my story-TRIGGERS
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| Wed, 01-28-2004 - 3:24pm |
When I was growing up, I was beaten often and horribly. I don’t remember a whole lot of what was done to me, but some of what I do remember, and things others in my family have told me have been horrible. No wonder I don’t remember much! For example, I was hit over the head with a baking pan when I had left it greasy after washing it. I was only 10!!! What did my stepfather want from me!?! He used to hit us with a belt all the time too….he called it the strap, and pretty much made sure that he hit us with the metal end.
Here, I won’t go into too much detail. I can’t remember anyways, and most of what I am about to tell came from my sis. We were both abused sexually. She went thru a horrible time of nightmares and flashbacks when she remembered. When she finally confronted my mother a few years later, my mom kicked him out, but then took him back after only a few months! What a huge slap in the face that was. I lost the little bit of respect I had had left for my mom then. They were(are) both druggies, though she only did pot and he was into harder stuff at one point, the time when he assaulted us. (we were probably 3 and 4 at the time) I think I was the only 5 year old who knew what a bong was. Sad, but true.
My mom also had moved out of state on my father, against the divorce decree, and he didn’t know where we were for about 5 years. She told us that our father didn’t want to see us, but he had been searching. Through luck, he found a cop on the CB radio(remember those??!!) in a nearby town who knew my stepfather (probably through a rap sheet), and the cop led him to where we lived. My stepfather kept my dad out, but I clearly remember standing with my sis in the kitchen and my dad was screaming for us and telling us that he would come back. It was horrible. Eventually, my mom had to let us start seeing him on the weekends. Long story short, we eventually told my cousin’s wife about what was happening to us (just the beatings), and she told my dad, who immediately got full custody of us. Living with my dad was better than my mother’s, but not by much. We did okay, but the emotional stuff we endured there sometimes seemed worse. Maybe I am making it worse, because I was a teenager by this time, but I can clearly remember thinking that at least bruises went away. After about 5 years, my dad divorced my stepmother (his 3rd wife) and began to roam the country and meeting people from the net. He always had money for plane trips, but never money to give us for heat and groceries. One time we ran out of heat when he was away, and my sister called him and he told us to forge a check that was going to bounce anyways. What an ass. We used to take our 2 measly McDonald’s checks (where we worked part time) to try to buy food.
I then met Tim, the light in my life. If it weren’t for him, I would never have made it through all my dad did. I was then 16 and he was 20. We are still together, have been for 8 years, married for almost 5, and have a wonderful DD, Isabel. At the time I was 17, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. This is where the real problems with my depression began. Every March, I still get depressed, but the first year after the miscarriage was the worst. I never got out of bed, never went to school, only to work, where I could be busy. I eventually stopped going to high school, but was allowed to graduate because I was in the last semester and had all the credits needed to graduate, and a counselor who said I had the depression.
Since then, I have had PPD after the Isabel’s birth. I went to a counselor who I didn’t like because all she did was listen and never tell me what I could do to feel better. I eventually started to feel better on my own, until I got really sick with the fibromyalgia. Now, I feel the depression trying to pull on me and drag me down. My DH isn’t helping with the house work at all! It is so hard for me to take care of everything on my own with the fibro, and every time I try to talk to him about it he gets really defensive, so I am finding myself reverting to my old ways of burying things. However, I do need to deal with it, because my medical conditions get bothered by things like this and force me to take care of it, if I want to feel better. I think I might say something to my primary care doc when I go on February 19th for my tummy. Maybe he can get me to a therapist I like. We’ll see.
I am sorry this is so long, but it feels pretty good to get it off my chest. I have never really told my WHOLE story before and it is nice to have it all written out. Somehow, it seems easier to stomach now that it is in black and white. Thank you all for listening to me.
Love and hugs,

(((((((((((((Nadine))))))))))))))))))
What a heart wrenching story... Im so sorry hun, for all you have been thru...
*hugs
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Nadine ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You sure are a strong woman! Look at all you have come through. I bet you are a fantastic mommy, and that really matters. You don't want your beautiful little daughter to have to go through any of that.
Take care
Pamela
(((((((((((((Nadine))))))))))))), I am so touched by your story.
Gosh, you are all so wonderful!!
Nadine - deenie1979
(((((((Nadine))))))), I am so happy to hear that DH made supper for you!