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| Sun, 01-25-2004 - 11:23am |
Well its been a real long time since I have been to this board. I even used to be a CL here when I was here before. I guess the main reason I am posting is to see if there is anyone still out there. If you know anything about what I was like then think about it 10 fold now. I don't need any of the "Oh it will be ok" BS that I've seen come from this board several times. I need a real person at this point. Im not going to post any triggers, don't wanna upset anyone. To be honest I don't even know why I am sending this.
**Maddy**

Welcome back, (((((((((((Maddy)))))))))))!
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CL-ladybug987
I wasn't here when you were here. I've only been here for about 10 months. I don't really see people saying "it's going to be OK." Many of us, including myself, have struggled with suicidal level depression for almost our entire lives. What I love about this place is that everyone is very real with their feelings. For the first time in my life I don't feel like having depression is some big dark secret I have that no one would understand. This place has actually made me feel normal. Everyone here can understand what I deal with, how it is to fall into that deep dark hole and not be able to even fathom a way out. It used to be that if I shared my feelings with depression with someone, they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Now I feel like I can finally be honest about what's going on with me.
I don't know what you're dealing with, but there are several chronically suicidal people here, one or two cutters, a couple people with bipolar disorder, and I think a few people with Borderline Personality disorder, too. Personally, I'm 33 and only just started to be able to have times of happiness last year after finding a really good therapist. But I still have times where I get really down and sink into that blackness. And when I do, I still feel like killing myself at times. I come from a very emotionally and physically abusive family. My dad raped me when I was only 5 years old. I barely spoke in school until I was 10 years old. I became suicidal when I was 14. I've been through a very bad marriage, and been emotionally abused by friends and by my sister as an adult. It took me a long time to learn to set my boundaries and get out of bad relationships. And I'm still haunted by the pain that one of my ex-boyfriend's caused me. I know I should be able to see that he's a complete creep, but his rejection still rips at my core.
Anyway, of course you're welcome to be here. Plenty of people post long, trigger-filled messages every day. I think this is the most real forum that I've ever encountered.
Take Care,
MariaC
Hello Maddy and welcome back..
I wasnt here I dont think when you were .. though I have been a CL almost a year now.
*hugs
Welcome Back Maddy.