Having a really hard time past few weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Having a really hard time past few weeks
2
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 1:39pm


I am sorry that I have not been around much and that I havent been trying to help out others with their posts, but hings have not been too good for me these past few weeks, but they are starting to look better or at least I want to believe theat they are getting better.

My sister and I spoke on Tuesday night (Luis wasnt home so we got to talk) and we just discussed how I feel and how she feels and came to the fact that we are both feeling rejected and that she is worried for me because I shut myself off from the world and she wonders where I went where her sistr went, I wish I could tell Jennifer (my sister) what is wrong with me and where I went but I cant even answer that question for myself.

I told her that I wish I could give to her the pain and anger and hurt and confusion frustration sadness that I feel that way she could understand me better but that will never happen and she can never really understand what it is like for me because she doesnt suffer from bipolar disorder.

I figured out that when I am manic I am not jupming off the walls staying up all night full of energy I get very angry and frustrated when I get manic I want to hurt people when they make me mad attack them but it is only like that when I am manic, I dont have a set mood each day it switches from one to the other through out the whole day one seond okay the next not okay thoughts wander sometimes ect....

I see my pdoc on tuesday I am going to ask him to up my meds see if that help right now on 900mg's of nuerontin, I asked about welbutrine but my tdoc says they have stimulants in them I wanted to use zyban (they are one in te same) to quit smoking but she advised against it because they are stimulants and I cant have those because I am already anxious and that those meds are for folks who need the stimulation to get up enough energy for the day...Sorry drifted off course.

I also figured out that my self esteem issues are not good at all I thought that I was improving but I really am not my tdoc and I talked about that last night she asked what can I do to improve my self image I told her that I can write a book on all the things I hate about myself that it is easier to look at all the things I dont like than to point out things I do like which I have tried and have not found much about me that I enjoy...I told her that since I feel so bad about me that I need attention to make me feel like I have worth that I am wanted and needed that if I dont have attention I feel like I am crap that I dont matter and ya the attention is nice but I still believe it to be fake and the things that are nice that people say about me I believe to be lies all of it is lies, if a man compliments me I feel that he just wants sex if a woman compliments me I feel that she feels bad for me I know I am sick...

I have started the diet pills again a new cocktail I call it 6 pills a day plus my meds nad vitamins and I have a new way to fill up water and hot cocoa then if I eat it is graham crackers with peanut butter, I have gained weight I feel it and I dont like it.

I feel that as long as I lose te weight I will find someone to want me I know the rational thing is that it wont matter how thin I am I will still think I am fat and that bei ng thin wont make someone want me and I know it wont make me feel better but the control is addictive..I know that I wont find love until I love myself but that is the rational side that is the side that doesnt showup 99 percent of the time.

and to top it off I will be 29 on Feb 8th no boyfriend no friends really I will be alone probably and I will die alone I can feel it.

thans ladies for letting me get some of this stuff out of my head

sorry if I sound a little crazy or far away, and I am sorry to voguegir for not really understanding her post, I didnt mean to sound mean at all you are always so sweat to me and I didnt want you to think I was being a nasty person not my intention at all.

Thanks again.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 1:54pm
OH sweetie...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all the demons that you're going through right now. At least you were able to talk with your sister, and got a lot of feelings out that you really needed to. Hopefully things will be better for you now that you got it all out. DOn't worry about not posting here, as you need to have "erin" time. I can't totally relate to feeling bad about not posting, but when times are rough for you, just know that we're here to post FOR YOU!!! Don't worry about us! You're too sweet! Hope you feel better soon, and take care love!

Trix

(the other Erin!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:04pm

(((((((((Erin, honey))))))))), I am just glad to see a post from you.

AcornLeaves