feeling a little better. not really
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| Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:14am |
I wanted to thank you all for being so supportive of me, I am feeling better went to therapy last night and wanted to cry but held it back.
I talked mostly about my anger towards my sister I told marnie that I have this huge ball of anger inside of me and I wish that I could just get rid of it and give it to someone else give it to my sister that way she would be able to know how I feel what I am going thru, I dont want it anymore I want someone else to take it for a while I know selffish of me Marnie said that my sister will never be able to understand what it is like for me what I go thru the anger I have and that I need to stop blaming my sister and yes I do blame her for alot of thngs I really dont mean to but I want her to hurt the way I do yet again me being selffish.
I know that I need to learn to think differently but when I get angry and sad I cant contro myself, I thought on saturday night I was gonna attack Luis I felt it inside of me I just wanted to punch him and beat him and that scares me.
I wrote another letter to my sister I tried to make it non blaming but I am sure that there is something in there that attacks her but at the end I wrote that I wanted to know her thoghts and feeling on all of this I hope she read it and didnt throw it out I love my sister more than anything all I want is fer her to be happy.
I know that it is hard for her to be around me I know that I make her tired I know that I suck the life right out of her I know that I am a bad person a bad sister.
But I dont do these thing with malice in mind sometimes I just cant control myself or my emotions, I take my meds I goto therapy I see my pdoc I try really hard to be better but I am not better I am sorry that I make my sister unhappy, I am sorry that I make others unhappy I am sorry that I am bipolar I am sorry that I get sad I am sorry for all those things I dont like being this way I dont like feeling this ay and if I could be someone else I would if I could give this illness away I would.
I just dont know what else to do I just dont know
I can not talk with my sister words cant leave my lips I turn and look at her but nothing comes out so I turn and walk away into my room under my covers and I hide.
Erin

Erin,
I don't know alot about you and your situation.