HELP! Can Two Depressives Date?
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| Thu, 01-29-2004 - 3:08pm |
I seek advice regarding my relationship. I have an extensive history of depression, including three hospitalizations over the course of 10 years. I lost my sister (and only sibling) to suicide two years ago. Surprisingly, I HAVE felt markedly better in the past year.
My boyfriend is very sweet and treats me very well. He’s well-educated, we have similar backgrounds and life goals, and we have a lot of fun together.
On Monday, he revealed to me (after much apprehension) that he’s seen a psychiatrist for the past two years for depression. I have no problem with this. I’m glad he’s seeking help. I've suspected that he suffered from depression, though we never openly discussed it before.
He told me he went off of his meds a few months ago (“because they weren’t really helping”). That DOES bother me. I’m noticing signs of the depression that concern me.
He seems to have really “let himself go” over the past few years (I’m judging in part from old photos). He’s 20 pounds overweight, which bothers me only because HE doesn’t seem concerned. Some of his clothes no longer fit well and he looks unkempt. He has horrible eating habits and seems excessively fatigued (in part because of his horrible eating habits lack of exercise). His sex drive is fairly low, which is frustrating. I’m noticing his poor grooming habits and a somewhat blasé attitude about work over the past few weeks. His apartment is an “average” bachelor pad, I guess, but a bit untidy for my liking. (He routinely “forgets” to restock on toilet paper, leaves dishes in the sink, and lets the trash go unemptied longer than I’d like.) I have no problem performing some of the domestic tasks if the relationship progresses, but I’m reluctant to share in these responsbilities at this point. I'm not his mother! He seems to have hang-ups about getting older and IS showing visible signs of aging, all of which could be easily managed by a bit of self-care. He’s a very mild-mannered guy, but seems almost too afraid to rock the boat, so it comes out in somewhat subversive and passive-aggressive ways. I haven’t seen any major blow-ups or meanness; I just know he “holds things in” and that worries me.
The second, and more important, concern is the dynamics between two depressed people. I’ve felt fine lately, but know how easy it is to “slip.” I’m afraid that being with someone who is depressed could be dangerous to me in the long-run. I fear the possibility of going through a depressive bout at the same time (and possibly having children to care for). I also know that the depths of depression (and its attendant behavior) can be quite difficult to cope with. I'm afraid that there is more about him that he hasn't yet revealed.
On the bright side, I think we can both be of tremendous support for each other. He is generally very supportive and caring toward me and it's nice to know that if I ever did sink into the depths of depression, he would understand the experience.
I plan to discuss this with him, but don’t know how to broach the subject. He’s not entirely forthcoming about his problems, though he’s slowly opening up. I want to approach him with as much care and sensitivity as possible. Specifically, I want to address the need for better grooming. I’m attracted to him but would be much more so if he took more care in his personal appearance. I don’t know how to bring this up without embarrassing or offending him. (I’ve tried subtle hints but he’s not catching on.)
Also, I want him to know that I will support and listen to him, but that I won’t allow him to perpetuate his depressive behavior. I need to establish ground rules and expectations now to create a healthy and safe environment for us BOTH. Is this asking him to “change” too much, even if it’s for the good? I know better than to try to change another person. I'm hoping he'll be open to discussing this with me because I'd like for the relationship to work.
Thanks again!
Edited 1/29/2004 8:03:56 PM ET by madame100

Welcome hun!
I think in reading your post that you have answered your own question in your last paragraph.
I think that the relationship can work... in that 2 people with depression can "make it"... but its IS very important that you set the ground rules in what you expect and also that you make sure you dont let his depression trigger your own.. In any relationship (even with non depressed people) you have to make sure that dont lose sight of YOU for the sake of the other person... I relationship is sharing 50 - 50 and when it stops being that its time to question the relationship..
You are right that you cant ultimately "change" WHO a person is.... but that doesnt mean you have to accept behaviors that are counter productive to who that person is.. if that makes sense...
Hope I helped a little and im sure others will have more ideas...
Hope you'll keep posting and let us know how it goes!
*hugs
*hugs
As far as sex drive, I again can understand that. Been there, done that! Once I got on my meds, things started getting better for me. I was thinking more straight, and got my libedo back. It was really surprising. I'd talk to him about the differences that you've noticed since he's been off his meds. I know it's going to be hard for him to understand and accept, but he's already made the big step of letting you know, and maybe you can ease in to talking about this. It's going to be tough, but hang in there.
I hope that this helped a bit, and I wish you both the best of luck! Keep us posted as to how everytihng works out!
love ya!
Trixie
I dated another guy who was depressed. I tried to help him too. He told me he really wanted help. I gave him everything I had to give. I loved him a lot. But he was so caught up in his own pain that he never had anything to give to me. He ended up marrying a MUCH younger woman (like 20) that he met while visiting Columbia. I think he wanted someone who would do all of the giving forever and not expect anything in return. Haven't heard how that's worked out for him.
My experience is that the best way to keep yourself on the healing path is to surround yourself with people who have healed, or are at least well on the way, like you. As you know, it's easy to get pulled down into the darkness again.
You have VERY good instincts with this guy. You are seeing the red flags that are waving bravely. I'm not saying that depressed people are bad. I've struggled with the issue my whole life. I'm just saying that if the person isn't actively working on his own healing at least to the extent you are, then this relationship will surely be a major struggle. My husband has said to me that the person with the lowest emotional level pulls the other one down. I've found that to be the case. That means that you have to be extremely picky about who you have in your life.
That's my best thinking on the subject.
All My Best,
MariaC