Very Insecure, Sad and Stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Very Insecure, Sad and Stuck
11
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:38pm
Hello, ladies. It feels kinda refreshing, surrounded by so much good will and positive support amidst depression. I'm an emotional hurricane inside and need to let it out.

I feel like mess. I have felt like this for a few months now, I cry so often, my emotions fluctuate incredibly with ups and downs. At this point, I find day to day living very difficult, and although I don't think I could actually take my life, I am often wishing I could just disappear off the earth. It's so hard for me to be alive right now. I sometimes have moments of feeling good about myself, but a lot of times I feel so worthless, incompetent, like I'm a big inconvenience.... Although I have never been clinically diagnosed ($$ is tight), I can only conclude that the intense self-deprecating feelings I've had for a few months can only be depression. I've been through a lot of very hard times during the last few years, especially 2003, and I think the intensity of life challenges, bad choices, learning hard lessons, etc has had me just absolutely emotionally exhausted.

I've battled a lifelong shyness, but through my adult life I've tried to change that directly: I've constantly put myself into situations with people, become involved in the theatre for the last 2 years, etc, and have made substantial improvement...but the big thing is my sense of self worth, my self-esteem. It's LOW LOW LOW. I'm very intelligent, extremely creative, very in tune with myself spiritually, in good shape and happy with my appearance, have people who love me, a great cat, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, many artistic talents....but I have a big problem with believing in myself, having faith in myself, eliminating insecurities that hold me back from things (like pursuing a goal or expanding upon a creative idea or being more comfy in the presence of people). How do I become more self assured? I think little self confidence a BIG factor in my horrid feelings about my life. It's weird: I DO feel a certain love for and confidence in myself, but sometimes I don't. Is this normal? Do many people fluctuate like this? If not, how do I attain consistent confidence about myself? I've heard it said that you can't love others until you love yourself: could you genuinely love someone, have love for yourself but also have insecurities? I need help! I've got to change negative thinking that keeps me feeling horrible, holds be back from enjoying my life, doing things I want to do, and stop short-changing myself. But I don't know how. I am physically active, meditate regularly, have been in a creative slump but am trying to get back to creating, have few friends where I live now...I tried an antidepressant for a month, but I hate taking pills, so that's out of the question. I want to figure this out. Any ideas how I can heal, gain greater self confidence? I appreciate help so very very much. Whether or not you have advice, thanks for reading my ramblings. It feels good to release.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 5:03pm

I am glad you came here to post.

Nadine - deenie1979

jesussig.jpg image by nadine1979

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 1:51am
Goldberry, Welcome to the Board!

There are many elements to your story that I relate to. About 10 years ago, when I was 24, I was in an extremely spiritual time in my life. I made some decisions that I felt were for my highest good. I thought that life would keep unfolding in the kind of miraculous way it had the prior two years, since I'd finished college. I married someone I thought was incredible. After that I went through a very dark period. The next year was a struggle and even a nightmare at times. After I got out of my marriage, I lost my confidence in myself. Before, I had been able to handle any situation I was faced. All of the sudden, I felt like I just couldn't make things work. I thought I was following my highest path by getting married, but afterwards I felt that I'd made all the wrong choices. I felt like an idiot.

I spent a lot of years recovering from that situation. It was a long haul for me. I had been a physical purist in terms of only eating raw food, doing yoga, and all of that stuff. After 5 years of depression, I finally went on antidepressants. I only did it because I was in so much pain. I figured that I could at least try that before I killed myself.

Antidepressants helped a lot for me. But the thing that made the difference was Cognitive Behavior Therapy. That helped even more than the antidepressants did.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy has a very high success rate with treating depression. Depression tends to come from perfectionistic, all-or-nothing thinking. The kinds of mood swings you describe are characteristic of thinking you and the situations in your life are either all good, or all bad. It's kind of like the Mr. Subliminal from Saturday Night Live (if you aren't too young to remember that guy). He used to say "Great idea!" Then mutter "No, it's not." That's how our minds can be. We can have a good day or get a compliment and get really happy, then you think about it or have someone put you down, then you go to the defeated place.

All-or-nothing thinking comes from believing that you have to be perfect and life should go perfectly. One of the best things that I learned is that I'm just a normal person, no better or worse than anyone else. I was so hard on myself that I would beat myself up and be filled with shame for anything less than perfection. "Failing" at my marriage was a major problem for me.

You mention spirituality and meditation. I don't know what kind of spirituality you believe in. I was heavily involved in New Age spirituality. Something that I saw time and again was people using the whole "you create your own reality" belief to beat themselves or others up for less than perfect lives. I did it to myself. I believed I wasn't having positive enough thoughts, karma, or whatever to create the life I wanted, or to be on my highest path.

What I've come to believe since them is that every one of us has certain challenges and lessons to learn. We aren't here to create or live a perfect life. We are here to learn lessons that are particular to each one of us. Spiritually, I believe that we choose for certain things to happen. You might say that they are destined to happen. They bring us lessons. I learned things in my marriage that I don't know how I could have learned otherwise. I'm not saying that I'm glad it happened. But I see how it changed me forever. I think I understand more than I did then. I was a setup waiting to happen before. I gave my power to others and turned to them for answers instead of relying on my own inner wisdom. Now I don't fall for charismatic and confident people who try to control me. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'm very skeptical. I needed the lesson, though I beat myself up for years about being so stupid, gullible, and such a failure.

The hard lessons are the most important ones. That's the best I can tell you. The sooner you can let yourself off the hook for making mistakes, the sooner you can benefit from the wisdom you have gained. If you want to know more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, read the book "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, MD. It is a step-by-step guide with really insightful explanations of the thoughts and beliefs that cause depression. The secret is in taking control of your mind. It's like meditation. In meditation, you let the thoughts pass, without giving them power. With CBT, you stop the thoughts in your daily life, then replace them with rational, realistic thoughts, instead of extreme, negative thoughts.

If you want to know more about me, my ivillage personal site is: http://pages.ivillage.com/cal70/

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:23am
Hi Nadine! Thank you so much for your kind and supportive message. I greatly appreciate the warm fuzzy. So often I feel alone, but joining this board, I am reminded how stuggle, pain, depression, ups and downs are so common in everyone. We're "all in the same boat", so to speak. Feeling alone is an icky feeling. Thanks for your sunshine. :) I wish positivity and love and luck to you, as well, in overcoming your hurdles.

Love and sunshine,

Goldberry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:45am
MariaC, thank you so very much for your helpful message!!! For one, I appreciate you relating to me -- what you described sounds a lot like myself. I've not married yet, but I *have* made mistakes (I'm going to start calling them 'learning experiences' instead!) that I've reprimanded myself for over and over, allowing guilt to penetrate my being, interrupt my growth, deflate my self-esteem, you know what I mean. I've always been so hard on myself, expecting so much. I am and have been such a big dreamer and visionary, having all these ideas about what I can do, how I can live my life, what kind of person to be, intuitively knowing the 'right' thing to do but not always choosing it. You are on the nose with the "all or nothing" thinking -- that is me. Well, it's me when it comes to thinking about me. When it comes to others, I am more diplomatic, compassionate, forgiving and such. So ironic how it's sometimes harder to be so loving to the one person in your life who needs it most (IMO that's where one needs to start, with oneself).

Your paragraph on spirituality also sounds like me. :) I don't have a particular spirituality, but gravitate to "New Age-y" things, and I'd always be thinking about what a certain situation was trying to show me, the lesson I was supposed to learn from it, how I'm such a bad person for not choosing the right way to go, how I can be a better human/soul, etc, you know the story. It's only been in the last couple of months that I've started being nicer to, more lenient with and forgiving on myself. Just started. That's where the ups and downs come in.

I'm babbling so much! I really want to thankyouthankyouthankyou so much for your reply. It was extremely comforting. You gave me a few ideas I never considered or realized (all or nothing thinking, cognitive behavior therapy (yes, I remember Mr. Subliminal! I'm 26 :), and for showing me what you learned going thru this yourself. I am very, very grateful.

Love and sunshine,

Goldberry (Marissa)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:21am

(((((((((Marissa)))))))))), welcome to our board.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 12:40pm
i wanted to welcome you to the board. i think we have alot in common. i totally know what you are going through with the ups and downs, rollercoasting emotions. i fluctuate constantly it seems. then it will even out for a few weeks and than baam! all screwed up again. i wish i had great words of advice to offer, but i am sort of down today myself. i hope to see you around the board. best wishes. ~s
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:07pm


I want to welcome you to the board,

I can relate to how you feel about having low self esteem and feeling not worth much I think that everyone feels that from time to time and some feel it every day, I feel it every second of everyday.

You do sound however pretty secure in yourself, you noted all the good things about yourself which is a good thing, there are some of us who could not name one thing I could tell you that people call me very attractive and other nice things, but I cant say that about myself, I used to not want to take meds also but they have helped out so much in calming me down a bit, I am already very high strung or anxious I guess so it is hard for me to find a med that wont make me worse, I still have very severe mood swings and anger frustration ect..but they are not half as bad as they were a year ago, therapy is also great and I highly suggest that people go to therapy is they can you learn so much about yourself when doing so.

I am sorry that I am not doing so well withthe input coming out of a manic phase and kinda out of it.

Welcome to the board I hope you come often this really is a great place.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 4:52pm

Welcome Goldberry!


I think flucuations in our self esteem are normal even for those not battling depression and/or Low self esteem.. Its only natural that is some surroundings we feel more comfortable and more at easy and therefore more willing to open up..


Its sounds wonderful that you have gotten involved in the theater to work on your self

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 12:17am
Thank you, Caly, for your encouragement. I rarely ever communicate with others how I truly feel inside, and I feel so naive about life sometimes that I doubt myself a lot and I don't know whether or not what I'm experiencing is common among many or rare and I belong in a nuthouse. I've decided to start going to a local depression group I just found out about recently and I am probably going to start going to a meditation group, also (cause I like meditation and I figure it might be helpful for me to be among people, communicate more from the heart, etc). I tend to be so hard on myself and I've a lot of things I regret, but I know I must let go of that, so I hope to heal even more thru going to these groups, dispelling negative muck inside.

I adore theatre! One of the best things I have done so far (I'm in a production of Les Miz this weekend as Cosette! Very happy about that).

I'm from Vermont, too! I grew up in Newport (Canadian border, I'm sure you know it). Burlington is sooooooo nice. I miss VT.

Love, sunshine and warmth,

Marissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:13pm

Marissa!


Im so glad you are starting the depression group and the meditation group.. I think both will really help!

*hugs             

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