Midnight meltdown...embarrassing...trigs
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| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 1:28am |
The relationships (the only two I've ever had, and one of those was more a friendship) have long since been over and I haven't even dated anyone for almost a year. I'm not sure why this issue is coming to the forefront now...maybe I just have too much time on my hands at the moment (in my brief break between cross-country trips!), but I don't think that's quite it, because whenever anyone else brings up relationships, even in casual conversation, I immediately begin feeling intense shame.
There seems to be no "good" reason for this problem of mine...and I have discussed it briefly in very broad terms in therapy (I don't want to go into more detail for several reasons, one of which is the fact that my sessions are videotaped, and I couldn't bear knowing that someone else could find out about my past experiences. Even if the camera was off, though, I don't feel comfortable discussing this with anyone, not even with any of the many trusted therapists I've had over the years).
I was not brought up in a religious background, and my parents didn't tell me that intimacy is a bad thing...actually, they never even mentioned it, which might be one problem. But I have a twin sister who seems to have no problem with intimacy, judging by her several long-term relationships. Several therapists have asked me if I was abused as a child, and some even have thought that I MUST have been abused, but I (fortunately) was not, at least not physically or sexually (the constant yelling of my dad might be considered verbal abuse, though, but I don't know that it is related to my problem now).
Anyway, this post has gotten longer than I meant it to, as usual. I mainly just wanted to vent that I am suddenly overwhelmed by this shame and guilt...and in the past, these feelings have even led me to consider seriously harming myself. I am doing all I can right now to calm down...I am listening to a guided meditation tape (for the first time in months)...and I even took twice the dose of the anti-anxiety med Klonopin I usually take for sleep (I don't know if that was a good idea...I wish I had some Ambien to help me sleep, since I am pretty wound-up right now, but my current doctor doesn't want to prescribe that because he said it can be addictive...it did help me sleep, though).
And I am trying to breathe...and avoid thoughts of self-harm. It's so strange, most of the time recently I have adopted a confident, extremely functional personality...but at times like now, my "secret" self comes back to haunt me. It's also ironic that I am extremely sleepy all day, but then get filled with anxious energy by the time bedtime rolls around! Maybe I should get some Tylenol PM...but in the past, I have hesitated to buy bottles of over-the-counter meds out of fear that I might impulsively take too many.
OK, wow, I deeply apologize for this post...I am extremely ashamed even to write this, and I am sure I will regret it in the morning. But I could really use some advice or support, or anything...if someone else were in my position, I would tell them to talk to their therapist openly about what's going on...but I am so inhibited by my shame (what would my therapist think of me? it also just doesn't seem "appropriate" conversation for therapy) that I feel it would be impossible. I can't bear to let anyone know exactly what I did with guys, but I also feel like I have to let someone know in order to begin to feel that I am OK, not an immoral, horrible person. So I don't know what to do.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, I can't believe how long and personal this post has gotten...please forgive me for revealing too much and making an embarrassment of myself. I feel like no one except me could feel so much shame about just kissing a guy, and doing a few other things...
Rose

Well, I've done lots of things with lots of guys, but most of my friends think I'm prissy. I am compared to them. No threesomes, no orgies, no "backway,' just normal sex. And I can still count the people on two hands! I don't have any other friends who can do that. Seriously.
When I was a teenager, I was a virgin, but my best friend called me "the sluttiest virgin" she ever knew. I really enjoyed making out with guys at parties. So fun. Now it seems so sweet and innocent to me.
Sometimes I do get weird feelings of shame about sex. When you think about it, it's such a weird thing. It really doesn't make any sense, except in the context of this weird thing we call a libido. Hormone are powerful. But for me it doesn't have an satisfaction except when it's an expression of love. And I'm more into the kissing part, anyway.
When I was in high school and the first two years of college, I felt a lot of shame about talking about sex. I had it with my boyfriend in high school, but I couldn't use the words to describe it. Eventually, I lost the shame of it. I used to freak out about going to the OB/GYN, now it's no big deal. I think it's a matter of taking the charge off of it.
Everyone you know has sex, Rose. That's why there are so many people in the world! Half the world is getting the other half pregnant. It's a basic human drive. I think that kissing and making out are very sweet and fun.
On the sleep thing, Tylenol PM works well. I took it after a month of anxiety-caused insomnia. You wouldn't want to take an overdose. It won't kill you, but it will cause a kidney shut down, which will put you in the hospital for a painful year. That's the last ting you want to ever do. It won't stop pain, only cause more than you've never wanted.
There are other over-the-counter PM medicines now that have the ingredient in Tylenol that puts you to sleep without the pain reliever ingredient in Tylenol that messes your liver and kidneys up for life.
Hot baths, warm milk, boring books, and telling the anxiety thoughts to go away all have helped me sleep in the past. The main thing is to tell yourself that no one would judge you for kissing and making out with a long term boyfriend. Well, maybe some crazy religious zealots. But you don't share their values, anyway.
There's no judgment from me. Do you think you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold other people to?
Good Luck,
MariaC
I was raised in a house where you DID NOT talk about sex, my parents never even hugged, and my mom was a alcoholic. So I am very uncomfortable about sex. I am 25, and I have had one really long term boyfriend like 9 or so years. I think I would have broken up with him alot sooner, and FOR GOOD, if I wasn't so worried about getting to know someone else intimately.
To me sex is not something to be taken lightly. I am not the type of person who can just have sex for the fun of it. I have to be really emotionally connected. That is just me.
Don't worry sweetie. There is nothing wrong with you. You are most likely just a little like me, you just don't take intimacy lightly.
Take care
Pamela
Rose, honey, I've felt some of that shame myself.
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CL-ladybug987
I think maybe a lot of this could come from my being uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy, as you are...but I am searching for a reason for the overwhelming guilt and shame I feel. I know that I have very different rules and standards for myself than for others...because I don't feel that it is wrong of other people to kiss and hug, etc... just for me. Maybe I should have just gone ahead and joined a convent, and everything would have turned out all right (except that I'm not Catholic, just a small problem, right?!) :)
Thank you so much for replying...it did make me feel better, less abnormal...you take care, too,
Rose
Yes, the friends I had in college (I don't have friends anymore, sadly enough) did consider me a prude...one reason that it is hard for me to explain my situation to others...because they might tell me, "what's so wrong with what you did? That's nothing compared to what almost everyone else your age is doing."
I did meet a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) on one of my med school interviews...we had a long bus ride back to the airport together...and we did talk about these higher standards (in a general sense, no detail about intimacy!), since we seemed to have similar standards for ourselves (although his were for religious reasons, obviously). And his take on my situation was that maybe my feelings that certain things are "wrong" for me is God telling me, through my conscience, what is right and what is wrong.
Now that seemed hard to believe, and I am not religious anyway...even if I were, I would tend to avoid attributing religious explanations to "everyday" problems. But it made more sense to me than anything else has, strangely enough. So following his logic, what I did in the past truly was wrong in God's eyes, and my guilt over that is because I realize the immorality of my behavior. But of course, since I'm not Christian, I don't have Jesus to come and rescue me from my sins, so I just ruminate on them all the time!
And my all-or-nothing thinking in general concerns me when it comes to intimacy...when I had a boyfriend, I never really enjoyed kissing, hard as that is to believe...I wanted even more intimacy, even though I knew it was "wrong" and kept myself from most of it. I do realize on an intellectual level that almost everyone my age and older is having sex...though that is hard for me really to accept...but for me, that still doesn't make it "right" for me.
I'm sorry, I don't know if I really responded to what you said in your post...I do wish I were more like you, able to see kissing as fun and sweet, and to enjoy other things. Maybe I just have a personality of self-denial (with food, fun, etc. as well), and I fear that if I even kiss someone, I will fall over the edge and become obsessed with physical intimacy...and I don't think this fear is unwarranted, because something almost like that happened when I had a boyfriend.
Sorry, I wish I knew better what to say or do...my moods seem to be shifting again today, and that concerns me...since I have tried to distance myself from my moods and "become" my happy act...I just feel that I am a morally corrupt person, especially because now I have gotten a little hyper and feel much more desire than is normal for me (I have heard that this can happen in bipolar, but I still don't know if that would be my diagnosis).
As for sleep, I do have some allergy medication that contains the same ingredient as Tylenol PM, but without the pain reliever (I checked in the drugstore to be sure)...so that's a good idea, and I didn't even have to buy anything extra! I will try that tonight probably...I'm still sleeping 9 to 10 hours a night and waking up exhausted... maybe that Tylenol PM-type med will help me get more restful sleep.
Thanks again, sorry for the length of this message,
Rose
I think because no one in my life ever talked to me about sex or intimacy, not even my parents, I still kind of doubt somehow that other people actually do similar things... even though I know intellectually that they do. Also, I do feel like I have different standards for myself...ironically, no matter how many people do something, I feel like it is still absolutely wrong for me to do.
Your idea of writing this down to share with a therapist is a good one...but I feel like it is inappropriate for sharing with her...and also, I feel like I wouldn't be able to bear her knowing that I did the things I did...that I would never be able to look her in the eyes again because of my shame. I also don't have any friends, honestly, except one guy who is (if you can believe it) way MORE of a prude than I am! I am pretty sure he would think I'm disgusting.
I just feel trapped in this situation, with dark secrets that would not seem so bad to other people, but that are still horrible to me. And I feel like this issue won't just go away, as much as I try to avoid it by pretending that I am completely asexual (well, that did work pretty well until I got my first boyfriend, at age 22!). Even now, I seem to be getting slightly more hyper, and with that comes the desire to be physically involved with someone...even though I don't have a boyfriend and would never be intimate with someone I didn't know...so it's just a bind that I can't see escaping.
Sorry to embarrass myself once again, but thank you for your advice and support,
Rose
((((((Rose)))))), just a thought --
Hope that this helped a bit. Know that I'm thinking of you sweetie. email, or post if you need us again!
Love ya
Trixie
The sense of sexual shame is probably extension of shame about other things. All or nothing thinking is like that. There's really good, interesting book called "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It really explained a lot of things to me.
Since you are so in control of yourself and your life, it makes sense that you feel a lot of judgment of yourself for sensual feelings. They are definitely out-of-control feelings. I rarely feel them very strongly, but every once in a while I am surprised by how strong they can be. I've felt this way especially in certain relationships. For me, intimacy is very sacred. It's something I only care about sharing with someone I deeply love.
I was very shamed by my family growing up, especially my father, who was a priest. Creepy, huh? It's taken a while to accept my faults and seeing myself as no better or worse than anyone else. My therapist opened me up to thinking of myself the way I think of others. It was miraculous. I still have some issues around shame.
We're always here for you, Girl. As you can see, everyone relates to these issues. You are not alone!
Life isn't about being perfect. It's about being human and accepting ourselves as human.
Take Care,
MariaC