My Husband has Depression - Help!
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My Husband has Depression - Help!
| Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:18am |
My main concern is how do I continue to deal with him?
I feel like I don't have a Husband but a Teenager in the the house.
I read a message sent in earlier by (lyn1960) and alot of what she said sounded so familar.
I feel like I have to constantly tell him what to do (take his meds, do chores, get up EVERY morning, etc. or he does NOTHING! No responsibility and has no motivation for doing anything "good", Why do I have to give him a list? Why can't he just do everyday chores without me reminding him?
We have been Married for 7 years and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago when his "demon's" started to show and I realized he needed help and he got on Meds and it helped him for some time.
But 2 yrs ago is when things really started to fall apart.
He had a GREAT job making good money (which he didn't like). He was fired for something he did - which is hard for me to forgive him for. Because to me, I feel he did it on purpose b/c he knew he could get fired.
He never got another job and we lost our great benifits. He started hanging with his friends who are not good for him, staying out late, or staying up late because he said he can't go to sleep, not getting up when he is suppose to go to work (he is working for me now at my business), etc., etc.
I had a talk with him and explained to him that he cannot continue with his distructive behavior and he says he knows and he will work on it. And for awile he is good and does things like he suppose to but, that doesn't last long. When I talked to him a few days ago he said he will be better but the last couple of days he has been just moping around. I told him that it's up to him to make things better and things aren't going to get better if he doesn't put forth any effort. But, it doesn't seem to sink in.
Why can't he understand that he's got to start acting responsible or doing "this" or "that" which is part of everyday living?
Or the outcome could be loosing me. Which he explains to me that he doesn't want to loose me and that I mean everything to him and he constantly tells me he loves me but, his actions (of not trying hard enough) show otherwise.
I am not a depressed person so it's hard for me to understand this whole depression thing.
And it is hard for me to live with someone like this and it makes me feel that it's not fair, for me, when I don't see him trying or acting like a 35 yr old. It has been a constant battle for the past two years and frankly it's getting old and tiresome.
I feel like I don't have a Husband but a Teenager in the the house.
I read a message sent in earlier by (lyn1960) and alot of what she said sounded so familar.
I feel like I have to constantly tell him what to do (take his meds, do chores, get up EVERY morning, etc. or he does NOTHING! No responsibility and has no motivation for doing anything "good", Why do I have to give him a list? Why can't he just do everyday chores without me reminding him?
We have been Married for 7 years and it wasn't until about 4-5 years ago when his "demon's" started to show and I realized he needed help and he got on Meds and it helped him for some time.
But 2 yrs ago is when things really started to fall apart.
He had a GREAT job making good money (which he didn't like). He was fired for something he did - which is hard for me to forgive him for. Because to me, I feel he did it on purpose b/c he knew he could get fired.
He never got another job and we lost our great benifits. He started hanging with his friends who are not good for him, staying out late, or staying up late because he said he can't go to sleep, not getting up when he is suppose to go to work (he is working for me now at my business), etc., etc.
I had a talk with him and explained to him that he cannot continue with his distructive behavior and he says he knows and he will work on it. And for awile he is good and does things like he suppose to but, that doesn't last long. When I talked to him a few days ago he said he will be better but the last couple of days he has been just moping around. I told him that it's up to him to make things better and things aren't going to get better if he doesn't put forth any effort. But, it doesn't seem to sink in.
Why can't he understand that he's got to start acting responsible or doing "this" or "that" which is part of everyday living?
Or the outcome could be loosing me. Which he explains to me that he doesn't want to loose me and that I mean everything to him and he constantly tells me he loves me but, his actions (of not trying hard enough) show otherwise.
I am not a depressed person so it's hard for me to understand this whole depression thing.
And it is hard for me to live with someone like this and it makes me feel that it's not fair, for me, when I don't see him trying or acting like a 35 yr old. It has been a constant battle for the past two years and frankly it's getting old and tiresome.
I thought about therapy but the catch is our new Insurance does not cover such treatment for depression. And we don't have the money like we use to so that we can pay for it ourselves - which I'm sure can be expensive.
The other alternative is to make him go back to getting a job like he had before, which had great benefits and he can get better treatment. But, how do I convience him of that and make him get a job?
I have tried talking to friends but I just feel like they are getting tired of me complaining about him all the time and not knowing what advice to give me.
Just looking for some answers.

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BUMP!
Blessings,
co-CL of Depression Support
HE HAS TO FIND THE "TRUTH"! the truth differs from person to person but is the emotional perpose of the being. this is an idealistic statement and is rather abstract but you husband might know what i am saying. (his perpose in life is to please you and if he does not forfill this goal then he is a waste of active chi and is saping the ecosystem) you husband has to find his perpose and forfill it, and be sure to tell him that you love him and look deep into his eyes and remember what brough you together... tell him any thing i said above or none of it (more than likely he doesnt know you are seeking help) but remember, remember...THE "TRUTH" WILL SET HIM FREE! (if you like then you can email me at nanbr@shentel.net )
Hi there!
I hate to call you Uglyboy cause I bet your NOT at all!
I wanted to thank you for trying to help lwal and her husband, You sound like a wonderfully smart young man.
You do also sound like you have a lot on YOUR plate right now too hun, and I hope that you can find someone to talk to about all of this!
*hugs
My father is a cancer survivor, and even when he was sick, she still tended to feel as though she was the only one in the house, as if it was all about her and no one else (not even my father). By this time, we were a little out of high school and she had two children that everyone BUT her was raising, and yet we still had to constantly tell her that she was a good mother or else she'd threaten suicide. One thing that still angers me ot this day is that she would go to my father in bed, when he was sick, and tell him all about her emotional ups and downs, and how she wanted to kill herself, and this and that, and she'd repeat it over and over like a broken record. My father didn't feel like hearing it. He was going through chemo, and the chemo drained his energy.
At one point during my father's illness, I had had it, and exploded at her. Whatever protective shell was around me, I broke it. After that, we started fighting. I tried to physically keep her away from my father, because I was convinced she would kill him. Well, my father miraculously went into remission, and has been now for almost 5 years thank God. But the fights between my sis and I never stopped. I kept defending myself, and she kept ranting and raving that I was making her depressed, all of her problems all of a sudden became my fault. Since my mother didn't like it when I tried to defend myself, I was constantly in trouble, even though by this point I was a legal adult.
It amounted to us having a family meeting, and everyone except me voting for me to leave town. It wouldn't have been good enough if I just moved out, in town. I had to leave town, period.
When I asked my mother where I would go, she replied, "It's a big world out there, take your pick". So within the next couple weeks, I quit my job as a waitress, had a garage sale, packed up my car with whatever I needed, and got on the interstate and started driving. I drove and drove and drove, through different states and many cities. It was actually a very wonderful experience. I ended up 1500 miles away from home, and started a new life here. Moving here was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The landscape and climate here is very different, so every time I step outside, I am reminded that I am someplace new. I quickly got a job, started going to a church, which I later left, and quickly met a man and fell in love. We're now married, and I'm finally able to go back to college. I had to drop out when my family told me to leave town.
If it was my husband, I don't know what I would do. My husband is a very soft gentle person, and not evil like my sister, so if he were depressed, he'd be more of an introvert instead of an abuser and manipulator, so I'd probably feel a little more empathetic towards him. Is your husband on any kinds of medication? The only thing I would probably think to suggest is to get him on meds, and probably some kind of depression support group. My sister used to go to one and I even went with her once. It's kind of like Alcoholic's anonymous, but without the alcohol part.
I might get in trouble for saying this, but when people go to other people and threaten suicide, what are the actual odds that they really want to do it and are not trying for attention? If they were that desparate and really wanted to do it, they would not care what another person thought, and would not be hinting at you to talk them out of it. Don't tell your husband, "Oh, you just want attention", because that will make it worse, but just assume it, and give him a lot of positive attention.
Good luck and tell us what happens.
Update...
I actually wrote the other day (on another post) that my Dh's meds seem do be doing ALITTLE bit better. He had one good day! And he's not as sick everyday.
Two weeks ago I was really ready to ask him to leave - I had definately reached my breaking point BUT just something deep down just wouldn't let me do it. He is defiantley a quiet person and does not veribaly abuse me and is actually a "good" person. His major down fall is that D makes him do selfish things and he has no motivation to get things done.
Well, when I told him it was over for me it had slowly seeped into his head that I was serious and he asked me if I would give it some more time and let his meds kick in and he will try real hard to get things done for me around the house. The last two weeks have improved (taking baby steps) and some things were crossed off the "to do" list.
He has acknowledged and he understands what he must do to keep our relationship going - he just tells me it's hard for him BUT he's trying.
That's were we are...basically waiting, hoping and fighting "it" as well as we can.
I can honestly say I still don't know how I truly feel about living with my DH. I am struggling inside just as much as he is (but about different issues).
I guess it all comes down to is that I want to make sure I give him all the chances and I can say that I did everything I could to help him. And if it works out great...and if it doesn't I won't have any regrets in making a final decision.
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