Big Problem with best friend *poss trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Big Problem with best friend *poss trigs
6
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 1:17am
Had a hard morning (Sunday). My best friend was having yet another fight with her boyfriend. Her fights with him are almost all she ever talks about anymore. I think she's quite hard on him. I was trying to tell her that the way she talks to him is hurtful to him and makes it unsafe for him. She got madder and madder. Then she turned on me with the same nasty tone and told me that I was just triggered because of my sister's abuse towards me.

I pretty much closed down at that moment. It's not OK to attack other people. That is a value that is the core of who I am. I've made that really clear to her. She heartily disagrees. Meanwhile, she's driving her boyfriend away with her rage. I know that she has needs, but the way she's acting will get the opposite of getting her needs met. I was trying to get that across to her.

She left me a message that she's upset that I "took his side." I don't think there are sides. When you treat your relationship like there are sides, then it won't work. I was trying to get them each to understand where the other one was coming from. And I don't blame him for being scared and hurt. I would have left the relationship a long time ago if I were in his position.

Right now I have no desire to talk to her. I'm mad. I feel like since her value is that attack is OK if she is "irritated," we are too different. One thing I know is that I've given abusive people too much room in the past. It only makes it much worse for me. And I end up wishing I'd gotten out sooner. I've given so much to her, but I feel like she takes me for granted. Turning on me was the last straw.

OK, end of my rant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:07am
Hmmmm...

I don't blame you for being made Maria.

I think that you did the right thing; my ex best friend used to treat her husband like crap and I told her. And you know what, turns out that was probably foreshadowing of how she was really treating me and I didn't know about it.

I think if you want to continue with this friendship, and your friend does, then you need to sit down with her and tell her that attacking you IS NOT OKAY.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:16am


Maria,

You and I are kinda in the same boat here with the friend thing.

I am sure you know my story with my best friend Sareen the one who treats me like crap....

Well I kinda cut her loose in a way, I wrote her a letter on how i felt about the way she treats me she never responded never called nothing, and as much as it hurts I did what was best for me she may not see it that way and maybe down the road she will realize what she has done to our 25 year friendship.

I think that what you did was the best thing for you, no one should attack another person yes we all get angry and I am guilty of saying hurtful things when I am in a rage, I dont mean them and they come out fasterthan I can stop them from leaving my lips.

maybe you should keep your space from her she knows what hurts you the most and is now using it against you and that is not good, people like that are just afraid to face themselves and what is wrong with them.

I wish I had better advice to give you like you always have for me...

just do what is best for you after all you are the only one that knows how to take care of yourself and she doenst seem like such a good friend if she is attacking you the way she is.

Erin

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anonymous user
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 10:18am
Hi cal, Im sorry that your relationship with your good friend is in jeopardy. I dont know what I would really do in that situation. I would feel hurt too if my friend was "taking sides" like she said, but it doesnt sound like you are. If she is driving him away, then he will leave on his own. We never really know what happens behind closed doors so its hard to say why she is hard on him. I hope your friend will see how she is treating him and stop, but otherwise I dont know what you can do differently except offer support.

About her attacking you, I think that is unacceptable. Sounds like a sit-down talk with her wouldnt work. However if she continues to act inapropriately by attacking you that way then I would just tell her straight out that something needs to change. Otherwise I would leave the friendship. I had a friendship where I felt so lousy all the time, so finally I left it. It felt like I left a b/f or something! lol Anyways first though I would ask her if she needs to talk (in case you havent done that yet), and make sure she just isnt having an emotional breakdown.

I hope this helps. I dont even know if Im making sense here, but I wish you the best. TC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:20pm
maria,

i am sorry to hear that things aren't going well with your friend. i am impressed by your strength and think that you did the right thing for both of you. it is really hard to tell a friend that they are doing something negative. but sometimes we all need a good enough friend to be the one to point out something that needs to be brought to our attention.

a more trivial example: when we have spinach in our teeth, we always hope that a good friend would tell us. (that was supposed to make you smile too) point being, you were a good friend to her and to yourself. my mother always says you can be your own worst enemy. good for you for being your own good friend.

abuse takes many forms, and those of us who have experienced it need to protect ourselves from situations that 1. make us relive past abuse and 2. make us unhappy now. you are so strong to stand up for yourself. i know it is hard to do to a friend. but you deserve to be treasured as a friend- i know i treasure you as mine! you don't need people attacking you. i hope it all works out. i know it sucks now, but i think you were very strong and did the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:47pm
Thanks to everyone for your responses. I appreciate each point of view. Thanks especially to Erin and VogueGirl for your kind words about me. I need that right now! It means so much.

I'm really unsure about what to do. I know that everyone is right about needing to talk to her. But I'm actually scared to. I feel mad right now. I don't know if talking has any purpose because she has made it really clear both yesterday and in past conversations that she think talking in an "irritated" tone is OK. She is not at all open to my point of view. Unfortunately, what she calls "irritated" sounds self-righteous and abusive to me. I've heard her use that tone with her boyfriend so many times.

VogueGirl, you are right that those of us who have been abused have to take extra good care of ourselves. Being kind and surrounding myself with kindness and support is my number one priority.

It's funny. When I showed her my new website, she didn't really say much. I feel like she doesn't get me and my whole vibe. I do a lot for her. I have been guiding her through a whole new marketing plan. My dh designed her new business cards. Another friend of mine set up her website, which I wrote all of the copy for. I wrote a newpaper ad for her. I've been doing all kinds of things. She takes advantage of what I do, but I don't think she gets the whole giving as a way of life thing. Like I said on my webpage, equal relationships are key. This one has gotten way to far out of balance.

I don't think that talking to her will make any difference. I know I need to, but I don't quite know what to say.

So that's where I am at this point. Thanks again to everyone for your support!

Love,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 2:54pm

((((((((((Maria)))))))))), it sounds to me as though you have been able to step back and see things clearly.

 

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