Dissociating from my depressed self?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Dissociating from my depressed self?
2
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 1:21am
Hi again, I'm here with a question. I saw my therapist today for the first time in a good while, and as I had expected, it did bring back memories of the "old" me, the depressed and hopeless me. I realized, as did my therapist, that I somehow assumed a totally different personality for my interviews, non-depressed and motivated...and this life of therapy sessions and pain and anxiety seems foreign to me now.

I don't mean that I simply feel happier...just that I think I purposefully dissociated somewhat for my interviews, since I doubted anyone would want to admit an obviously depressed person into medical school. So I guess my question is, has anyone else had this experience of adopting a new persona, so much so that now I feel as though I have two separate lives, that I am two separate people? I know that this isn't at all as serious as something like DID or MPD, in which people actually do have more than one "alter ego," but still, I wonder what is going on with me.

My therapist talked with me a while about how suppressing emotions completely isn't a good thing in the long term, and that it's often not even possible. And I don't know how long I would be able to maintain my "happy" self...probably not for the whole 4 years of med school. But the strange thing is, I feel like during my interviews, I actually became a different person...I had close to zero anxiety and appeared (I think) outgoing and self-confident...I even had a lot of trouble believing that I was the same person who had been going to therapy 3 times a week.

So I feel a bit like I'm leading two different lives...and I worry about whether I will be able to keep my "depressed" life a secret from those who know only the "normal" me. For example, during one of my interviews, I got a note that a psychiatrist at the med school wanted to speak with me...and my heart dropped...I thought I'd been "found out" and that the doctor knew about my psychiatric history and would keep me out of med school. It turned out that we just had some common interests and he wanted to meet me... and try to convince me to come to that med school if I got accepted (I was accepted the next day!). But still, it felt like a close call.

And going back to therapy today was a bit of a shock...after therapy, I felt much more depressed than I had beforehand, and I didn't get anything done the rest of the day. I had been trying to exercise more (like an hour a day) to get rid of the weight I've gained...but I didn't even do any exercise today.

And I also had a follow-up appointment today with my general practictioner...he asked me about my depression, and I said I was trying to avoid it...he told me it would still be there under the surface. I also got weighed and found out that I'd gained more weight than I'd thought...so now I am tempted to try to starve myself back to being more underweight...I am so disgusted by myself.

So now it's late at night and I'm hungry (even though I have been eating still)...and achy, probably from my recent bout of high-intensity exercise...and feeling lost. I'm reminded of my experience as a 14-year-old, living with what I consider a verbally abusive father...at one point, I clearly remember saying to myself, "I just won't feel anything anymore, so I don't have to feel the pain." So for several years, I think I did suppress my emotions...which only led to a huge break-down when I started college, and the first of my several hospitalizations. So I guess that strategy hasn't been too helpful to me in the past...still, I don't know how else to function.

Thanks for listening, and I would love any advice,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 5:56am
Rose,

I just wanted to say that I can relate completely to everything you said in your post. Congrats on med school! I also feel like I act when I'm at work (recently started a new job) and I'm worried that I may develop something like split personality or Bipolar! I don't have any symptoms like mania or voices or anything like that. I don't know if it follows that these things would develop, but I'm not taking meds so maybe that's why I'm so worried. I feel worse now precisely because I have to face life after hiding away for so long and I have to pretend to be 'normal' in the office when I just feel like I'm dying inside. Like you say, it's as if we're suppressing our real emotions. For me, the 'real' emotions are the 'bad' feelings and everything else seems just like an act! I don't know which is the 'real' me anymore and I feel like I'm a zombie just going through the motions most of the time and I don't 'feel' anything! Everything seems very negative, bad, dark, horrible.

I have lost so much weight since the severe stage of depression hit me over summer and autumn and I can't afford to lose anymore! I'm also not sleeping and think I look awful so it's a vicious circle! I have felt I could relate to a lot of your posts and sorry I didn't reply earlier! What scares me most is the intense suicidal feelings and urges and I feel even more hopeless because I think I will have this forever. I can't imagine having to 'act' at work for even a few weeks let alone for years to come! I wonder how long I can do this for and I know you are worried that med school might trigger a breakdown as well. I'm not sure which is true now because people say that the longer you act 'normal' the easier it will be and you will start to feel happier, but for me it seems the opposite because it's such a struggle to get through each day at work when all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay at home! Maybe it's because I am facing reality now that I feel worse, whereas before I was in my own little cocooned world at home and felt safe there, even though it was a very bad time!

I'm sorry for going on for too long here. I just wanted to let you know, even though I don't feel like I've described it well in words, that I can't totally relate to how you're feeling. I also have to start thinking about taking professional exams for my career and I want to do my PhD at some point in the future as well, but have lost all confidence in my abilities now and I'm worried I can't do studying anymore because I'm not able to concentrate as much or focus on things like I used to! Can you relate to that too?

You can email me if you want to. I think it's on my link. Don't really want to post my email address here , but I'm more than happy to chat with you. Barb has been really nice and said I could email her as well, which I am grateful for because it's good to talk to someone who can relate. I hope I haven't said too much here!

Take care.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 6:43pm
Yvonne,

Sorry for not writing back to you earlier. As I wrote to you under your last post, I can really relate to what you're going through. You didn't say too much at all...it was good to hear that I'm not alone in this (although for your sake, I wish I was!). Maybe we'll both learn to deal with all these negative thoughts over time...

Thanks again,

Rose