I am crazy - help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
I am crazy - help
6
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 5:29pm
I feel like I am insane. I have all these urges to go out and do something like dye my hair or get a tattoo or peircing. I feel like I can't think and want to do things but can't make myself do anything. I wish I had friends.

Has anyone ever had horrible fantasies. I had horrible images of my parents and child getting in a car accident and all dying and then I would be OK because then the world would understand and it would be okay that I hated my life and didn't want to be here and couldn't function. Does any one get that, or am I just nutso - I am scaring me.

Piruli

Avatar for sarbri03baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: piruli
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:20pm
Yep, I am goign through that right now actually. R you on any meds? I am currently on nothign and waiting until Monday to call the Dr. and get on something QUICK!! If you need to talk I am here and Ill check back in soon!

sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
In reply to: piruli
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 6:30pm
First I want you to know this is part of being bipolar, it is your illness. Make sure you are taking your meds everyday and as prescribed. Wanting to go dye your hair or get a tattoo or piercing is probably you wanting to change the outer part of yourself and thinking it will change your illness. You feel like you want to be different. Maybe I am wrong.

Some times I feel anxious to do things and my mind starts racing but at the same time I feel paralized and feel like I can't do anything. That is part of the illness too.

About the thoughts you are having on your parents and child getting into a car accident may be you feeling like no one understanding yo and your illness. Are you part of the car accident? Are you involved? Do you die too? I am just trying to understand what you are saying about "the world would understand and it would be okay that I hated my life and didn't want to be here and couldn't function."

I know how hard this all is for you. I live with this illness too. It has prolonged me getting my college education and holding down a job to support myself. I have little friends because I am causious and don't want to get hurt. Though I want friends badly also.

You are not crazy, you are just going through alot of adjusting and trying to figure out how to cope with this illness. Are you in therapy? I hope you are in order to help you learn coping skills for this illness. Do you have a phychiatrist that adjusts your meds? or a primary care doctor? You may need your meds adjusted. I would talk to your doctor and your therapist about the way you are feeling and your thoughts you are having just so they know how to help you through all this.

Let us know how you are doing and hang in there. Take some deep breaths. Take a nice bath with some bubbles and watch your favorite comedy or movie you like. Pamper yourself and be good to you.

Bless you always!!!!

Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: piruli
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 10:41pm

(((((((((((((((((Piruli)))))))))))))))))))))


Anxiety can definately be part of this illness hun and I have on a few occassions had terrible fantasys too that I just cant get out of my head.


But things Can and will get better hun... Do you have a Therapist or doctor that you can call in emergencies? I know when I get upset like that, talking it out with someone really helps.


If not , please then feel free to post as much as you like, some will be here to support you! Blinking Heart

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: piruli
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 8:17pm
Thanks for all of your responses. I posted a really long response yesterday, but then it dissapeared and since I already felt like I was going over the edge, that didn't help and I just shut down the computer.

I am on meds but pdoc says they won't kick in for a few weeks. She gave me the ones that they use on seizure patients. Mostly because I just worked my butt off to lose 20 pounds in Weight Watchers and I am not about to gain it all back on some pill. However, lately all I do is binge eat and drink anyways so I'm not sure it would make a difference. I do have a therapist and I will see her on Tuesday - it's only my third session, but I really like her and that is very important.

Tina, I don't die in the images, just them. You are probalby right about the peircings and stuff, I want to change me or go back to the old me. I use to have various peircings and be a little wilder. Then I entered the corporate world, became a mommy and that all went away quickly. I think more quickly than I wanted.

Anyway, I was interested to hear you say this is part of being bipolar. I'm not really sure what all the symptoms are. I mean I've seen the big lists of the major things and I know the depression ones very well, but I am trying to understand some of the "hypomania". I think I have racing thoughts where I just think about a bunch of things at once and come out confused and feeling crazy. I also get the pressure to talk bit a lot too - that has gotten me into trouble a couple of times. I know I go through periods of time where I just kind of get wild, but I never saw it as bad because that is usually when people like me the most.

The thing that got me to the pdoc last week was that I was doing very well on my lexapro for a while but then crashed and didn't make it to work for a week. I am having a very hard time functioning at all and I just feel like I'm going crazy. I did a beck depression scale with the therapist and scored really high so she convinced me to go back to the pdoc. That's when she said I was bipolar II. I bring this up, Tina, because you said that you had a hard time holding down a job and I've seen a number of bipolar people say that. Why do you have a hard time. Is there something specific. I usually do fine, but I am on a downward spiral where I can't get anything done and it worries me but at the same time I don't care. I just zombie out while I'm at work - I can't focus or concentrate even when I really really try to work on one little thing.

Thanks for listening and sorry this got long.

Piruli

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
In reply to: piruli
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 8:46pm
Yes, I go through the same things. I have horrible images in my head of people dying...I once saw my tombstone in a cemetary...then this girl came up to me and said in a cruel voice: YOU...WILL...DIE...I have barely slept since. I think that getting tatoos and piercings are okay...so is dying your hair. You just want to express yourself! Go ahead it you'd like. You just have a negative outlook on life. You see the glass as half empty and not half full. That is generally why people have these thoughts. My suggestion: Take a day off of work and do stuff JUST FOR YOU. Go see a movie with friends, get your nails done, buy some new clothes, read a book for enjoyment, and don't answer the phone for anything. Make this your day, and no one else's. You will feel a lot better, trust me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: piruli
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 9:22pm
I just wanted to let you know that I have had similar thoughts before, and it is scary. Normally I am very conservative in the way that I act...but when I have felt especially hyper, I have wanted to go out and party and drink or dye my hair...I've never done any of that (except dye my hair, only temporary dye though!), in part because I don't have any friends to go out and party with! So I know how that is.

As to your fantasies, I think they are understandable...you feel horrible, but no one around you seems to recognize how bad you feel because your life seems "fine" or even "great" to them. I've also thought before that if there really were something clearly wrong with me or with my life that people would be better able to know the depths of my sadness. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but...it's OK to have these thoughts, and you are not crazy, just dealing with some difficult emotions.

I know you've mentioned before that you have wondered if you might be bipolar...I've wondered that about myself as well. What you describe about your urges to get a tattoo or get something pierced sounds similar to what I have gone through when I was either in a "mixed" or a manic state (although I have not been diagnosed as bipolar...yet.) So I think that is definitely something to mention to your doctor or therapist, if you have one.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now...you have my sympathies, especially since I can really relate to a lot of what you are feeling.

Rose