apart. His depression fluctuates between being not so bad (but, as you say, an unspoken "thing" in the background) to so bad he's about to quit his job.

I think I am luckier than some though. I mean, he is NEVER EVER abusive or destructive. He does not belittle me or blame me for anything. He doesn't do many of the things I have read about on the boards. Maybe it's because he's not manic. He does do some things around the house but since I work part time, many things I just do because I'm there, not because he hasn't done them. He's always been really good about his meds too. It does bother him that he has to take them but he does it. On occasion he might forget to take his 2nd pill in the middle of his work day but, as far as I can tell, this is not an "I'm not taking my meds" type of thing. I have suggested he set his watch alarm for the pill time to make it easier to remember. I think that's working out ok.

He is currently in the middle of an 8 week group on Cognitive Behavior Therapy which he seems to enjoy. He has been doing his excercises every day and he says they do seem to work to reduce his strees and help him to relax. Last week I asked him about his one on one sessions with the therapist after the group ends. He says "well, I'll have to think about that". I said "what is that supposed to mean?". He says "once the group is over, I'll have the tools necessary to try to handle the stress. What is more therapy going to do? Sometimes you run out of thins to say and it's uncomfortable". I said to him, "do you mean to tell me that you are willing to jeopardise (sp?) your job, your marriage, your relationship with your daughter, your LIFE because you don't want to sit there for 30 minutes and be "uncomfortable"!?!?!? He just shrugged.

I thought about this for a few days and finally this weekend, while we were in a good (semi) mood and enjoying the Sunday paper, I spoke to him. This is what I said....

"You know I love you. I have told you so more times than I can count and I have showed it to you all these years through your illness. I have a deal for you. I will continue to love you with all my heart. I will continue to support you emotionally and even financially if there is no other choice. I will continue to try to be as understanding, supportive and patient as I can. Your part of this deal is you will agree to go to therapy. If the therapist says he wants to see you once a month or once a week, no matter how "uncomfortable" you feel, you will go. If you do not keep your end of this bargin, we will have to reassess this situation. You know you are the breath in my lungs and it will kill me to break up what we have, but I WILL NOT live like this for 30 more years. The choice is yours."

What do you think??

Lin

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:15am
Good questions.

SAHD = Stay at home dad. DH quit his job to stay home with the kids 8 years ago, when our girls were 3 and 1. We now have 3 kids who are 11, 9, and 3.

You asked how things have improved. I can pinpoint specific times when things improved remarkably, and they all have to do with him feeling competent and communicative. Sometimes that involved therapy, sometimes it didn't. He drifted around a lot for the first several years we were together, and the first time I saw him really "get it together" was when he got a job in a new social services program where he had major input. I think we were 26 and had been together for 6 years at that point. I don't think it was coincidence that he got this job *after* he moved out of his parents' house and into an apartment with me in another state, and he had to start standing on his own two feet.

That was the start of a series of "good" events. I got some counseling for a back-burner issue of mine, and he came with me, at the therapist's request. While in counseling, we got engaged, and soon after I finished therapy and we got married. He was accepted into a good university for a program that *he* wanted, rather than something someone else had decided on for him. We had a baby and our marriage got even stronger. It wasn't until I was pregnant with #2 and he found himself in a job that was all wrong for him that things started going downhill.

We went to therapy *together* and that's when I finally realized that he was actually depressed and had been fighting it for the whole 12 years we'd known each other. When he was able to make good choices that required him to be competent, he did well. At that point, he was in a bad job, we were living with his parents, I was pregnant - bad combination. I learned that I needed to be tougher on him and not jump in and save him. He learned that he could say how he felt and I wouldn't get angry at him.

That was a major turning point for us. We learned to communicate better, for one thing, so when he started feeling his usual winter funk, we could talk about it without him feeling threatened or me feeling angry. When he started showing signs of serious, sustained, non-seasonal depression after our son was born, we were able to talk about it.

Therapy helped him a lot. I don't know what he discussed with his therapist, but I know it wasn't our marriage or family - he told me many times that those were the bright things that kept him going. I think he had issues with motivation, with family always doing things for him (i.e. enabling him), with insecurity, and so on. But they were his issues, not our issues. He saw a therapist for several months, from fall 2002 to spring 2003, and has been much different since then. He has refused to succumb to his usual winter funk this year, and I credit therapy with giving him the tools. He is not on medication.

He used to be very irresponsible - before he had things to be responsible for. He has been a very responsible husband and parent. He has never gone out drinking without me, ignored the children, or anything like that. Having things to be responsible for is one of the keys to his not being overwhelmed by depression. If he knows people are counting on him, he will pull through. That is what builds a feeling of competence for him and helps him climb out of his depression.

Kelly

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:20am
I don't know your whole situation, but I think that is reasonable. In some ways, living with a depressed person is like living with an alcoholic. You can be understanding, but that doesn't mean you enable them or allow them to ruin your life. At some point they have to take responsibility or accept the consequences if they don't. My DH was willing to go for marriage counseling 12 years ago because his depression had led me to utter my own D-word - divorce - and neither of us really wanted that. But I had gotten to that classic turning point - "are you better off with him or without him?" - and at that point I couldn't answer the question the way I wanted to.

Now I can't imagine life without him, and I cry every time he spends his annual weekend away from the family! Being tough on him - on us - and forcing us both to therapy made a huge, huge difference in our lives.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:22am
I think that sounds good - and it's a start.

Maybe assign him to one or two chores and tell him they are his responsiblity.

My DH sounds about like yours.

I am still struggling to hang in there. He's switching Meds so he hasn't been feeling good and is in a down mood. But I still tell him if something bothers me. I am not going to hold it in and not talk to him about it.

How's the book going?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:41am
The books going fine. There is soooo much information in there that I have gone back to the beginning with a highlighter to be sure I can remember all the things I think are important.